A team with England in its name is going to win

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We’re not quite sure what’s going on in Abu Dhabi and we’re not sure we want to know.

England Lions made 96 all out in 28.3 overs. This apparently means that an England XI are chasing 230 in 50 overs.

It is not clear at this stage whether you get four runs for hitting a plant pot or whether that means you are out.

However, we CAN confirm that you can be dismissed off the first delivery you face. Alex Hales explored this avenue with the first ball of the match and was so dissatisfied with the results that no-one else is allowed to use his bat for the rest of the day.


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  1. It is not clear at this stage whether you get four runs for hitting a plant pot or whether that means you are out.

    It could only mean that you are out, if these two options are the only ones available, what with there being no plant pots inside the boundary rope. Hence, for the ball to hit a plant pot, it must have already crossed the boundary. Hence hitting the plant pot could not confer four runs, as these would by necessity already have been scored in the act of the ball hitting the pot. Therefore, ergo, hitting the plant pot could only mean one thing – that you are out. QED. Or perhaps there’s another option you haven’t told us about – ie that plant pots have never had, and will continue to never have, anything to do with the scoring system or method of dismissal in cricket.

    1. It’s like you’ve never played cricket. Plant pots, buckets, fences, walls and trees are all well-known scoring areas, many of which can also be reclassified so as to result in the batsman’s dismissal should there be a need to deter the striker from playing shots in a greenhouse-wards direction.

    2. Under the Laws I believe five runs are awarded if the ball strikes a plant pot which has recently been doubling as fielder’s helmet.

    3. Plant pots and chairs are out, no question. This is because they are moveable, and are therefore available to the fielding captain to position as he sees fit. This is the key, and possibly only, application of tactics in backyard cricket.

      Local rules apply to fixed items like flower beds, depending on location, ease of hitting, special scientific interest of plants, etc.

      All walls behind the batsman are “in the slips”, and are therefore out. Walls behind the bowler and fielding pots are the scoring opportunities, usually 2, 4 and 6 (the last being reserved for off-side walls, because who the hell plays the cut or cover drive in backyard cricket). Anything going over the wall is why-on-earth-did-you-hit-it-that-hard-you-daft-tosser-and-out.

    4. Over the wall should also be accompanied by a violently sarcastic airing of the phrase: “Oh, well done.”

    5. i’m sorry, but a plant pot is four runs as it does take some skill, or luck, to hit. However you then must retire, as to hit it again would just be rude.

  2. Ah, it’s just like the big kids vs the little kids.

    On a more serious note, it makes the Lions look incredibly bad.

    1. To be fair, the first team have recent experience of conditions whereas the Lions have been in Sri Lanka.

      Despite what players and commentators would have us believe, Dubai and Abu Dhabi aren’t actually on the subcontinent.

    2. Oh, I know. The Middle East is nothing like the subcontinent. They’ve had me a little confused saying that.

    3. The Middle East though is a subcontinent. Are we suggesting that subcontinent conditions only apply to one specific subcontinent? That would screw with my plans for redefining Kent..

      I’d suggest a new moniker in that case for Sri Ingladeshistan.

    4. KC it feels like a mix of South India & Lahore in UAE so it is an extension of the sub-continent..

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