Kolkata Knight Riders’ arse-kicking abilities fully explored and evaluated

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< 1 minute read

This is what greets you when you log onto the Kolkata Knight Riders’ website:

We clicked 'nope'

If the owner can’t even hold a batting helmet without it catching fire, you’ve got to go for ‘nope’ haven’t you?

If you’re so disaster prone that you’re blighted by the spontaneous combustion of cricket equipment, you’re probably not going to be the strongest side in any competition, except maybe one that revolves around pyromania.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. Do you ever write blogs about what an arse Kevin Pietersen is?

    If not, why not?

    Any links? thanks.


  2. Just what I was after thanks!

    You don’t 100% hate him?

    You are a better person than me…

    What on earth does he have going in his favour?

  3. But I heard he was playing like a right fraggle and was pretty useless these days.

    And doesn’t he get paid loads for not actually playing?

    And doesn’t he say things like ‘Kevin Pietersen needs to refocus blah blah blah’?

    And isn’t he just an arse?

    Sorry if Ihave been mislead. I am new to cricket!


  4. If the strip were truly a flaming helmet and the top tucked rakishly into stonewashed jeans I’d wager that’d bring some much needed team focus.

  5. Allow me to explain, Sinn. There are some players who are respected because of the number of runs / wickets they get. These are universally boring (see Ian Bell). Then there are some players who are loathed. Then there are some players who are loved.

    (Note that in these last two groups, the number of runs / wickets is entirely irrelevant.)

    So, for example, Matthew Hayden and Rob Key.

    KP falls into both of the latter categories, depending on who you are. The controversies surrounding his initial selection, his hair, his tattoo, his southern accent, his selection as captain, his captaincy, his loss of the captaincy, his 94, his girlfriend, his test average of better-than-every-other-england-player-for-forty-years, and the massive furore surrounding his promotion of the Citizen EcoDrive, have all combined to polarise opinions.

    Thus you are equally likely to hear either of the following:

    “Five double-hundreds against the Aussies in one series? Pah, I still wouldn’t pick him, because of his… haircut.”

    “No runs in the summer due to having been arrested for hiding Mexican pigs in primary schools and old folks’ homes? Good on him – this is exactly the sort of cultural shake up that English cricket needs.”

    What you won’t hear is anything in between.

  6. Dear Bert,

    What a wonderful response! Many thanks for your time and trouble.

    Can I ask which camp you fall into? After considering all the relevant information I still fall into the arse camp. So to speak.


  7. The most recent time he got out trying to hit a 6 to reach his hundred in flamboyant style rather than going on to make the big hundred that the team needed (there have been two such occasions within the last year).

  8. Friendly? Yeh, until you accidentally mention cricket in a match report – then watch the pack turn on you.

    I’m more of a neutral where KP is concerned, although I do like what he’s done with his hair. Also, you’ve got to like a man who has an England tattoo done. Shows respect, it does.

    Work it a little (oh yeah)
    Get hot just a little
    Meet in the middle
    Let go, just a little bit more (just a little bit)

    Sorry, just singing my favourite ever song ever.

    Gotta go, according to my EcoDrive it’s a quarter past March.

  9. You’ll want to steer clear of improper apostrophe usage as well.

    They string you up for that, the pack of bastards.

  10. By the way, Sinn, just a quick warning in case you make the ultimate mistake. Whatever you do, for whatever reason, under absolutely no circumstances, never, ever, ever, mention… oh my god! I’m too late! Run! RUN!

  11. Sinn

    this is an English blog
    it is run by Poms,

    they hate everyone they are jealous of ie. foreigners, esp. Australians and rich, handsome, anyone else

    they love (or have a deep abiding affection for) cats, and everyone who plays for England. Even KP.

    They are not friendly. They are only pretending to be. They’re English

    It’s a s simple as that

  12. Sinn, you’re new, so you get one strike re mentions of football, and that was it. Now you need to mention cats 12 times to neutralise the football error.

  13. Right now I feel KP’s hair is just crap – but I do like that big tattoo he has – so I’m in the ‘like KP’ camp f’now!

    What are the chances that KP will ever get a tattoo of a cat?

  14. You misunderstand.

    I hate Football!

    I like the English too, apart from the rasict ones but I haven’t met too many of them.


  15. Well, “Steve” (ridiculous name, by the way), judging by your use of the word “poms”, you must be a New Zealand West Islander. Just to set you straight, we don’t hate Australians because we are jealous – we hate them because they are (were) successful. I know that this might seem to be the same thing, but it isn’t. If the England team were ever to become as successful as the Aussies, we’d hate them as well.

    Seventy-odd words in that last paragraph, but my favourite by miles is the one in the second set of brackets.

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