Ian Bell – ink him in at three

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We’d planned to write something about how Ian Bell supplied the padding in the ‘meal’ of an England innings – the bulk that everyone takes for granted, without really paying any attention to it. Slightly dull, but integral to the construction of the meal.

There were going to be lots of foodstuffs likened to various cricketers, but then we imagined seeing it all on screen and imagined our readers’ disappointed reactions, so we didn’t bother. All you need to know is that Ian Bell was either potatoes, rice, pasta or bread.

We’ve pretty much written the thing anyway, haven’t we? We’ve probably written more about not writing it than we would have written in the first place.

James Anderson and Stuart Broad were really good too. What culinary ingredients would they be?

England v India, third one-day international at Edgbaston
England 281-8 (Ian Bell 79, RP Singh 3-55)
India 239 all out (Sourav Ganguly 72, Rahul Dravid 56, James Anderson 3-32)


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Yes. He could be chips. Equally, lattice fries, hash browns or whatever.

    Chips are a type of potato really.

  2. Don’t be silly, chips aren’t potatoes, chips are ace, and this leads to my problem.
    Sometimes the chips or bread or rice can be ny favourite part of the meal. And surely KC you are not calling palate slightly dull?

  3. With him and Mustardo in the same team, the new England team could be full of cullinary delights.

    For the record Jimmy Anderson would be a chickin Tikka, kinda spicy at times, just like his bowling!

  4. I haven’t had mustard for ages. I’m going to make a mental note to eat more mustard, ooooooooohhhhhh and more horseradish. I love horseradish.

    Last time I went home though my mum pulled some horseradish from the back of the cupboard and I liberally splashed it all over my roast beef. (this is not an innuendo) Subsequent events lead us to work out that the horseradish jar had been there since about 1982. It was an unfortunate night, my parents had guests round and we only had one bathroom.

    Posioned by own mother.

  5. Chicken tikka and chips? hmmmm, tasty.

    Chips and mustard? is it german mustard? No, not coleman’s german mustard, I mean mustard from germany, senf if you will. It is? well, in that case, hmmmmmm, tasty.

    Chicken tikka, chips and mustard? eugh! That is well rank man.

  6. I heard a rumour that KC loves ‘light’ mayonnaise. He thinks it’s just as tasty and healthier than full fat mayonnaise.

  7. The Atkins Diet is no way to construct a one-day total. That’s (genuinely) our point.

    England’s World Cup bid was Atkins-esque. Or possibly just garnish.

  8. The hierarchy would run: mayonnaise (ordinary), mayonnaise (diet) then salad cream.

    That said, light mayonnaise is a reasonable and health-conscious substitute for when you’re trying to pretend that you don’t live off pie and beer.

    There’s quite a high Brian ratio to these comments.

  9. In one of the England brochures it had all the players’ favourite foods. KP drew attention to his total lack of being English by saying “Brai” (South African for barbecue I believe). Steve Harmison said “salad”, which seems highly unlikely.

    I know that’s not the point of this thread at all.

  10. In the North-East, if you eat your pie without a bottle of Newcy Brown, then that’s classed as ‘salad’.

  11. Hi Katie!

    I think Stuart Broad is a spiced veal cutlet. Looks delicate and pale, you feel slightly guilty for one so young-looking to be doing what he is doing, BUT, has a kick to him.

    I think Matt Prior is tomato ketchup. If used too liberally, will be the loudest, most dominant flavour in a meal, but without adding any substance.

    Piyush Chawla is a little iced cupcake. Don’t ask me to explain this one.

  12. Surely Andrew Strauss is a roast dinner. He can be very variable: sometimes beautifully cooked, served with delicious gravy and perfect potatoes but occasionally (such as now) grey and tasteless and served with sprouts. Uck, chuck it in the bin quick. Am I pushing the metaphors too far here (or are they similes)?

  13. That was meen Lemon Bella, just because I wnet to the local sink comprehensive, my comments are valid too. I blame David Cameron.

  14. I’m sorry Brian. I have to pick on other people’s inadequacies to mask my own. I blame Neil Kinnock.

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