Kevin Pietersen in England selection SHOCKER

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Bloodied team-mate lying motionless just out of shot

England today announced that a player who has not retired from international cricket, who averages almost 50 and who hit a hundred in his last Test match is indeed going to be included in a Test squad.

The press asked England’s selection panel whether this was wise in light of the fact that some of the player’s team-mates think that he is a bit of a bell end. The panel may or may not have responded by pointing out that Ian Botham was selected over a hundred times.

We can exclusively reveal that in order for this to have happened, the player in question has had to look several people in the face and say some things.


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  1. TOP STORY: Not everybody in a sports team always gets on. More on this from our correspondents Adam Gilchrist and Shane Warne.

    1. While in the studio we have Damien Martyn and seemingly pretty much anyone he ever played alongside.

    2. Unfortunately the presentation had to be cut short because the studio was invaded by a large number of buzzing insects that caused participants quite a bit of discomfort. At one point, Mr. Martyn was found to jump from from his chair and shake his fist at the Creator, claiming “one day he will do something about this”.

    3. Maybe Hayden’s beef with Martyn revolves around mosquitoes being “one of God’s creatures”.

  2. “The press asked England’s selection panel whether this was wise in light of the fact that some of the player’s team-mates think that he is a bit of a bell end”.

    It’s not the fact that his team-mates think he’s a bell end, it’s the fact that he IS a bell end. But as you so rightly point out, being a total bell end should never trump ability as a factor in selection. Well, not for long anyway…

    1. Don’t for a minute think that we don’t use the word ‘knob’ here in the UK.

      However,’bell-end’ is more specific and, in this instance, more accurate.

    2. Or as someone once called a French bloke affiliated with her son’s football team, an asschapeau.

  3. If i was captain, only my mates would make the side.
    “Kev, he’s a pretty good bat but he’s also a massive tool, so we’ll play Dave-o instead. Dave-o can’t play for shit but he’s got some cracking stories and is great fun on the piss”.

    1. Bell-ends have a certain naivety and lack of venom about them. A former Australian opening batsmen therefore only ticks three boxes.

    2. A list of cricket’s bell-ends:

      1. Giles Clarke
      2. Hugh Morris
      3. Everyone ever connected with MCC / TCCB / ECB
      4. Geoff Boycott
      5. Matthew Hayden
      6. Ijaz Butt
      7. Salman Butt (representing others as well)
      8. Charles Colvile
      N (where N is a large finite number). Kevin Pietersen

      He’s playing at it, just an amateur. Geoff Boycott’s mum was a more effective bell-end than KP could ever dream of becoming. Irritating, yes, but does anyone really despise KP with every fibre of their being, as we do with the others on the list?

      At the heart of this embarrassing mess was a clash of bell-end culture. People who are bell-ends of a particular sort thought that KP was a bell-end of the wrong sort altogether. English cricket wasn’t big enough for both sides in this war of bellendedness, so one side had to go. The biggest shame is that they chose the wrong one.

    3. It’s like the big enders and little enders in Gullivers Travels. Here, the big bellenders just couldn’t take the dissension of the little bellenders (ie KP) and so declared war on them. When in fact all they needed to do was broaden their definition of bell-endedness to accommodate the other point of view. Still, it was fun while it lasted.

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