Yes, it’s just what you think. As it says on the Chennai Super Kings website: “[Super] enhances the qualities of the word it is prefixed to. Super Kings then is not just about royalty, but about absolute monarchy.”

So there you go. Absolute monarchy. That’s what it’s all about. A system of governance where the supreme ruler, the king, is accountable to no-one. He has total power over his lands and people.

But wait. It’s ‘Kings’ plural. There are of course 11 of these particular Super Kings.

So presumably the 11 Super Kings are working as a sort of committee. These Super Kings have absolute power and can do anything they want, provided it’s voted on and there’s a clear majority behind each and every decision.

Tags: IPL // 23 Appeals »

Andrew Flintoff is injured again. If only there were another English fast-bowling hope we could all idiotically and unreasonably crush with our mindless, unjustified hope.

Step forward Simon Jones. Step forward carefully though. Don’t want you twisting an ankle or rupturing your pancreas or something. Simon Jones took 5-32 yesterday for Worcestershire against Hampshire, as if he were an actual cricketer who did this kind of thing for a living.

Flintoff should only be out for a couple of weeks, so Jones only needs to get through about four matches to fill the gap. Will he make it?

Thinking about Simon Jones, he reminds us of a very interesting quote from Tom Cartwright, the subject of Stephen Chalke’s really rather good book The Flame Still Burns, from where these words were taken:

“An hour in the gym isn’t the same preparation for bowling as a nine-hour day working on a farm field or down a mine or even in a heavy-industry factory. You may have similar energy output, but you don’t build up the same core strength - so you haven’t developed the ability to keep your concentration when the body is starting to get tired, when the physical stress it can exert is in decline.

“There’s an important relationship between physical stress and concentration. It’s difficult in the modern world to replicate the preparation for bowling that people had when they walked everywhere and there was more manual work. Doing a lot more bowling is part of what’s needed, but it would be hugely beneficial if young bowlers went off and spent winters doing hard, physical work. It would build their core strength and that’s irreplaceable by anything else.”

How many times have you seen Simon Jones in that stupid vest, showing off his biceps while watching an England game in which he’ll play no part? Tom Cartwright, on the other hand, bowled at least 700 first-class overs in a season 13 years in a row and continued bowling until he was 42.

Admittedly, Cartwright was a medium-pacer, but there’s truth in his words.

Tags: Simon Jones, county cricket // 14 Appeals »

He’s going to distract one of the Test team while they’re driving, causing them to have a car accident.

“I need to keep knocking on the door because they’re in the driving seat at the moment.”

We never thought he’d stoop so low.

Tags: England, Matthew Hoggard // 6 Appeals »

Not a cow or an ocelot or a langur monkey, but some sort of robotic beast specifically created to fire out intimidating back-of-a-length bowling.

Paul Horton’s hundred looks even better after Durham were bowled out for 90. James Anderson took most of the wickets, but according to Lancashire’s captain, Stuart Law, it was Flintoff who “put the shits up them bowling at 90 or 95 miles an hour.”

Nice to know that Flintoff can now direct the shits. Law didn’t specify whether these were the wild shits, however.

We’d like to see Andrew Flintoff play more county cricket to help remind him how to bat. However, we’re probably more keen on seeing him bowl for England. You can’t have everything, but at times Flintoff’s bowling feels like everything.

Tags: Andrew Flintoff, England, county cricket // 7 Appeals »

Lancashire 143 (thanks to Mark Davies), Durham 114 (thanks to James Anderson and Andrew Flintoff), Lancashire 293 and Durham 28-3 (Flintoff again).

As it stands, that 293 looks out of place. What happened?

It was Paul Horton, Lancashire’s opener. No-one else in the match has passed 40. Horton made 108 before being run out.

For pace bowlers, all-rounders and depending on the overseas pro, spinners, Lancashire have been disgustingly rich for years, but their openers have been mediocre.

We like Mark Chilton and we like Iain Sutcliffe, even if we can’t bear to watch the latter bat, but neither is exceptional. Mark Chilton’s career average is 32. Sutcliffe’s is nearly 35. After 30 matches, Paul Horton averages 50.

Unsurprisingly, Horton was born in Sydney. He went to school in Liverpool though and yes, he’s aiming to play for England.

Cue comments from Australia about England not producing its own cricketers and retaliation from England about Australians not really doing so either, when you think about it - as well as something about dingos.

Who cares? The important thing is that we’re taking sides and arguing with each other and really, at the end of the day, isn’t that what it’s all about?

Tags: Paul Horton, county cricket // 9 Appeals »

It was going down leg. We haven’t seen it, but it was definitely going down the legside.

If anyone out there thinks that Rob Key was genuinely dismissed, they’d better steel themselves for the consequences.

The consequences are that we will politely disagree with them.

Tags: Rob Key // 14 Appeals »

Everybody’s asking. We’ve already told you.

James Tomlinson was our mate at school. We played cricket using a fire grate as stumps. James spent a period carrying a small piece of fabric around in his pencil case. He said it was a dog. He said the dog was called ‘Turbo’.

Oh, you mean the James Tomlinson who took 8-46 for Hampshire against Somerset yesterday? We’ve no idea who he is.

We’re sure we’ve let his dad down in some way as well as our James Tomlinson’s dad. We feel we disappointed our James Tomlinson’s dad by never playing cricket for England. We’re not sure how we’ll have let Hampshire James Tomlinson’s dad down, but we will have done somehow. It’s very much odds-on.

Tags: James Tomlinson, county cricket // 2 Appeals »

We’ve always liked Mark Davies. He was like the invisible man that only we could see. If he wasn’t injured, he’d be there, chipping away for Durham, taking 2-30 or 3-45 - nondescript-yet-efficient bowling figures that kept his first-class average surprisingly low. It was 22.63 before this match.

But now Mark Davies isn’t the invisible man that only we can see, because he’s just ripped Lancashire a new one by taking 7-33.

Now the only invisible man that only we can see is Karl the Scary Skeleton who lives in the front bedroom. Hello Karl. What are you waving at us today? Why it’s a pair of human feet. Time to get back in the drawer, Karl. In you go.

We said Mark Davies would be one to watch in 2006 and in 2007 and he was either injured or not selected. This season, we thought that he wouldn’t get many games, so we went for Liam Plunkett instead.

Liam Plunkett is injured. Mark Davies is playing and it seems we should have been watching him in 2008 as well. Once again, some sort of message is being transmitted to us. It’s something about how we shouldn’t bother trying to do anything ever. We get similar messages remarkably frequently.

Tags: Mark Davies, county cricket // 13 Appeals »

Match reports are still welcome. James writes:

The start had been delayed, but when I arrived John Holder and Nigel Cowley were already on their way to the wicket, despite the fact that the main cover was still in place and it was raining quite hard. They gave up and came back and since the only cover afforded to spectators is in the main pavilion, I found myself scurrying inside.

It is a miserable place which has the feeling of the Fifties in both décor and poverty. The Long Room belies its name and the windows are heavily curtained which must severely restrict sightlines if you are tempted to watch from its confines. Behind the Long Room is the Members’ Room whose only concession to the century in which we find ourselves is an enormous TV screen which continuously shows every sport but cricket.

The members sit around at round tables bemoaning the fact that Cardiff is to host the first Ashes Test next summer and that they don’t have a Test. They completely fail to get the point that their stadium (sic) is pre-war at best and unacceptable in this century.

The loudspeaker system employed at the ground is fully functional in the toilets but mysteriously absent in the Members’ Room and so if you want to watch any cricket you have to keep dashing outside to see if it has stopped raining. This is irritating since the number of chairs available is strictly limited and to make this excursion risks losing a hard earned seat.

There were several rain interruptions during the day. At 6pm it stopped raining and the umpires announced that play would begin at 6.15pm. Why wait fifteen minutes? The watery evening sun was certainly not going to dry the outfield during this delay. The umpires then announced that despite the loss of thirty overs during the day only four more would be bowled. I then drove home during the next ninety minutes in brilliant sunshine.

Tags: match report // 4 Appeals »

There were some low-scoring matches in the Friends Provident Trophy this weekend and not only where matches were shortened because of rain.

Scotland, who had won at Old Trafford in 2003 and 2007 managed a relatively feeble 155-9 from their 50 overs, but Lancashire completely ballsed up their chase and could only manage 153-9. At one stage they were 44-7.

Kyle Hogg made 66 at that point - comfortably the highest score of the match. He was batting at nine. Simon Marshall, who’s hit a championship hundred, came in at ten.

It would be nice if Lancashire’s young all-rounders got a chance to bat when it wasn’t a crisis, but Hogg and Marshall usually only get to play in one-dayers and if they’re always nine and ten, they’ll only reach the crease when things aren’t going well. It seems a waste, or unfair or something.

Maybe Lancashire’s batsmen should just draw batting positions out of a hat before each match. We recommend a fez for this purpose. The choice of hat is of vital importance.

Tags: county cricket // 23 Appeals »