Mop-up of the day – an unappealing slice of Beef

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It seemed logical to assume that India’s batting at The Oval would be the most repulsive and upsetting thing any of us saw this week. Then Ian Botham put everything in perspective.

Sir Beef has a history of advertising meat. This morning he appeared to be promoting pork sword via his Twitter account. He says he was hacked. Not many people believe him.

If you’ve seen the horrifying image, why not answer the question that was posed alongside it: ‘What are you thinking…?’

He didn’t quite average 50

Mahela Jayawardene has bowed out of Test cricket with a win over Pakistan. He made a fifty in his final innings, but his first innings dismissal for four means he finishes with a Test average of 49.84. Still not bad though, is it?

Sri Lanka are fourth in the Test rankings and while they’ve been on an upward curve, we wonder whether they might now plateau. Jayawardene’s runs will be hard enough to replace, but his tactical shenanigans will also be missed. Rangana Herath is up to third in the rankings for bowlers, but Jayawardene has to be credited with at least a few assists.

Real Hales

Engand will announce their one-day squad at some point. Alex Hales will be in it. He will have seven or eight months of 50-over cricket in which to make some sort of case for Test selection.

We’d like to see him manage it because we reckon he’d be a decent foil for Alastair Cook’s nurdletastic relentlessness. Plus it’s been a while since England fielded an attacking opener and such a player can really add something to a side. Look at Marcus Trescothick’s 102-ball 90 on the first day of the 2005 Edgbaston Test – one of the great underrated innings. England have looked a little less passive of late, but we fear it’s still something they might revert to in tougher times.

Hales would certainly address that, but let’s see how he goes in the middle format first.


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  1. Poor Mahela. As an accomplished test batsman, the worst thing that could possibly happen to you is if the news of your retirement follows the picture of a penis.

    Also, the plural of penis should really be penii. Makes perfect sense to me.

    1. Maybe it’s like sheep. One penis, several penis.

      On the subject of Mahela, his century in the last World Cup final was one of the best innings I’ve ever seen.

    2. We were wondering whether today’s topics were too far removed to include in the same article, but everyone seems to be rolling with the punches and mentioning both in their comments as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.

      Well done, everyone. Well done.

    3. Well, can we all agree that “penises” is indeed a terrible word?

      Oh, and Mahela!

    4. Let us all stand proud and erect, saying “Hail” several times (the plural presumably being Hales) to the mighty Mahela Jayawardene upon his retirement.

      (Just about managed all three – KC – sort of.)

    5. The singular is peni. And I have a confession to make. It was me who hacked Botham’s Twitter account and put a photo of one of mine on it.

      Have we come to the end of a period of exceptional test batsmen?

    6. Mahela’s runs did seem to be dropping off a bit towards the end, though.

      I’ll let someone else turn that into a penis joke.

  2. Besides assisting Herath with catching, Mahela has assisted Angelo with captaincy also. Would be interested to see how that goes now.

    1. That was what we meant really, more than the catching. He was clearly the one who set the fields.

    1. Because England selectors are idiots.

      See also Cook, Alastair; continuing ODI selection thereof.

    2. They can’t really do anything unless he steps down though, can they? Which he bloody well ought to. Hales/Bell to open, Ravi at 3, job done. But no.

      What’s the reshuffle likely to be then? Cook/Hales/Bell/Ballance/Morgan/Root/Buttles? Or perhaps Ballance and Bell to swap?

      And who’s the sixth bowler in that case? Nobody wants to see Root bowl ten overs.

    3. Moeen Ali inked in as the 5th bowler/batsman.

      Not all five from Hales/Root/Bell/Ballance/Morgan will play.

  3. Good comparison between Hales and Trescothick. I can’t see Robson opening the batting in the first Test in the Caribbean next year. I don’t necessarily think Hales will be either, though.

  4. The problem with the recent Hales fascination is that he’s doing quite well in the freezer for now. I get the impression that throwing out all these half-eaten openers isn’t looking likely to end with him.

    1. Thanks for giving us a heads up on that story, daneel.

      It’s the breakfast show here on King Cricket’s world wide web. Next up, Ian Botham’s meat and two veg. After that, more zany pictures of cats…

    1. Is there any era of cricket, from the first tests through to the present day, that a player called Jim Troughton wouldn’t have fitted in? Grace is opening with Troughton today Carruthers. Hutton and Troughton will save the day. Cowdrey’s out, Troughton is next man in. It’s Chris Old from the Pavilion End, Jim Troughton from the Nursery End. The bowler’s Holding the batsman’s Troughton. A change of bowling at the Safestyle UK Windows and Doors Sale Now On End; Jade Dernbach has been replaced by Jim Troughton.

      Ah yes, it’s this era he doesn’t fit in.

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