Rob Key suffers interminable torment at the hands of England’s selectors and coaches

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Rob Key“I don’t expect tea and cakes with England selectors and coaches.”

So don’t go round to their houses. Come to ours instead. We’ll look after you.

We’ve got four different sorts of tea and we’ll make sure we get an even greater array of cakes in especially. We don’t really eat cake, but we know how important it is to some people.

There’ll be crisps and sandwiches and big hams on the bone like they eat in Asterix. It’ll be ace.

Then afterwards we can go out into the garden and play cricket with a tennis ball. You can be Brett Lee and we’ll be Rob Key.

Or maybe you could be Rob Key even. If you wanted.


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  1. Ham?? PFFT. If we’re talking Asterix I think you should go with the cauldron of cheese, much more impressive.

  2. What about fizzy pop? I once searched through his bins and saw hundreds of empty pop bottles.

    dandelion & Burdock seems to be a favourite, which means it’s also my favourite.

  3. Don’t they eat wild boar in Asterix? Boar is surely more Key-style.

    Have heard down grapevine that Key will never be picked for England as long as Vaughan is captain. Vaughan sees him as a threat – unlike Strauss, who is no threat to anyone, least of all bowlers.

  4. Damn it, D Charlton. We’d always liked Michael Vaughan. Now we’ll have to seriously consider hating him for the way he’s perhaps, maybe, possibly holding back Bob.

    Also, his Machiavellianism. We hate Machiavellianism.

    We’ve never mastered it.

  5. I thought it was Shah that Cap’n Vaughan disliked so much? Is he a multi-hating cap’n then?

    Rob Key is the biz by the way – even pinker than Colly

  6. Shah is just a bit crazy – a touch ADHD, which is why they ignore him. And he’s a threat on the playing front – to Vaughan – not the captaincy front.

    Isn’t it nice that England is captained by someone who actively picks worse players to make himself look good?

    And i have some inside info about what guard Rob Key likes to take and why – but not telling until KC begs.

  7. Not really good enough but anyway … his guard changes depending on the bowler he’s facing. He basically takes middle and leg, but if he’s facing Warne he might stand outside leg-stump and if he’s facing Murali, he’ll bat on off stump.

    Hope everyone is interested.

  8. Surely Vaughan’s more Michaelivaughanian than Machiavellian?

    Also, a boar is pretty much a big hairy wild pig, so hams are entirely appropriate. I almost ended up on a boar-hunt in the forests of northern Sri Lanka a couple of years ago. Long story. I felt pretty uneasy about the possibility, then found out that we’d end up eating any boars we shot…which, as a non-vegetarian, is fair enough.

  9. When it comes to boar hunts, the ends justify the means.

    So very michaelivaughanian …

  10. And so it was that the coining was seconded and the word Michaelivaughanian passed into the English language.

    Rob Key has once again left everyone trailing in his wake. He’s the best batsman who takes an off-stump, middle-stump and leg-stump guard.

    It makes sense though. Different bowlers, different things to counter. He’s a thinker is our Rob.

  11. Also gives an insight into what i do in my spare time – stalk cricketers to ask them what guard they take. Next week – David Hemp and why middle is so 1990s.

  12. excellent use of the term…. ace. now if you can just sneak in the term ‘plank’ possibly at the expense of ricky ponting, we will be all the happier. oh and perhaps after the game of cricket with rob… you could indulge in a spot of ‘togger’

  13. ‘Plank’ is queued up, ready to be used.

    ‘Togger’ has no place here, however.

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