Self-effacing Hayden looks forward to India tour

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Matthew Hayden is the kind of man who looks in the mirror and smiles at what he sees.

“Having played over there and played well over there, I think I’m going to be the obvious target.”

Really he should look in the mirror and immediately burst into tears before punching his own reflection, shattering the glass and gouging his hand – like the rest of us do.

He then goes on to say:

“I think this series is tailor-made for guys like me.”

If this series doesn’t entail cricketers standing on a podium, motionless, while a crowd of people point and laugh uproariously, then this series isn’t tailor-made for Hayden.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Oi, easy tiger, some of us do the auld slicking back the eye brows then gunshots in the mirror, whilst saying, looking good suavey!

    I fucking hate Hayden though, and if your suggestion happened, he’d only be humbled by the fact that a million people found him funny, and would then add something along the lines of…

    “I’m a great big funny c*nt, and the whole of India knows it too, now hop it King Cricket or I’ll bum you in your dreams, and you’ll like it”

  2. I just knew you were going to rip into him after that interview, KC. I am pleased.

    His whole vocabulary and manner just smacks of twatishness. He kind of uses buisness speak (going forward challenge, target, step up) as his native dialect. We already hate that kind of inane horseshit, and here he is applying it to cricket.

    Its unlikely, but I hope on his first innings in India, he takes guard, then a giant Grand Piano falls from the sky and crushes him like a rotten blood orange. There will be a comedy noise on imapct; lots of discordant notes mixed with snapping bones.

  3. wow.

    that’s actually incomprehensible.

    An empty shell of a man who deserves to be a former employee of Lehman Bros is WHAT he is.

    and too hell with your so-called grammar.

  4. I’ll tell you what is also tailor made for Hayden, besides the Indian tour.

    A muzzle, to stop his ever flapping gob.

    I swear the man has an extra thyroid gland in his mouth.

  5. Does Matty Hayden look resplendent in his crisp white flannels, while saying in an Aussie twang, “It is time. This drama will unfold according to my script”?

    Thought not.

  6. Lovely idea, Ged.

    Although, I’d rather the broad-chested Alpha batter ran out Elders in a pro-am match, followed by Elders administering stumps to the flat-track bully’s more distant parts.

  7. Congratulations STeve. When you say ‘we’, are you referring to Australia, or a secret colony of sub-human, hairy, triple chested bible bashes who spend all day telling each other how good they are?

  8. Hayden is a classless triple-breasted whore. Lacking as he does the creativity to compose his own sentences, he obviously constructs his nonsensical utterings by piecing together clippings from new-papers and business books from the 70’s.

    “Hmmm, where do I use the expression ‘tailor-made’? Need to get ‘obvious target’ in too.”

    “Got it, tailor-made obvious target.”

    “No, wait, tailor-target obvious-maid.”


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