England are playing

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< 1 minute read

So are New Zealand. It’s a Test match. You’ll probably have something to say. Leave your comments on this post while we busy ourself desperately trying to come up with something insightful and pithy to say about the first day’s play.

If you’re interested in our thoughts while the match is in progress, we won’t really have any if England are batting. If they’re bowling, we’ll be thinking ‘get Ballance on’.

Cook never gets Ballance on. It’s a crime.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Cook’s captaincy that had a lucky break.
    Ballance hanging back in his crease.
    Root isn’t a Test-class spinner, the talentless chump.
    Stokes’ style of play is bound to fail when tried a second time.
    Buttler keeping to spin.
    Ali’s average will probably inflate.
    Wood’s one fast ball too much away from breaking down.
    Broad still really can’t bat.
    Anderson varies wildly between mediocre and magical.

    TL;DR – all of the England team are shit, 1-1 waiting.

  2. Today’s post brought to you by…the future!

    Or maybe I’m living 8 hours in the past.

  3. Also (and I don’t give two hoots about T20, but beggars/choosers etc) – in your face, Durham!

    1. Apparently Middlesex also won a T20. Who knew that having the England T20 captain in your team could be a good thing.

  4. Root is waiting for the reversion to the mean to happen. Heaven help England if it starts to happen in the next 5 days. The Stokes numbers in terms of variance suggest he will score -60 in his next innings.

  5. Bring back Scott Borthwick. He appeared in the last Ashes, is he now on a celebrity show?

  6. The Test match has already started in Australia, Cook won the toss and we will bat.

  7. It’s good to see Middlesex have a young leg-spin bowler called Sowter knocking on the door of the England T/20 team. He currently takes a wicket about every 2 balls at an average of 1. These statistics are drawn from yet another small sample.

    1. We like diversity and ambiguity here in Muddlesex (as our Kiwi friends might describe us).

  8. Mark Nicholas


    Getting up at 5am for an early shift

    Channel 5 not updating its On Demand service quick enough

    Chris Jordan hitting a six to help Sussex beat Warwickshire by one wicket

    Greg James

    1. Looks like the final result of the series might be England 1, New Zealand 0, Rain 1.

      I don’t begrudge Rain its Test, mind. It’s got some really good players, like Annoyingly Consistent Drizzle, Sharp Sudden Downpour, and Alex Hails.

  9. I’m just glad that Cook is not thinking about the Graham Gooch milestone. How do people discover these things? I can see that a cricinfo journalist might make a hypothesis along the lines of Cook’s likely thought process, but confirming that hypothesis all becomes a bit Schrödinger’s Cat-like. It puts one in mind of Tendulkar and the business about how many 100s he hadn’t scored.

    1. So you’re saying the recent England success is because Cook the Captain may or may not exist?

    2. It sounds like the white bear/thought suppression paradox – now that he’s been asked about it, he’s got to be thinking about it, surely? Unless his mental powers are indeed that much greater than the average non-England-Captaining mortal.

    1. I also enjoy him. I’ve not seen any negative comments. Surprisingly impartial given his short retirement and full of incisive comments about spin. Like Warne, except for the impartially. And the dickishness.

    1. Those of you who don’t know what Dandy Dan’s on about can avoid such a situation in the future by signing up for the weekly Cricket Badger email here.

    2. More imaginary horse news as well. Aren’t all of our imaginary horses equally picky? It’s a real problem.

    3. Flash forward 15 years.

      “Do you remember that bowler who played for England once, he said he had an imaginary horse?”


      “What the hell was that about?”

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