Count Cricket’s county cricket round-up – September 4th

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Good day to you all. I, Count Cricket, have been following Durham around these last few weeks in my role as King Cricket’s roving county cricket reporter. I have developed a taste for Onions, you see. He really is rather delicious.

A few sips of warming brandy, combined with the distinctive aroma of Onions in the air and I am a happy man. I saw him take 9-67 in Nottinghamshire’s first innings and 6-51 in Lancashire’s first innings. He was so beguiling that on neither occasion did I drink so much that I was coughing up lung butter in the street after the day’s play. There can be no higher commendation.

His team-mate Paul Collingwood also caught my eye. I was surprised when the lady who helped me up off the toilet floor told me that his career had somewhat ebbed in recent months. I had seen him make 78 against Surrey, 59 against Nottinghamshire and 53 not out against Worcestershire in a successful run-chase. He then went and made 114 against Lancashire.

Hopefully he showed the Lancastrians how to bat. This morning I awoke to a glorious canal view with newspaper affixed to my face. As I peeled it off, I noticed that county’s batting averages for this season. Only three of them average over 30 and one is Kyle Hogg who has been not out in precisely half of his innings. It makes me so sad when I see people suffering such indignities.

Lancashire are currently in something that people seem to refer to as ‘the regulation zone’. I do not know what all of these regulations are, but one seems to be that should you finish the season within said zone, you will be forced to play against incompetent fools in the second division the following year.

Meanwhile, at the top of the table, Warwickshire have continued winning and drawing and have therefore opened up a lead, much as I have just opened up a delicious bottle of mouthwash. It’s 40% alcohol by volume, you know.

Until next time,
Count Cricket


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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One comment

  1. Great words once again from the Count.

    May I commend surgical spirit to you, my Lord. Most efficacious in every case.

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