Count Cricket’s county cricket round-up – May 14th

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Good day to you all. I, Count Cricket, attended the Nottinghamshire v Middlesex match last week in my role as King Cricket’s county reporter.

Due to heavy rain, I was forced to seek refuge in the toilets. Fortunately, I discovered that I could emerge and check the scoreboard from time to time with very little chance of being seen. As a result of this, I know that a Nottinghamshire batsman called Michael John Lumb made 162 runs, helping his county acquire the bonus points needed to top the table. However, the match was drawn and Warwickshire, in second place, have two games in hand.

Last week’s other matches were also shortened by precipitation. Lancashire again failed to score runs, as did Surrey in their first innings, although they rectified this in the second when their imported middle order of Kevin Peter Pietersen, Rory James Hamilton-Brown and Thomas Lloyd Maynard all contributed runs. All matches were drawn.

A gentleman I met in the Trent Bridge facilities filled me in on these details. I attempted to thank him, but he refused the ecru-coloured potion which I had concocted.

Until next time,
Count Cricket


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  1. Excellent play from Lancs at Hove, I thought, and not only because of their superb sitting in the pavillion staring at the rain for two days. All teams have batting collapses in a season, so well done Lancs for getting another one of theirs out of the way and done with in a dead match. It was amusing watching Sussex completely fail to do the same by smiting their way to several bonus points in double quick time. They’ll be regretting that by the season’s end, let me tell you.

  2. The Count should have been at the Glos v Yorkshire match where he could have witnessed our ingenious post-Shahzad plan:

    We’re going to hope the weather reduces the game to a single innings shootout and then chase down a near record score. It’s bound to work every time.

  3. Ro-Jam-Ham-Bro (as he probably isn’t known) is hardly an import, having begun his career at Surrey, before moving to the seaside.

    He does seem to be scoring many runs at the moment, Count Cricket. What do you make of his performance, and what sort of potion would you offer him if you encountered him standing at the adjacent latrine?

    1. We’re afraid Count Cricket is not internet savvy and therefore won’t be able to answer your questions. We have to type up his reports after he’s stuffed them through our letterbox. This one was scribbled on the back of some unopened junk mail.

  4. A friend of mine is planning to get a cat.

    He is proposing to call it Rory Hamilton-Brown.

    This is what it has come to.

    1. “This is what it has come to”, or the more conventional variant “So it has come to this”, is a phrase available to describe literally every situation.

      “We’re out of loo paper.”

      “So it has come to this.”

    2. As XKCD points out, without compromising the truth you can preface any statement with the sentence, “I have travelled through time and space to bring this message to you.” The above response only adds to the sense of gravitas / stupidity.

      “I have travelled through time and space to bring this message to you. Your tea’s ready.”

      “So, it has come to this.”

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