What happened in the England v New Zealand match?

We’re going to miss this match, so you’re going to have take up the slack and deliver our usual insightful, in-depth reportage in the comments section yourselves.

If you divvy the work up between a few hundred of your pets, we’re sure you can produce something approaching our usual quality. Infinite monkeys and all that. You will probably get more accurate results if the pets are angry, tired, hungry, or all three. But don’t be cruel to them in the name of art. It is unacceptable to do anything in the name of art, except for the destruction of art.

Blame our Dad for ageing if you’ve got a problem with our absence. Sometimes it seems like not a year goes by without him having some kind of birthday or other. And not a decade goes by without there being a big song and dance about it (albeit with no actual singing or dancing, because he’s a real man).

Meet you back here in a few days. We will review the comments upon our return and take your words as gospel for the remainder of the tournament.

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33 Appeals

  1. The important thing is your claim that Kieswetter will score more runs than Ali in this tournament will get to be tested after all.

  2. I keep thinking Shaun pollock is anti Semitic.

  3. Danny Morrison expressing surprise that Moeen Ali had “moved” to Worcester might be the best bit of the tournament.

    He moved about 8 years ago and was born in Birmingham Dazza.

  4. Jade is the 19th ranked t20I bowler in the world.

    England seem to have picked to many bowlers. Brennan or Jordan you don’t need both when Ravi and moeen will bowl.

    I think we will lose.

  5. I liked when one of the commentators brought up how low the highest successful chase anyone has made against England was when the Dutch got 163, as if this was a good thing, and not indicative of England’s inability to post a high score.

    I stand by my pre-match belief that England will lose all of their games.

  6. I love matches decided after one side has batted for 5 overs. It lends such an air of legitimacy to proceedings.

  7. People will be complaining about lightning, rain, and other assorted woes that befell the English, but the fact is that McCullum hit twice as many sixes as any English batsman and he was only there for 6 balls.

  8. This match finally helped me understand the D-L method. Here’s how it works: when you’re batting and there is lightning followed by thunder (because as everyone knows light travels faster than sound), you need one more run. That’s it. However when there’s no lightning and it just pours without warning, you’d need anywhere between 3 and 27 depending on the refractive index of your bat.

  9. FULL MATCH REPORT – ENGLAND v NEW ZEALAND 22 March 2014 IT20

    Daisy and I decided to follow the match on TV over a late lunch. We had snacked on some falafels from the local Middle-Eastern store when we got back from playing tennis. (A little labneh and hummous on the side, just in case anyone wants that level of detail).

    As we were assembling our lunch, we observed Shaun Pollock wittering on about “the Jew factor” and remarked upon it in similar terms to soviet onion’s comment above in this thread. Daisy also remarked that Pollock must be the most irritating commentator on the circuit right now.

    The lunch comprised smoked salmon, potted shrimp, some fancy bread (with poppy seeds on the outside) and salad. The liquid refreshment comprised juice (orange and grapefruit) and a rather jolly bottle of New Zealand Gewurztraminer.

    I complained that the fridge only contained Kiwi wines. Daisy reminded me that she had asked me to stock up the fridge with a few bottles the night before and that the fault, if indeed fault this was, lay with me. She was right on this one occasion.

    Daisy then decided that Danny Morrison is too parochial-sounding to be a Kiwi and must be an Aussie in disguise. We then debated his age, Daisy assuming him to be much older than I thought he was. Daisy guessed 56, I guessed 44, the answer, via Google, is 48. Victory for me on this one, but such victories are Pyrrhic I assure you.

    The bottle of wine went down with some rapidity and my memory of the rest of the proceedings is a little blurred – especially the large chunk of the match through which I slept after lunch.

  10. Happy birthday to you
    Happy birthday to you
    Happy birthday dear King Cricket’s Dad
    Happy birthday to you

    Re: The Match
    D/L doesn’t work when rain is expected, because teams adapt their tactics to suit. Answer – ban all weather forecasts during a World Cup.

  11. We had lunch at the Brass Bell in Kalk Bay (hake, prawn and calamari combo) came back over the mountain to Kommetjie with a short stop at the Bottle store which nearly sufficiently dampened the pain of both the SA v SL AND Eng v NZ Matches.
    Is it too much to ask one of my teams to win something.?
    Oh, well just have to make do with sea, sun and wine.

  12. I was clearing out my later father’s loft during the NZ innings. During this time I found my copies of “Tootles the Taxi” (Ladybird books c1972) and “Mog the Forgetful Cat”. Unfortunately Mog was not showing any indifference to cricket.

    • What did Mog forget?

    • mog forgets everything…

      tootles the taxi!! bloody hell i remember that one… i may even have a battered old copy of my own kicking around the place somewhere

      i blame your dad kc. how dare he get any older during a hit-n-giggle world cup. most inconsiderate of him.

      btw i recall my own (late) father telling me an anecdote about cricket ferrets – this was a northern expression for someone who was such a piss-poor batsman that “he got sent in after the rabbits”. what i don’t recall is what someone like that would even be doing in the side, since a bowler who can’t bat is automatically a rabbit… specialist fielder perhaps? did they have those in the old days..?

    • The only player I ever heard described as a ferret was Mark Robinson. Holder of the record for consecutive FC ducks. 12?

    • I think ferrets are bowlers who REALLY can’t hold a bat. Like, “more wickets than runs” can’t bat.

      Tuffers, Jimmy A, Hoggard, Caddick – rabbits.

      Chris Martin, Chandrasekhar… – ferrets.

    • Cos the ferrets come after the rabbits. Most Cricketing ferrets are seem to be fairly gentle souls so I’m not sure the analogy holds. That said I wouldn’t like either kind to run up the inside of my trouser legs.

  13. It’s hard to summon up the will to track the scores in the T20 WC because Cricinfo keep on flashing up that horrible ad for nail fungus cream alongside the scorecards.

    Or am I the only person seeing that?

  14. The Hollands are currently 10-4.

    Not so clever now are you, The Hollands?

  15. Dirk Nannes is pretty scary on the sky sports zone. He stares at the other person when they are talking, and looks a bit mad.

  16. Can somebody please stuff a pair of socks into Danny Morrison’s stupid gobhole?

    Thanks awfully.

    • Life long nob-end that Danny Morrison.

    • Very disturbing as he was once actually quite normal. Clear evidence of what prolonged exposure to T20 can do.

    • The normal version still exists when he covers test cricket. His T20 alter ego is bizarre.

    • Superb comments there by the KC boys in orange surround.

    • I have a theory that T20 is a perfectly servicable game provided you never watch it on the telly. Radio is fine (in fact, I greatly enjoyed listening to Jonty Rhodes as I painted the fire surround in our living room over the weekend). Going to the ground can be a great day/evening out.

      Watch on telly, however, and you are unable to avoid images of gaudy dancing lasses, stupid graphics, overly loud music and inane product placement. And Dazza, of course.

    • Astronomical theory by the boy in string, there.

      String theory. It simply doesn’t get bigger than that.

    • And the crowd are loving Ged’s input here, on King Cricket, in 2014, on a Tuesday!

    • Chivaz Regal String Theory – hoping to unify General Motors Gravity and KFC Quantum Mechanics.

  17. I’m having withdrawal symptoms, with no blog updates for 2 days. Do come back KC, and happy birthday to Emperor Cricket.

  18. Bloody hell; i think i’ve cracked it. The problem with T20 isn’t annoying Danny or Bumble, loud music or manufactured pseudo-excitement. It’s us. Those of us that think we’re “proper” cricket fans; we’re the only ones that haven’t adjusted.

    We get the shits with players who try a stupid reverse sweep on the first morning of a test, but we haven’t changed our mindset either. T20 Danny and Bumble are annoying twats who you’d cross the road to avoid, but you’d buy the test version a pint and hang round for hours listening if you got the chance. But doesn’t that mean we just need to adjust like they do?

    I’m going to watch the next game with my brain in neutral, ice cold lager and no expectations. Then i’ll never think of that game again; no looking up scorecards or posting comments to stats, banter and geekery-fueled websites.

    I’ll keep you posted.

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