A pitch for Cook the bowler and Anderson the batsman

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For a very short while on the final day, it seemed like things could potentially maybe be sort of in the balance a little bit if a few more things went England’s way, but then it very much wasn’t in the balance and the day climaxed with Alastair Cook’s round-arm shod.

Cook is, quite genuinely, one of our favourite bowlers – for much the sames reasons that Steve Harmison was one of our favourite batsmen. There’s a real village green quality about his efforts with the ball. Make your own jokes about his batting and captaincy there if you wish but we’re not really in the mood for catching dollies today.

For what it’s worth, Cook now boasts a Test bowling average of 7.00.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Enjoyed Cook and Ballance’s dibblers and dobblers. It was like the old days. He should have given everyone a go. Even The Sledge used to be a half decent pic chucker in his youth.

    1. I hear that Ballance was quite dangerous-looking, as opposed to being dobbly.

    2. He bowled one really good delivery. And five balls of shit.

      Kind of like Steve Smith really.

    3. True, but it seemed like a good idea to let Steven Croft be captain of Lancashire for a bit.

    4. Your majesty, I would happily take a Steve Smith in the English team. Sadly Ballance lacks the incredibly punchable face, so I don’t think he’ll ever reach those lofty heights.

    5. On the contrary, Ballance’s face looks like that of a doll specifically made for being punched.

      It’s not that it’s objectionable. It’s that it’s doughy and looks like it could take some punishment.

      In this scenario, the look is a byproduct of the manufacturing process when fashioning a punchable product rather than being a motivation for punching, as is the case with Smith.

  2. This is the place for really petty cricket-related gloating, right? Of course it is.

    “Hi Balladeer,

    Hope you’re well.

    Just a quick email to say you came third in the Trent Bridge Test for our All Out Cricket Fantasy Game. Congratulations.

    Could you reply with your address so I can arrange delivery of your Trion:Z band?

    You’ve also won a 12-month digital subscription to All Out Cricket magazine, which will start from next edition and I’ll sort out for you.”

    Woo! I won a Trion:Z band! And I don’t even know what it is!

    1. Don’t think of it as winning a Trion:Z band (which I think is one of those gastric thingies that goes around your stomach to help you lose weight), think of it as losing a bat and some pads and gloves.

    2. We’ll played Balladeer. And how magnificent, as a result of your genius at team selection you’ve won a wearable fridge magnet.

      Now I know very many people are sceptical about the sports benefits of wearable fridge magnets. But those people are all scientists and doctors and stuff. The people who know about these things, like the marketing department of TrionZ, they are quite sure of the benefits. Those benefits are probably holistic, and almost certainly in tune with your body’s natural rhythms. So ignore all those naysayers. Water down a drop of champagne a billion billion times and celebrate.

    3. I look forward to receiving my complimentary rubber band for mustering the momentum to place third in The Kingdom.

    4. It’s an in-joke. Just thought you should know this. I’m an Indian, so I know these things. If you don’t want it, convert it to Bitcoins and give it to Chris Jordan.

    5. So it’s a device to help me in my athletic endeavours? Wonderful! I’m sure it’ll succeed where my parents, PE teachers and regular games lessons for about 15 years have failed.

    6. Don’t knock the Trion:Z! They are magic! Even better than rocks in your head (or is that a bible reference I have mixed up with something else).

      I am going to sleep in my pyramid with my pet rock and blanket made of magnets. Or is that magnets in my underpants…

      I looked up Trion:Z (I put the phrase “Does Trion:Z work” into google and read the comments).

      There is always one person who is not afraid to say they work. I want to be that person as long as I get paid what Andrew Strauss did to wear them (unless he believed they worked in which case I don’t).

    7. One day, I really would like to launch a dodgy product, name it something like “Trion”, make a living out of it and smirk to myself that no-one spotted the give away aptronym.

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