We would like to see Graham Onions play another Test match

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Graham Onions gets sledged by an advertising hoarding

It’s very easy to blank out the finer details of sportsmen’s injuries. Getting knee-knack and gammy-hammy are occupational hazards, so we tend to only really take in the word ‘injured’ before wondering who’ll replace the player in question.

But Graham Onions had spinal surgery. Think about that. Someone tore a ruddy great hole in his body and buggered about with his spine. They drilled a titanium pin into it and then stitched him back up again.

Now here’s the worst part: Graham Onions knows this. When he runs into bowl, somewhere in the back of his mind, he is vaguely aware that his vertebrae have been tinkered with. That’s liable to inhibit your movements.

Onions is over the worst of it now though. His surgery’s a memory, his back’s still intact and he’s getting stuck into all the evil bodily contortions necessitated by fast bowling.

But fast bowlers are quickly forgotten and there was a very real chance Onions would never play for England again. Others performed well in his absence and there was no guarantee he’d bowl well, even if he managed to return at all. Now, thanks to ‘rotation’ and stacks of wickets, he’s potentially in line for another Test match. We’ll be very happy for him if he plays.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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    1. Balls. It’s been so long I forgot if he was Onion or Onions. Please excuse the misplaced apostrophe.

  1. The following has nothing to do with Onions.

    I was trying to post a comment yesterday, and this site gave me a big, fat “Internal Server Error” message. Now, I realize this might not be news, but this one was different. Among other things, it accused me of causing the error. “….report to the system administrator about anything that you might have done that caused this” said the message. This is IRREFORQUABLE.

    This has distressed me so much I had to make up a new word to describe how I feel.

    1. We’re going to move the site at some point, but we’ve this horrible fear the new host won’t be any better.

      It’s very hard to get an impartial view about such things – not least because every website’s needs are different. This site is too busy for the ‘blog’ hostings which get advertised, but doesn’t warrant the same hosting as a newspaper or e-commerce site.

      Also, we don’t know what we’re doing and have this fear that we’ll delete the internet.

    2. Be less popular. Not sure how you’d do this. Your standards are already rock bottom

  2. So do you want to see Onions play test cricket because you think he is one of Englands top # (insert a number) test bowlers? Or do you just think that he’s a nice bloke and deserves another game? Or am i once again missing the point? Is there even a point? Is that too many questions in one post? i think it might be, but what do i know?

    1. Top six seam bowlers certainly and he is a nice bloke as well. Our point is really that it takes a bit of something to come back from an injury like that, so we admire him.

    2. He’s impressive, not express but he uses the ball well. Bit like that other fellow who did well then got injured… Simon Jones was it? I had him picked as your main man for the next few years, funny how these things turn out.
      Question for you all – IF the selectors play both Onions AND Finn which ‘allrounder’ do you keep Barbie or Bresnan?

  3. How many English cricketers are there with food names?

    Graham Onions
    Phil Mustard
    Alec Stew-art
    Mark Eal-ham

    I’m out

    1. We call Graham Onions ‘Jambon-Gris Oignons’.

      No-one else does, but that’s two foods.

    2. Alec STEWart
      Graham FOWLer
      Alan LAMB
      Tony GREGGS PIES
      John HAMpshire
      Colin COWdrey
      BEEFy Botham
      Derek PRINGLES
      Phil MUSTARD
      Graham SWANn (it’s food in my house)
      Matthew HOGgard
      Graham ONIONS

      And clearly, the only captain that could combine them into a coherent offering would be Alastair COOK.

  4. I don’t know how I missed Derek Pringles.

    What about these:

    Kevin PEAstersen
    John EmBERRY
    Jim TROUTon
    Tim MUTTON
    Vikram SoLAMBki
    Andrew FlinTOFFEE
    Martin McCAKE

    1. Martin McCake’s a cracker.

      Geoffrey BoyCOTTAGE PIE.


    Dougie BROWN SAUCE
    Martyn mOXOn
    Monty PANEERsar
    ROGAN JOSH Buttler
    Phil DeFRY-UPtas
    Dominic PORK
    Jonathan SAAGnew
    KEBABir Ali
    Mark RampraHASH


    But seriously, isn’t this what being British is all about. No play at the test match, but are we bothered? NO! Because instead we can all amuse ourselves by with the equally interesting activity of drawing up a list of cricketers that sound like food. Marvellous.

    And yes, it is EQUALLY INTERESTING children. Do you think I can fix the weather? Hmm? Do you think I can make it stop raining? Do you? Or maybe we should all get out of the car and go and sit on the beach in the pouring rain anyway? No? Well stop bloody moaning and enjoy yourselves, for god’s sake!

    Johnny BEARS TOE?
    (Might make a nice starter. Probably a tad expensive, though.)

    1. If you run out of food puns there is a cracker of a bowling demonstration going on between Pakistan and SriLanka right now. Assuming the rain holds off there too.
      Either way it opens up a whole new range of food related names.

  7. More importantly, do they drop Bresnan for this match since the inevitable draw will break his talismanic unbroken run of wins?

    Oh, and

    Alan EGGlesden
    Matthew FALAFELliott (not English, admittedly)
    Martin SAAGers

  8. Colin MilBURNT TOAST
    Len MUTTON
    Steve HarBISON
    Monty PARMESAN
    Michael CARBONARA
    Michael LAMB
    Craig CHEESEwetter

  9. Nasser HUSSain
    Arthur DOLPHIN
    John CHILDs (a modest proposal)
    Ajmal SHADzad
    Tony PIGott
    James WhitHAKEr

    Okay, back to work.


    I’m not sure whether I’m proud or ashamed.

    1. You’re proud. How could you not be?

      Toblerone Canned-Jones.

      That’s ‘Toby Roland-Jones’ by the way and we’re not quite sure what ‘canned Jones’ might be.

  11. Scott BORSCHTwick

    It’s not too pleasant, but perhaps you could try

  12. It’s funny because throughout all this pain you all missed Clive Rice.

    CLIVE FUCKING RICE, people. We had Jimmy OrMONDO BURRITTO before that. Jesus.

  13. Anyway

    Michael BEER
    James FOSTERS
    Michael BOLLINGER
    Fred RUMsey
    Farokh EnGINeer

    It’s lunch where I come from

  14. Dickie BIRD
    He’d need a Mark BUTCHER mind
    And of course who could forget dear old WH MOULE.

  15. Graham Onions is forever doomed to having posts admiring his cricketing qualities devolve into an orgy of cricketers with food names.

    Some BresNAN to go with your Stuart BROTH and Jonathan TROTTERS?

  16. David GOUDA
    Graham GOOSE
    Wayne LARKins
    Bernard BANQUET
    Brian CLOVES
    Jim AllenBRIE
    SIRLOIN MUTTON (I’d forgotten he was a knight before)
    Josh COBb
    Harold GIBLETt
    Douglas SARDINE

    Obviously, you’d cook all this on either your Jack HOBBS, your Jonathan AGAnew or your RANGEitsinhji.

  17. This is brill. I’m just hoping that there’s no play tomorrow as well, so we can all play the cricketers-with-names-that-are-two-types-of-wedding-aniversary game.

    I’ll start you off with Chris Silverwood. Over to you…

  18. Bob APPLEyard
    Raman SUBWAY Row
    Basil D’OLIVE-OIL-A
    Martin SANGERS

  19. George BEAN
    John CRAPP
    Gerge DUCKworth
    Lawrence FISHlock
    Fred TRUeMAN’s ALEment

  20. aLAMB mullLAMBly
    CRISP lewis
    warren EGG
    ronnie BIRIANI
    stephen HOVIS
    gaVINO HAMilton
    devon MILKolm
    steve watKINDER EGG
    mike BEERley
    mike GATEAUXing
    shaun uDAAL

  21. When the Saffers returned to Cricket, they were so wary of food poisoning on their first tour – to India – that they brought their own (Clive) Rice, (Jimmy) Cook and (Kepler) Vessels.

    Norman COWans
    John StephHENson
    Ian SalisBERRY
    Joey BenjaMINI EGG
    Min PATEl
    Chris Adams APPLE
    MARS BAR Trescothick
    Chris TremLETTUCE
    SANDWICH Patel

    Oh God. What have I become.

  23. I go away for a few days and the King Cricket site goes to pot.

    Lancashite Hot Pot to be specific.

    (Lancashite was a typing error originally, but after todays CB40 debacle against the county formerly derided as Piddlysex, I think Lancashite is apposite.)

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