Lord’s Indoor School match report

Posted by
2 minute read

Ged writes:

An occasional, regular feature of my summer these days is to spend a few evenings with friends in the nets at the Lord’s Indoor School.  29 July was our third net this year; me, Escamillo Escapillo and Charley “The Gent” Malloy.  I was sporting my new “Thirst Extinguisher” water flask, a recent gift from my American business partner, Timothy Tiberelli.

The Thirst Extinguisher

I batted first and did rather well by my own (rather low) standards. Charley “The Gent” can usually manage a bit of gentle swing and at times can beat me when he gets his line and length right, but there are usually a few to hit.  Escamillo Escapillo is a little more tricky; mostly left-arm orthodox spin but he can also bowl the Chinaman without changing his action enough for mere mortals like me to pick. The good news with his disguised Chinaman is that he rarely gets the length right, so you can usually avoid the worst  and sometimes get a real pie from the buffet. Still, if he keeps practising, Escamillo Escapillo could be Rochdale’s answer to Simon Kerrigan.

Charley “The Gent” batted second. My slow right-arm dobblers were coming out nicely that evening, though I say so myself. It’s mostly overspin in my case, which can make the flight a bit tricky but it also means that I need to bowl a little too full if the ball is to go on and hit the stumps. I managed to send quite a few six inches over middle and off stump, which counts for nothing of course. Charley proved his “sandpaper man” credentials in the main; few risks, few big shots, few chances.

When Charley marched off to remove his pads, I took a long swig of water from my thirst extinguisher, taking care to put the flask down again on the other side – off-side to the left-hander, so that only a near-perfect off drive through long off might go anywhere near the flask. First ball to Escamillo Escapillo, round the wicket to the left-hander, overadjusted for the angle, just a little too full, CERR-RRUNCH, straight into my brand new thirst extinguisher. Escamillo Escapillo could not stop laughing. “You could send down another hundred deliveries just like that one and I swear I couldn’t hit that thing, even if my life depended on it”.

Charley “The Gent” then spent the rest of he net complaining bitterly that Escamillo Escapillo was batting left-handed. This seemed very odd to me, as we have played a few matches together and spent many sessions in the nets bowling at eachother and Escamillo Escapillo always bats left-handed. After that disastrous first ball, I managed to get my lengths right around the wicket to the left-hander, whereas Charley got himself into such a lather about this left-handedness business, he hardly landed any in the right place.

After a very pleasant dinner together, when I got home, a few clicks on the trusty gizmo and I had ordered three more Thirst Extinguisher flasks. Daisy had already taken a shine to Timothy’s gift and wanted one herself. And I clearly need to have at least one  spare on standby at all times, especially the way I bowl.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Just one question. Which one of the half dozen items in the picture is The Thirst Extinguisher? ‘Cos I reckon that they can all do the job in one way or another.

    Apart from this, I felt this was a well-rounded and generally thorough match report, with good use of onomatopoeia (check spelling though). Well done.

    1. Oh, and a great use of ottoman….I mean, nepotismia…errr, that thing that Bert mentioned. Never seen a better usage myself, yes.

    2. We should probably publish the original rules again at some point, but basically great detail is desirable with this kind of cricketing action.

    3. Well, we haven’t actually stated that in about four years, so it’s probably worth mentioning anyway.

  2. Thanks for the kind words.

    I have never tried quenching my thirst with Carex. Nor the washing up sponge. I’ll take your word for it in those cases.

    If you see someone down the Lord’s nets extinguishing his thirst with a booze bottle rather than the water bottle, that’d probably be Laurence Elderbrook, not me, but I take your point, Bert.

  3. Loving the view from the kitchen window … sort of brick chic … is that a sliver of trees and sunshine I can see on the right hand side? And that is a bottle of Latria Garnatxa-Carinyena, Montsant (2009?), if I am not mistaken. Would love to know how that tasted and what the other bottle is, too, so we can further build a picture of Ged-world (Gedward?) in our heads.

    1. Do you seriously think i don’t have better things to do than check outold wine bottles, Chuck?

      Well actually I do have better things to do, but wine bottles are momentarily more interesting, that’s all – especially the detective work I needed to do on the bottle that is mostly obscured.

      So the abswers to your questions are as follows:

      Yes, that is sunshine.

      Yes, that is a sliver of trees in the gardens of the street one road west of mine. My street is named “Gardens” but there are no trees and no gardens.

      Yes, that is the 2009 Latria. I cannot remember what it was like but I have a secnd bottle – you have reminded me that we should drink it. I think it must have been less than special or the second bottle wouldn’t have survived. Catalan wines are not much to Daisy’s taste (often not soft and rounded enough).

      The other bottle needed real detective work but I am now sure that it is Matahiwi 2010 Chardonnay from Hawkes Bay in New Zealand. I think we laughed with it more than at it.

    2. Thanks Ged. I did have more questions but I think I have asked you enough for the time being, I’ll let you get back to those ‘better things’. I will however avoid the Latria in the meantime, unless and until you post back after getting through the second bottle.

    3. Further questions welcomed, Chuck. Apologies if I inferred otherwise.

      “Better things to do” was a euphemism for “things I bloody well have to do.”

  4. When I was a kid, I thought that having one of those little sinks that went next to the main sink was the height of sophistication – the sort that you only got when you went on holiday to Cornwall. Congratulations Ged, you must really have made something of yourself.

    1. That sink went in some 14 years ago, Steve – possibly so long ago that “you were a kid” back then.

      I’ll pass on your comments to Daisy tomorrow evening.

      If you feel some sudden, inexplicable sharp stabs of pain, you’ll probably be able to surmise her reaction to your faint praise.


Comments are closed.