That’s what we think of you, punsome headlines. No way. No effing way. We might indulge in an opaque vertigo reference should Gary Ballance later get dropped, but that’s as much as you’re getting.
So, the England squad then? You knew most of it anyway. These are the other bits.
Gary Ballance scores runs like nobody’s business. We wish he literally scored runs like nobody’s business, because that’s such a specatacularly confusing concept. However, as far as we can tell, he doesn’t. He just figuratively scores them like nobody’s business.
Michael Carberry has also scored runs like nobody’s business if you look at run-scoring over a prolonged period in all formats. It seems he’s always been nearly good enough for Test cricket. The worry is that he still is.
The pace bowlers
It’s almost like the selectors’ spreadsheet had every column deleted except for height. Steven Finn, Chris Tremlett and Boyd Rankin are all included. The most relentlessly successful bowler in county cricket, Graham Onions, is left out. It’s hard to avoid the conclusion that there is literally nothing he could ever do to get another game for England.
The other spinner
Not so surprisingly, it’s Monty, because everyone else is rubbish.
Although England clearly think a lot of Ben Stokes, they haven’t picked him for his batting and they haven’t picked him for his bowling. Because of the way England tend to pick their team – with the best batsmen and the best bowlers – it’s hard to see how he’ll get a game. That last sentence isn’t actually as meaningless as it sounds.
What is a squad?
Tim Bresnan is not in the squad, but he’ll be travelling with it and staying in the same hotels and should he feel well enough, he’ll be eligible for selection.