Laurence embraces the modern way

2 minute read

Modern sides bat right down to number eight and as no-one else is up to the task, I step up.

It’s deep into our innings before I am called upon. The bowlers will be flagging by now. I will take advantage. The time has come for Laurence Elderbrook to take his stage.

Before I walk out, I take a moment to compose myself in the mirror. Resplendent in my cream flannels, I look immaculate. It is time.

I watch the bowler run in and immediately spot that he has overstepped. I can attack with impunity. Unfortunately, I am not accustomed to facing such a soft, old ball and I’m through my shot before the ball has arrived. The ball strikes me on the pad and it is at this point that I realise the no-ball has not been called.

I look up at the umpire and implore him with my eyes. As his finger rises, those same eyes turn fierce.

It is at this point that I take the only option available to me. I discard my bat and extricate the knife that I have concealed inside my bat for just such an eventuality.

I get within two steps of the cad who has affronted me before the fielders reach me. For a moment I maintain my forward momentum, but then the wicketkeeper leaps on my back and I fall. I feel the knife torn from my grasp.

As I am escorted off the pitch with my arms held tight behind my back, I throw back my head and let fly a huge, bestial roar.

After the match, I see the umpire in the bar, enjoying a beer. I approach, catch his eye and then gob into his pint with the serene dignity afforded to only the very few.

Everyone admires my restraint. They admire me.

More Laurence Elderbrook


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  1. “extricate the knife that I have concealed inside my bat ”

    ….and on the topic of cricketers gobbing – would put Harmison at top of frequency list

  2. Harmison S – Yeah, he’s not a fielder you want to watch for too long, he also spends lots of time picking wax out of his ears, or chewing his fingernails.

  3. Shall look forward to that in 2 weeks time…

    Spotted a cricketer having a good old ferret in one of his nostrils not so long ago. Lovely.

  4. Sarah – what just the one cricketer?! It’s the ball I feel sorry for….no wonder they have to keep cleaning it on their trousers.

    Presumably as he does not spend much time on the field and resplendent in his cream flannels, Laurence only gobs in anger?

  5. I rather liked the idea of concealing the knife in the bat.

    And whilst I hesitate to criticise the legend that is Laurence, but really why not affix the knife to the end of his bat? Instant bayonet (or bat-onet if you prefer).

  6. We really must ensure that something is done about the dreadful standard of umpiring. Missing no-balls is a heinous umpiring error.

    I have to say, though, that gobbing in the umpires pint after lookin ghim in the eye lacks the serene dignity I would expect from Laurence. Adding some rat poison to his pint while the umpire is looking the other way would have been more in keeping.

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