Lancashire v Durham Twenty20 match report

Posted by
2 minute read

Mahinda writes:

So, what better way to spend a Tuesday evening than by leaving work a little early and heading over to Old Trafford to watch Lancashire Teef**kingtotallers mash up Durham Donkeymoes? This may or may not have happened.

My matchmates were to be Colin, one of our trainers, and Carsten, the sole attendee of Col’s latest training course. Carsten is from Germany (or possibly Belgium) and knew precisely nothing about cricket.

I did ask “So, what part of Germany are you from?” His reply? “I don’t know, as I do not usually go to these things. Football, maybe.” I did find out later that he works near Brussels, though and that he thoroughly approves of the French going out of Euro 2008.

We had a troupe of dancing girls just in front of us and they were by far the most energetic of the four troupes spaced around the ground. The ones entertaining stand M were probably the next best, while the bunch stationed at the non-alcoholic E stand just didn’t bother. Given that there were about a dozen people sitting in the stand, I can see why.

Even when our lot did get up and boogie, they were spectacularly uncoordinated. The moves were there, but the unison wasn’t. Easy on the eye, but hardly the Dallas Cowgirls. Apparently they were the “Lightning Crew” or somesuch, all from a local dance academy. If even a malcoordinate like myself can master a few dance numbers, surely these bright youngs things could do the same?

There was a preponderance of children in our stand… and they seemed to grow in numbers all through the first half, like Dickensian street urchins flocking towards a dandy. My theory for this is that other kids around the ground had noticed the banter between the original kids (a junior cricket team) and the dancing girls.

Some of the kids were cunningly using the NPower cards to display “69” towards the nubile ladies. I’m sure I wouldn’t have had a clue what that meant at the age of 10. Perhaps they didn’t either.

Even Lanky Giraffe got in on the act, steaming in for a kiss – denied, unfortunately, despite his rather fetching dance moves. “They’re too young for ya, Lanky!” jeered the crowd. Not in giraffe years, clearly. At half time, all the dancing girls came together right in front of us, around a manilla jacketed chap who’d appeared from nowhere. No idea who he was, but clearly a Very Lucky Man.

They stopped serving beer just after half time. RUBBISH. But it did mean I could get the tram back to Altrincham and drive home.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Hee hee hee to the kids and their 69 placards – you don’t see that on Sky! Were you wearing a suitable hat for cricket Mahinda – you haven’t given hat details at all.

  2. I must confess that I was bare of head for the evening, having left my trusty sunhat at home.

    Does anyone know what Yorkshire’s mascot is? I mean, the fearsomely monikered Yorkshire Carnegie should have a suitably fearsome mascot!

  3. Giraffes aren’t that hilarious when you find yourself being chased around the streets of Kennington by them in the dead of night, with their eyes glowing bright red. And you will Jrod. You will.

    I own a “suitable” hat, and already feel daft when I wear it as no bugger wears warwickshire sunhats to warwickshire matches. I feel very conspicuous…

  4. Went to my first ever live game yesterday at Uxbridge to watch the Middlesex Crusaders ( i cant think of a witty nickname for them, nothing seems to go) I would love to write a King Cricket match report but i just would not be able to match all previous postings, my ramblings would be very poor!

    But the game was good, and i took my dad who doesnt even like the game, but is getting bored staying at home with my mum after he had his appendix out.

  5. Soviet Onion, write that report.

    The worse it is, the better, because it’ll be easier for us to delete paragraphs from it prior to enpublishment.

    We await your shoddy, half-arsed work eagerly. We’ll know if you’ve used ‘effort’ and will penalise you accordingly.

  6. And could he stand staying at home with your mum when he had an appendix?

    Is that what it’s for?

  7. Perhaps she was really fond of his appendix and resented him for having it taken out.

  8. The best thing was he didnt even need it taken out,There was nothing wrong with it in the end. Now he cant go to work as he has been told he is not allowed to drive for a month.

    i will try and right the report and see how bad it is before i send it over.

Comments are closed.