Some kind of match report or something

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2 minute read

Bert writes:

On Saturday last I found myself home alone for the evening, my The Wife having gone out. Bert Jr. and his brother Ernie were in bed, fast asleep. So I had the TV and DVD player all to myself. But what to watch? I narrowed it down to two options – the Melbourne Test Match 2010, or Hot Euro Babes XXX Action.

I chose the porn.

Well, why not? There’s nothing wrong with it, and besides, it’s not something I can watch with the wife present – she doesn’t enjoy that sort of thing. Now I know that people get can all stuffy about it, but it is absolutely natural after all. Some people don’t like the way it portrays the participants, presenting them as mere objects for the enjoyment of others. But they have a choice; no-one forces them to do it, and they can make a lot of money in the process.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, it’s rather full on. The action starts from the first few minutes, no preamble, straight in with the serious stuff. In essence, it is a series of, er… encounters, with one person in the dominant role, the other in the weak and submissive role. There’s normally about ten minutes of foreplay leading up to each climax, but in some cases you don’t even get the foreplay.

Take the first one as an example. It starts with a bit of fumbling around, but soon enough the big fellow rams a straight one into the throat. The result, as I’m sure you can imagine, is a bit messy. The next one involves quite a bit of slapping, which I must admit isn’t really my thing. However, the last scene is rather good – one final big slap behind and it’s all over. After that it’s a succession of similar episodes – in, out, in, out – breathless stuff. I suppose you could argue it’s a bit boring, but not when you are actually watching it. There’s something very satisfying, albeit a little voyeuristic – you are watching people getting screwed after all.

That’s the first part – after that there’s a big shift in emphasis. Now it’s two blokes doing their thing, on and on and on, from both ends! I don’t know how they keep it up for that long. There is a suggestion that there is going to be some swinging, but I’ve watched it a dozen times and there’s nothing that I would describe as swinging at all. But it isn’t what you could call straight either. There’s one really good bit that I rewind and watch over and over – it involves one of the older participants using the hot spot to get themselves all lathered up. Then this other guy joins in as well. A lot of use of the mouth and finger in that bit – fantastic!

I’d recommend it to anyone, by yourself or maybe even with your partner if you’re so inclined. I’m thinking of inviting some of my mates from the rugby club round next weekend to watch the whole thing. Should be fun.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Best match report ever. It was almost like being there. And you didn’t even mention that the old guy came on a second time and tried really hard for a really long time. But in the end he lost his stick.

  2. Thanks for the comments. I’m a bit concerned though that some of you thought I was watching the cricket. Now that I re-read it, I can see how you might have made that mistake. Glad to clear things up.

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