An acceptable way to finish a cricket match and an unacceptable way to report on one

Posted by
2 minute read

We’ve been having some absolutely belting weather for the last week or so in these parts – but only on the sly. The gale force winds that have been partially masking things finally abated today and the lull revealed one of those perfect spring days that make you slightly less annoyed about your inability to think straight on account of having been woken up at 5am.

What we’re trying to say is that we didn’t watch England v Ireland because it was sunny out. We didn’t even listen to the radio. We just repeatedly watched that demented scene from Hard Target where Jean-Claude Van Damme punches a snake in the face before turning it into a lethal trap until our phone battery ran out. After that we just sat there.

Returning indoors, we see that England won. Hurray! Only not a real roaring ‘hurray’ because it would actually be quite nice if Ireland did well.

Unlike the first match, today’s fixture seemed more like a run-scoring victory.

That said, it did end how all matches should end – with a Mark Wood yorker.


Of course if that were mandatory, it would be very wearying for Wood, what with the obligation to deliver yorkers on demand for hundreds of different teams all across the globe.

We have therefore come up with three other acceptable match climaxes.

Acceptable ways to finish a cricket match

  1. Mark Wood yorker
  2. Comedy run-out
  3. Overthrows
  4. Quietly shaking hands having accepted that you aren’t going to get the overs in


Reportage is going to fall some way short of our usual atomic clock level of reliability this week.

If by some miracle it should hit the heights of ‘patchy’ then you should consider that a win.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Today would have been a good day for a proper old-fashioned bad light finish. 5:20 or so, only about another half-an-hour of cricket left in the match, bright sunshine – the ideal conditions for the umpires to march the players off.

  2. You forgot

    5. Offering the opposition a draw because it’s raining and nobody can be bothered to put the numbers into a DL calculator.

  3. By a strange coincidence, my phone battery too almost went dead by the time I finished watching the video. But thanks to KC’s warning, I had my charger plugged in and ready and managed to connect my phone as fast as possible to the charger.

    Thanks KC. Forewarned is forearmed.

    1. Speaking of the 2009 season, I have recently purchased, but am yet to read, Duncan Hamilton’s “A Last English Summer”, which chronicles the very same season.

      Has anyone read it? Was it worth the £2.50 I stumped up?

      1. Pretty sure we’ve got a copy.

        We don’t even have any real recollection what it was about. That’s probably a good sign. We always remember poor books in vivid detail.

  4. Meanwhile I am beginning to realise the implications of the statement:

    “Reportage is going to fall some way short of our usual atomic clock level of reliability this week.”

    I am starting to worry about it a lot. I can see myself oversleeping, arriving at meetings early, late or not at all, overcooking the pasta and possibly even losing a whole day…

    …for want of the metronome-like regularity of KC postings.

    I have not bothered to wear a wrist watch since I found this web site and am darned if I;m going to start wearing one again now, just because KC is having a delinquent week.

      1. I can’t answer that question, Ged, but I do know that if you want to be up and about before nine you need to get a potato clock.

  5. Living in S Cal, i read that as pot eight o’clock which may be a misinterpretation and certainly not be be employed before a day in the City.

    1. Up at eight o’clock, Rus, a potato clock.

      I find that the joke that needs to be explained and/or disambiguated is almost always the very best kind of joke, I’m sure you’ll agree.

    2. Unless it’s sinsemilia, so I’ve heard. I bet with your linguistic acumen, Thesaurusrus, you can disentangle that word to reveal it’s original meaning.

  6. I could live with patchy. My own blog reading form has been somewhat patchy of late.

    However, if that were to downgrade to between “intermittent” to “nonexistent”, it would be the kind of situation where alarms may go off on atomic clocks

  7. Just in case it needs to be said, I really have missed the King Cricket postings this week. I hope those other commitments will dissipate sufficiently soon, KC, while nevertheless wishing you well with them.

    While we are all still waiting, Ogblog has arrived at the summer of 2009 and here is a link to one of the days I spent at the ICC World Twenty20 tournament, which (as it happens) the little green monster wrote up for KC:

Comments are closed.