The India itinerary – good and also rubbish

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England tour India over the winter. They play two Tests, which is clearly too few. They will also play seven one-day internationals, which is clearly a huge waste of everyone’s time.

You can’t blame India. The last time England toured, the Test series was drawn while the one-dayers were so painfully one-sided they might as well have been us – seriously, we can just about pull off ‘waving’ with our left hand, but nothing more complex than that.

Some England fans (read ‘the English media’) are disappointed by the venues, but we’ve been to quite a few of the towns and it’s not all bad. The one they should be complaining about is bleeding Mumbai. If you want to see a man channelling urine down the inside of his leg and out of the bottom of his trouser leg, go to Mumbai.


The first Test’s at Ahmedabad and seemingly everyone hates it. We have no idea why. Despite being in Gujarat (and therefore dry) Ahmedabad’s a top city. They have camel taxis as well as one of the most underrated tourist sights in the entire world.

In the middle of an industrial estate, with no signs or paying-to-get-in or anything else, is this:

Someone will doubtless correct us, but it’s the Dada Hari Vav. It’s a well.

You might think of a well as being a ruddy great hole in the ground, but this is a step well. You can walk down it, descending floor after floor until you get to the water. It’s dark, it’s huge and it’s inexplicably elaborate.

Also, if you do go to the Test in Ahmedabad, you can take a holiday on the island of Diu afterwards. Diu is just off the Gujarati coast and they let you drink there. They also don’t tax you for doing so, so it’s REALLY cheap.


The second one-day international is in Indore. We’ve a vague notion that we’ve been there, but we can’t recall a single detail. We were probably changing buses. It might have been the station with the unusably bad toilets, thinking about it. (Note: That’s ‘unusably bad’ not ‘unusually bad’.)

If you go to the Indore match, make sure you head out to Mandu which is a ruined city. The great thing about Mandu is that there’s a healthy supply of monkeys.

We’re not sure if you’re aware of our entirely wholesome, but perhaps also slightly insane appreciation of monkeys. It stems from an incident which led to our being accepted as their god.

Mandu is a good place to meet monkeys. Tell them we sent you.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. I think the entire write up is full of shit…i appeal to you folks to first get your facts right and then publish something like this. I guess that may not be asking for too much, that is if you folks have the capability to understand, much less appreciate, good stuff and want to come out of your useless alcohol driven stupor…losers…

  2. This article is conspicuously free of factual errors for once.

    If you’re taking umbrage at our description of Indore, to be fair we have only seen the bus station.

    If you mean the urine-channelling thing. We saw that with our own eyes. Unfortunately.

  3. I have it on very good authority that that well doo dad was built by Ravi in his shed. He’s got a bit of a tardis thing going on. Note the lack of tiles.

    I’m quite surprised on the structure really. 2 tests seems predictable, but you’d think that T20 would have been nudged up too somethine more like this as opposed to a “NZ series”. 7 of anything is too many. Except Last Of The Summer Wine omnibuses (omnibi?) on UKTV Gold (Remember that one when he went down the hill in the bathtub?)

  4. Monkeys are overrated! Langurs are ok, macaques can be bolshie. Put temples or ruins together with macaques and you are just asking for trouble. Don’t bother meeting them – just run away!

  5. Jignesh, you ought to come back another day – there really will be poorly researched and factually inaccurate writing then.

  6. Monkeys + temples/ruins = the best kind of trouble

    The hours we’ve spent watching macaques pushing each other round by the back legs like wheelbarrows at UNESCO World Heritage sites.

  7. Jignesh – if KC is factually incorrect, does that make Ahemedabad a shit hole without an incongruously elaborate well in the middle of an industrial estate?

    That’s it, i’m not going. I want to see that well. Where is it really Jignesh?

    (If it was ill, would it be unwell?)

  8. Macaques – yes amusing to watch, and more so than piles of UNESCO rubble. Just don’t meet with them! They’ll co-opt you into the egg and spoon race in no time.

    Jignesh are you a fountain of all knowledge? I quite want to see an unwell! Do you know where I can find one?

  9. The monkeys sound very exciting, but will the pitch be invaded by dogs or bees like in Sri Lanka?

  10. Dogs are more widespread than monkeys, but when it comes to the big occasion they can wimp it out. The one that got into Providence stadium during West Indies v Sri Lanka super 8 decided the nervous bowl movement was the only option. Monkeys just don’t give a damn – the pressure never gets to them!

  11. Six Six Eight: You obviously have yet to discover that which the monkeys fear the most, namely a small thing stick.

    If a macaque approaches you, simply brandishing a thin long stick will make them run with fear. This technique has been tested by myself all over the sub-continent with great effect. I believe they respect our ability to brandish tools.

  12. Ne – So you’ve not had that ‘where’s the thin stick thing’ moment in the middle of a treeless ruin then? Ah preparation on your part!

  13. I am always packing a piece (of thin stick) in such situations. You’d be a fool not to once you see the power it holds.

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