Alastair Cook: future England captain

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Alastair Cook - officer class

We appreciate England’s desire to identify the next England captain in advance, but why has Alastair Cook been chosen?

Warning: this article may contain some petty, bigoted views about certain strands of British society

Leadership attributes

There is no standout candidate to be the next England captain, yet England have clearly plumped for Alastair Cook. Why? Presumably he is ‘made of the right stuff’ and has a sound, tactical understanding of the game. Let’s take those in reverse order.

Tactical ability

We can’t say what goes on behind the scenes. All we can comment on is what we see. Alastair Cook presided over one Twenty20 match. It was the worst captained England side we can ever recall seeing.

Being made of ‘the right stuff’

What constitutes ‘the right stuff’? Being as his tactics are nads and his nervous manner is unlikely to inspire people, we’ll have to look elsewhere. We have concluded that ‘the right stuff’ is his social background.

To most of us, a school is a place. It is somewhere they make you go for a few years with bike sheds made of asbestos. To others, a school isn’t a place, it’s an attribute.

Why is Alastair Cook the best man to captain England?

Of course there must be more to this. In answer to the question ‘Why is Alastair Cook the best man to captain England?’ the answer is surely something more concrete than: ‘Oh, you know… it just seems like it should be him…’


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  1. I’m all in favor of a bit of testing out of squads – unfortunately we don’t seem to do it much, cos we persist with players of the ‘right stuff’. Ok we are treating Bangladesh as a testing ground, but I think it is really mean to foist Cap’n Max Factor on them, and us. Eyeliner boy needs to concentrate on his batting right now, he is pretty clueless with that as it is.

    I’d rather give Swanny a go, if only for the joke factor – could be a hoot. But he can be articulate, captaincy wont affect his game. I don’t like Swanny but I am interested too see if he can set a decent field etc, and I’m sure he would garner more respect on the field, he might even grow up!

    I know silly me! I was forgetting…the right stuff does not include personality does it. Damn – that’s where the Magnificent Key failed and failed badly. Swanny is lucky to be in the team at all!

  2. Can we start a campaign – if Eyeliner Boy’s ‘right stuff ‘ is found not to be the right ‘right stuff’ can we make sure that he never ever ever captains again, or even does anything more taxing than carrying drinks. And start the quest for some better ‘right stuff’ to select our squad and captains by?

    Should I diss him some more – or do you think I have done enough to ensure he plays a blinder now?

  3. Shoot that aristocrat!

    Swann should be made captain, because he is AWESOME. Off Spinner who tries to take (and takes) wickets, excellent lower order bat, and interesting Press Conferences. What moreis required of a captain?

  4. Cook is the best man to lead England in the absence of any real captain. He will do as told, not challenge status quo and will have no vision of his own to impose on the team. A perfect temporary captain. Almost like a ‘night watch man’

  5. Really. With you being a member of royalty, I am surprised at the bolshevik sentiments expressed here, KC. You should tread very carefully.
    If, however, this post is merely a ruse to root out filthy communists, such as gerontius, prior to having them shot, then Bravo sir!

  6. Our royalty was imposed by others not acquired by birthright.

    In truth, we’re not that happy about it, but we’re four years into our reign now and it’s too late to turn back.

  7. Much as it pained me to say it (local rivalries*), I thought Cook was a FEC when he started out. The way his career has gone on since then suggests that he’s more of a Monty than a Montgomery, thankfully.

    I could be wrong, but I’m expecting insipid field placings and bowler rotation, resulting in a fairly boring series and an unspectacular England victory.

    * As it turns out, Bedford School was found to be guilty of fixing their fees…hopefully it’s not a sign of things to come!

  8. I’m firmly in the ‘give Swanny a go’ camp – I suspect he has more tactical nous than Mascaraboy, he’d relish the job without it affecting his form, he wouldn’t play it too safe, meaning more results and less draws, and he’d also love to have complete control of the music on the team bus.

    Not sure about him as a long term solution, but – like Riverdance in the Eurovision Song Contest – he’d be a very entertaining interval.

  9. I say call up Rob Key.

    Best man for the job by a long shot.

    Although Swanny’s press conferences would be amusing if he got the job!

  10. How about taking a gamble and picking up a totally new face and making him the captain straightaway. Surely worth taking a chance if they are down to Cook now. Any exciting talent around in County Cricket who has the maturity to be the captain?

  11. It was always going to be a batsman because they don’t get dropped, ever.

    Once this had been established there is only one young batsman who has performed consistently over a period of time and isn’t or hasn’t been the captain already.

  12. Whenever I look at a picture of Cook, I am reminded of the Red Sox “Looks like Jesus, acts like Judas, throws like Mary” slogan. Cook doesn’t fit any of these, except possible the Mary part. Oh well.

  13. Maybe we should start a campaign for Bell to be made captain.

    Or maybe we shouldn’t.

    I cannot really decide either way.

  14. …and we all know what happened to the last Captain Cook – killed and eaten by natives in Hawaii.

    What would have been really funny was to have given KP the captaincy back. Maybe he would look if he could be arsed then.

  15. You mean if I have sex a lot it won’t be funny anymore? Good excuse to use.
    Friend: Why don’t you have a girlfriend?
    Me: Because I want sex to be funny

  16. You two could get together and remove a good amount of humour from the world if it gets really bad.

  17. As has been said, there is, of course, a well sorted pecking order for the Test captaincy.

    – Public school educated southern batsman
    – Any other southern batsman
    – Southern all-rounder
    – Northern batsman
    – Northern all-rounder
    – South African batsman / All rounder
    – Umpire
    – Opposition captain
    – President of French Guyana
    – A passing seagull
    – Bowler

    Surely the most sensible option is Colly anyway?

  18. I think Saj Mahmood should be captain. The responsibility will be like manure and cause him to blossom. That would an ugly fucken blossom.

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