Maybe you’re feigning indifference. Maybe you think you’re above it all. Maybe you genuinely don’t care. It matters not a jot. We are going to RAIN CAPITAL LETTERS DOWN UPON YOU in the build-up to the greatest post of all time.
It is being published TOMORROW at midday to mark the occasion of Rob Key playing for England in the World Cup. Or at least to mark the occasion of England playing in the World Cup and having Rob Key in their squad, which is pretty much the way it’s looking at the moment.
It doesn’t matter that Rob’s been batting like a world-class tail-ender this season. We’ve been waiting for this for three bloody years and we’re not letting widespread public indifference, a small amount of hatred and Rob’s apparent nonselection put us off. Rob Key is having this special day marked by the greatest update in internet history and that’s that.
If you think by failing to engage us, you’re going to discourage us, you’re kidding yourselves. If you think your silence is going to avert an excruciatingly unnecessary, day-by-day countdown, you’re wrong.
It is two days until Rob Key plays for England in the Twenty20 World Cup. It is two days until we unleash the greatest post in internet history.
We think you’re severely underestimating how good this post will be. We’ve honestly had it ready since May 2007. When you see it, you won’t believe that we’ve managed to hold onto something this good for so long without rupturing our pancreas or something.
Friday. Midday. Hold onto your vital organs in case they try and escape amid all the excitement.
Friday is a very special day. Friday is a very, very special day. Friday is the day when Rob Key represents England in the World Cup.
At this point in time, we’re not even considering the slight possibility that he might not play. If he doesn’t play in the warm-up tomorrow, we might start to get a bit worried, but as it stands, we’re primed and ready for action – Rob’s action.
Of course, a great moment like this needs to be marked in some way and oh how we are going to mark it. We have decided that Rob Key playing for England in the World Cup is reason enough to unleash THE GREATEST UPDATE IN INTERNET HISTORY.
Those upper case letters are not misleading. When you see Friday’s update you will DEFINITELY cry, you will PROBABLY crap yourself through emotion and you will POSSIBLY live six years longer having seen it.
Friday’s update will appear at midday sharp, long before the match starts so that it doesn’t distract anyone. Be here at 11.55am, manically hammering F5 so that you see it as soon as it’s unleashed.
Today’s picture, as so often, was kindly supplied by Ceci.
We saw this plastered across Jrod’s Balls yesterday. It’s Eoin Morgan doing something quite ridiculous in the name of batting.
It’s pretty impressive, but is he really that good?
He can play that shot well enough in those circumstances, but how well would he bat with his upper arms tied to his chest with electrical wire so he could only move from the elbow down, kind of like a tyrannosaurus rex?
Just imagine the match announcer saying: “Opening the batting for England: Robert Key and someone else.”
Because that’s what they’d say. They wouldn’t name the second batsman, because there would be NO POINT. The announcer has already given you all the information you could ever need: It’s England and it’s Rob Key representing England.
England have made Robert Key the most important fifteenth of their 15-man Twenty20 World Cup squad. They didn’t say that he was the most important fifteenth when they made the announcement, because they didn’t need to.
But he is the most important fifteenth. Rob would be the most important fifteenth of any gathering of 15 people.
Rumours that we kidnapped Geoff Miller’s family and told him we were going to force them to watch Eastenders constantly until he picked Tim Bresnan for England are well wide of the mark. Clearly we told him to pick Rob Key and clearly he ignored us.
We released the Miller family after ice cream and a couple of games of Frustration, because we’re not really evil.
Tim Bresnan might have been picked for England on the basis that he was the only up and coming bowler who was more familiar with a cricket bat than a pipistrelle, but still it’s a good indication that he’s there or thereabouts.
We’ve also argued that Taunton could be perceived as a good ground on which to rate potential Test players as Test pitches are generally more batsman-friendly than county ones. This applies to bowlers even more than batsmen. Get wickets here and you can get wickets on most pitches.
Durham made 543 in their current match against Somerset, so it’s reasonable to assume that the pitch is typically Tauntonian. In reply, Somerset were absolutely levelled by Graham Onions. All out for 69 with Onions dismissing five of the top seven on the way to 6-31.
There is no way that is a bad bowling performance. We’re not fully convinced that Onions is the best Durham bowler, but this kind of thing definitely helps.
We’re not going to let ourself get drawn into any Onions jokes, but we will ask this: has anyone ever met another Onions?
After scores of 118, 65 not out and 74 last week, today’s 99 not out marks the moment when we move away from admiring an exceptional young Antipodean talent and towards being sick to the back teeth, the front teeth and tonsils of a winnetty-faced, cork-hatted bastard.
Phillip Hughes is getting on our wick and he’s only been in the country for a week.