Count Cricket’s county cricket round-up – May 6th

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Good day. I am Count Cricket. My parole officer told me it would aid my rehabilitation to find some form of employment and King Cricket has offered to pay me £2.70 to cover the county cricket season for his “website”. I assume he needs to subcontract because he is too busy telling people what classification of hill climb he’s been up on his bicycle this week, like the world’s most boring man (which is precisely what he is).

This week I went to watch Warwickshire against Durham. I took a flask of brandy with me and the experience was not unpleasant. A chap I met in the toilets told me that Ian Ronald Bell was likely to score runs, so I popped down to the local bookmakers and laid a wager on his being top scorer. Glory be, he was. Ian Ronald Bell made 120 when all other batsmen struggled and it surely can’t be long before this young man plays cricket for the United Kingdom.

Another chap I met in the toilets said that Warwickshire would remain at the top of the table. He said that a bowler named Keith Hubert Douglas Barker had played a larger part in the victory than Ian Ronald Bell as he had taken 10 wickets. However, I had laid no wager on this and so cared not a jot. Nottinghamshire are second, having beaten Lancashire, who cannot bat.

Until next time,
Count Cricket


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. I can’t help but feel that a Count, which is hardly a top-drawer title, should be more interested in the Second Division competition.

  2. I have noticed that if you write Count Cricket’s name backwards it spells “Tekcric”. As everyone knows, Tekcric is an evil genius, from the Planet Zog, who is hell bent on destroying civilisation as we know it.

    What a fiendish and ingenious disguise.

    Now if only someone had noticed in time that Count Alucard was seriously dodgy, a lot of Hammer horror might have been averted.

    Did Count Cricket pop in to Lord’s today to watch Daryl Mitchell break down under interrogation by Chris Rogers and thus agree to a one-and-a-bit innings game which led to one fairly inevitable result?

    Indeed, perhaps the agreement was reached with Mr Mitchell under the spell of the Count’s hypnotic stare.

    1. Daisy points out that the evil genious in question is named “Count Tekcirc”, not Tekcric.

      Honestly, has she any idea how much time I spend honing gems of comment for KC’s website?

      Perhaps I should deploy my writing talents in a less challenging environment in future, such as helping Daisy complain to the ombudsman about some duff insurance she bought.

  3. Hi everyone. Just a heads up, I have posted my latest piece. This time I look at why I chose to play cricket – Follow me @cricketjourney if you would like updates from my blog. Thanks!

  4. KC doesn’t usually drink. But when he does, it is his mother’s punch.

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