Matthew Hayden plays his 100th Test match

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Matthew 'Haydos' Hayden gets a new picture at King Cricket in tribute to his tiresome longevityIt’d be just like Hayden to hit a hundred as well – just to spite us.

In honour of this momentous achievement, Hayden’s been answering the questions that you’ve all been asking these last 14 years. These are the questions on everyone’s lips.

What is the fabric of playing for the baggy green?

“Anyone that’s got into the Australian cricket team has had to have their personal challenges met, and they’ve confronted those and conquered them – that’s just what it means to play for Australia, that’s the fabric of playing for the baggy green.”

How do you guarantee the best result in terms of how you prepare yourself?

“Matthew Hayden in 1991 worked as hard as he works in 2008. And that guarantees you at least the best result in terms of how you prepare yourself, but it doesn’t guarantee success.”

What do you do to letters of the alphabet when you celebrate?

“We all enjoy celebrating. What has changed now is we have taken it to a new level in terms of dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s professionally.”

How many percent has Ponting been behind you throughout your career? And don’t say more than a hundred, because, by definition, a hundred’s the maximum.

“Ricky’s been a thousand per cent behind me for my entire career.”

That was a stupid question on our part. Support’s not a concept that can be measured in terms of percentage anyway. Nor is effort. Nor is fitness. Take note, the world of cricket.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. The relentlessness of the Hayden posting has caused me to bite my tongue in half in an effort to avoiding a barrage of abuse each and every time.

    So with my mouth rapidly filling with blood, I am resorting to thinking the word, “cock” over and over again, rather than screaming it at anyone who passes my window, in the forlorn hope they’ll pass on my message.

    However, lest we forget – Hayden was never, is not and will never be the equal of Justin Langer in the merchant stakes.

  2. Having scrolled through a seemingly endless gallery of Hayden’s career on cricinfo ( I was surprised to see how little his appearance has developed over ten years.

    As they grow up most people go through changes, their bodies develop, they get taller and hair grows where there was no hair before.

    But I reckon Haydos came kicking and screaming out of his mother’s baby hole as a fully formed brick shithouse of an opening batsman.

  3. Mr. Kendal king pin- no good will ever come of either your impotant rage, or your attempts to make Langer out as more of a twat than Hayden.

  4. Dear King, are you now commenting on your own website under a psuedonym, which isn’t a psuedonym but your own name, in some sort of twisted Douglas Charlton thing?

    And Langer is a cock, but no-one is as gargantuan in their “I’m a stupid gargantuan cockfaced cocking cock”, than Matthew Hayden.

  5. We don’t have a name. We don’t like to make it too easy for people.

    That’s what they want you to do: have a name.

  6. Is anyone else as disturbed as I am by a recent Cock Hayden quote who, when asked about his 3 national captains, said “There is no dogging them”?

    Not a surprise granted, but a worryingly frank admission that he has at some point tried dogging, albeit unsuccessfully.

  7. I think he has problems with numbers – there’s a quote from him about a man selling peanuts on the street in India for one cent a month – I mean I know many people scrape a living in India but one cent a month…..

    …and I thought your name was King as in Duke Ellington? Not sure that last sentence make sense. May have put too much brandy in the mince pies.

  8. When he talks about “the swings and roundabouts of people’s perceptions”, does he think anyone’s ever thought of him as something other than a fat git? Not me, you lardy twat, you can feck right off my roundabout.

  9. “CUM ND JOIN”
    “Share the luv”

    Ye gods, it’s like a perfect storm of evil.



  10. Oh that is a fab find – and lookit! The lardy lump has relations! One of the comments is

    “dude he is my cousin. i bet your all jalous. and i bet none of you belive me either. but my nans cuz ( pop to my mum ) is his dad. so he is my thid cousin.

    add me plz”

    Am off to join Bebo and add him immediately

  11. Matty was not born he was constructed – he’s is an android – programmed to talk in the third person. Androids dogging? Technology moves in mysterious ways.

    And maybe he has too much brandy when he is making his mince pies too?

    Lay off Justin – he has good eyebrows!

    This post made my day!

  12. I am disgusted by Hayden’s sloppiness with the letters of the alphabet. Dot the i’s and cross the t’s indeed! Dot the LOWER CASE i’s ONLY, IDIOT.

  13. And in Turkish, you dot the i’s that need to be dotted, but leave the undotted i’s undotted.

    Anyway, 1000% is pretty good for Hayden. It’s five orders of magnitude closer to the possible than when he said he was a billion percent behind Ricky Ponting as captain.

    An, er, interesting exercise might be to consider what it would mean for Ponting to be 1000% behind Hayden and Hayden 1000000000% behind Ponting.

  14. The second question (or answer, anyway) brings up the alarming possibility that Hayden might be turning into Michael Vaughan.

  15. Why is there an advert of a tshirt with a woman with an afro and a gun for this post ?

    From Shelflife Clothing no less.

    Shelf-life, damn those google bastards are a clever bunch considering Ol’ Mattys is almost up.

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