Positive thinking is for people who enjoy popular television and the company of other people

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We all know that life is essentially just one long series of downers. You get the occasional event that gives rise to a small degree of optimism, but these are only there to discourage you from ending it all, thus ensuring that you can experience even more of the bad times.

With that in mind, does anyone think that England are going to get battered this week?


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Yes, over in 3 days and you can quote me on this when Onions keeps out the final over and they scrape the series.

  2. I’m going to assume we can still lose the series, then I’ll be very, very happy when we end up drawing it.

  3. These comments probably tell you all you need to know about the mindset of England cricket supporters.

  4. England will win the toss and bat. Strauss and Cook will put on a breezy 135 (before lunch), adding only seven more before both getting out. KP will get 7, but Trott and Collingwood will add 185 for the fourth wicket. Bell will complete his rehabilitation with a run-a-ball century, Prior will get 50 in 35 balls, and the others will add bits and pieces, taking the score to over 500. Anderson will then get a wicket in the first over, Smith and Kallis will steady the ship to about 50/1, then boom, SA will collapse to 148 all out. Following on, and with no chance of victory, their mental state will fracture, they’ll collapse again, and England win by an innings and two hundred and twelve runs. With hindsight, many commentators will see the calculated destruction of South Africa on this tour as the start of what eventually will become thirty years of English dominance of world cricket. Stuart Broad will score over 15,000 runs and become the first man to take 1,000 test wickets. Australians will start to say that Glenn McGrath bowled “in the James Anderson mould”. The England cricket captain will win BBC Sports Personality every other year (sharing the award with Phil “The Power” Taylor); the Premier League will go bust; I will be appointed to the selection committee, alongside Spiderman and Reg Varney from On The Bu… , oh bugger.

  5. Always the presence of Spider-man that gives the game away that it’s just a dream.

    Last night we were in the Flea and Hand Shandy and we got in a bit of a heated exchange with one of the regulars about the etymology of the word ‘helicopter’. He refused to accept that it was a blend of the Greek words ‘heliko’ and ‘pteron’ so we went at him with a bottle.

    After a brief scuffle, Spider-man separated us and diffused the situation by pointing out that ‘heliko’ gave rise to other words, such as ‘helix’ while ‘pter’ features in words such as ‘pterosaur’. Being as Terry is an expert in dinosaur DNA, he accepted Spider-man’s argument and we shook hands.

    The presence of Spider-man tells us that this was a dream, so when we head down the pub for some etymological debate tonight, we’re going to go ‘heavy’.

  6. I believe South Africa is due a week of heavy snow, they’ll have to grit the pitch so the umpires can go out into the middle to call the match off.

  7. I’ve never had that Spiderman experience in the midst of my weird dreams.

    Just weird dreams “sans Spiderman”, as it were.

    Is there something wrong with me?

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