I Don’t Like Cricket, I Hate It – the county cricket and crying Aussies edition

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A semi-regular feature in which we ask a fella going by the name of Prince Prefab about cricket – even though he hates cricket. We are in bold. Prince Prefab is not.

King Cricket: We’re speaking now on the eve of the County Championship and I am all the way excited to hear how this competition impacts on your life.

It does not. Unless there are crying Australians I’m not interested. Although I do love counties. I like to look at maps of the counties. Might get a county map and get it framed.

It literally has zero impact?

I’ve honestly never given it a single thought. Probably thought about badminton more. And I’ve never thought about badminton.

The only thing I know about county cricket (and I suspect that it probably isn’t the case any more) is that Yorkshire are the only team to have players only born in Yorkshire play for them. Was that ever the case?

That was the case until not quite as long ago as you’d probably imagine. Okay, let’s talk about crying Australians then. How did that whole thing seem to you, viewed from your position ‘outside cricket’?

Brilliant. Great fun. A right laugh. Didn’t understand the crying. I’ll cry at anything; I’ve cried at a wedding in Neighbours but if I intentionally set out to do something and then got caught doing it and then decided to apologise for doing it, I don’t reckon I’d cry.

Also, why was that lad’s dad there when he was saying sorry and crying? I reckon 12 is the cut off point for having your dad with you when you’ve fucked up.

We should probably try and pin that down actually. Here in the UK, 12 means high school for most people – maybe the first year, maybe the second. We need to imagine a high school scenario where you’re in pretty major trouble for dishonesty to work out whether or not it still makes sense to have your dad there for the apology.

Well, for context, (although this is not about dishonesty) I was about ten, playing football in the street with my dad. I was taking a penalty against our neighbour’s drive and he was in goal and I scored an amazing goal but the ball kept rising and smashed our neighbour’s garage window. Now, bearing in mind it was my dad’s fault for letting the ball get past him, and I was TEN, he ran inside and made me go and knock on the neighbour’s door, show them the damage and apologise. He watched this from behind our curtains. That, I believe, is proper parenting.

So what you’re saying is that by the age of ten, your dad felt it was absolutely legitimate for you to face the music alone? I think that’s only part-way conclusive though because maybe his involvement influenced that decision. Would it be fair to say that if he hadn’t been in nets, he might have accompanied you for the apology? (By the way, our favourite detail in this story is that he felt it necessary to return home at speed.)

Yeah he legged it. You know what, I’ve changed my mind. If you want your dad there, fine. Quite touching in a way. This isn’t about masculinity, this isn’t about being strong, burying emotion; like I said I love a good cry. Men should cry, it does you good to have a cry now and again, but I don’t understand what the tears were for here. In fact I don’t understand the whole thing. Cheating in front of 20 cameras. What did they think would happen?

Well this is the thing. Some feel that maybe they were up to lower-grade no-good previously or were up to the exact same sort of no-good but had previously managed to avoid being detected. We’re of the opinion that even if they’d never done this exact thing before, it would be weird if the sandpapering were an absolute outlier.

We suppose the crying was a moment of clarity. Kind of: “We lost sight of the bigger picture and now we see how annoyed everyone is, we kind of feel bad for letting everyone down.” Does that ring true?

Yeah, I can see that. Also, I’m not saying it wasn’t intense. The whole world laughing at you, accusing you, your prime minister’s having a go – bet it was horrible. I mean, even I was interested and as you know, I have no interest in cricket.

This seems like a bit of a non-sequitur at this point in the conversation, but you say that I have to ask you this. Which is the worst county?



Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Cheshire’s not a real county, is it?

    I see the students reduced Leics to 16-4 this morning. Very optimistic about this season. Still, Carberry scored 8, so at least his average for the county has gone up.

  2. Why is Nick Compton doing disturbing photo shoots instead of playing for Middlesex this year?

  3. Kent 64 & 75-3 vs Gloucestershire 110. Bell Drummond 61 of 65 balls out of the 75-3. Classic early season game…

  4. Emphatic start to the season by Middlesex. But that is second division stuff and it is surely far more interesting to discuss:

    * the inability of Yorkshire CCC to get the teams on the field for three days in a row even though it isn’t raining in Leeds;

    * my other team, the Chennai Super Kings, who are about to set foot on the field of play. Let the maximums come spewing forth.

    1. As compensation, the CSK game did end with a six. Although with a few more required. Perhaps Kings XI assumed that they were facing Cheshire, hence the fierce early fireworks.

      1. Huh. I’d wondered what happened to Freckingham after Leics released him. Glad he’s still playing.

  5. And I’ve never thought about badminton.

    Ah, badminton. Here is something to think about – the speed records for various sports:

    Cricket – 100mph
    Golf – 211mph
    Formula 1 – 258mph
    Badminton – 306mph

    300 miles per hour! Three hundred jeffing miles per arseing hour! We are approaching these sorts of levels now.

    1. You did well. Most of the time these badminton players are going so fast you can barely even see them, let alone meet them. And that’s true in Cheshire as well.

  6. I like Prince Prefab. A part of my mind is Prince Prefab when it comes to cricket. But another part is KC-ish.
    I can be confused at times.
    What it amounts to is, my thoughts often trend as follows: “Oh bugger it’s the cricket season again. Oh yeah! It’s the cricket season again!
    Ad nauseam.
    I’m very poor company all things considered.

    1. Perfectly understandable cognitive dissonance Jimmy.

      When I was a child, I used to read a comic entitled Whizzer and Chips:


      The conceit of that comic was the idea that it was in fact two comics coming at the chucklesome world from diametrically opposed, or at least discordant, positions. (I might have been over-thinking at that stage of my life, but please roll with the analogy).

      In many ways, King Cricket and Prince Prefab are the Whizzer and Chips of the cricket website world.

      Which out of King Cricket and Prince Prefab is Sid’s Snake and which is Shiner could be a matter for some considerable musing or debate.

      1. An apposite post Jed and thanks. More recently, TV series the City and the City has two sets of people and two separate cities occupying the same physical space. The citizens of Besźel go about their daily lives in complete ignorance of the citizens of Ul Qoma, despite being in complete proximity to them. Acknowledging the other is known as “breach”, a highly complex concept clearly modelled on the LBW law.
        Dah I did it! Saw cricket when I’m in the non-cricket sphere! Breach!
        I need a lie down.

  7. Olly Stone’s back.

    As in he’s no longer got problems with it and he’s also returned from a Gramatica-esque knee injury and he’s reportedly bowling fairly quickly and took 8/80 against Sussex.

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