Australian cricket somehow manages to become even more embarrassing

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And you thought something couldn’t be simultaneously depressing and hilarious. Australia have dropped four cricketers for failing to deliver a presentation. The modern world just got worse, but so did Australian cricket.

The good news for Australia is that Shane Watson didn’t injure himself attempting to operate a computer keyboard. He left the work to James Pattinson rather than take the risk.

Australia’s team of doctors and physios have instructed Pattinson to stay away from computers for the time being as they say he is in some kind of injury danger zone himself. He left the work to Usman Khawaja.

Usman Khawaja created a cracking presentation and gave it to Mitchell Johnson to deliver. Johnson then delivered it three feet to the left of where he was aiming, so no-one saw it.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. I actually had to go on Cricinfo to make sure this post wasn’t satire.

    The reasoning behind this seems pretty clear. They took players on tour who clearly can’t do the job the are paid for, so why not drop players who haven’t done the job they aren’t paid for? In a roundabout way, Australian cricket makes sense again.

  2. Everyone has to read exactly what Mickey Arthur said in the press conference. It might take time and cause your brain to hurt, but it is worth it just to get an insight into the state of Australian cricket. Here are some highlights:

    “We have given the players a huge amount of latitude to get culture and attitude right.”

    – Nice misuse of the word “latitude” here.

    “We believe that those behaviours with what we want to do with this team, how we want to take this team to be the best in the world, teams that are the best in the world have best attitudes and best behaviour patterns and a good, hard, ruthless culture.”

    “We have given these guys absolute clarity.”

    – Lovely. There is huge technical skill that goes into using the word “clarity” alongside the previous sentence (I use the word “sentence” advisedly).

    “Myself and Pup came to the conclusion that we have been so focused on winning cricket games that maybe some people have been cutting corners. Perhaps there have been some soft options taken.”

    – That focus on winning, it is a pain. They’ve been so focussed on winning that they’ve forgotten all about winning. Where did winning go in their obsession with winning? What’s required here is less focus on winning so they can focus more on what matters, which is winning.

    “I think the best thing that these three days off have given me is reflection time, to reflect on how well have I been going in my job”

    – Yep.

  3. Never mind the Aussie squad, I think KC should require all of his followers to provide three bullet points on how to improve the Aussie test squad, on pain of having their comment accounts blocked if the follower fails to deliver.

    Here are my three bullet points:

    1) Drop several players for the first “reason” that pops into your head, however petty or ludicrous that “reason” might be…

    2) …ummm…

    3) …that’s it.

    1. Although I have no intention of providing three bullet points, I do intend to meet with KC to discuss my thoughts on the day after the deadline. Whenever that is.

  4. Hilarious scenes.

    A couple of thoughts immediately come to mind:

    1) Mickey Arthur is not Australian. But he’s started talking in the cliched, jargon-filled manner of Aussie cricketers. Is this just a result of having been around them too much? Or has he been taking night classes at the Matthew Hayden School for Kids Who Don’t Speak So Good and Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too?

    2) You wouldn’t bet against them turning it round and beating England this summer.

  5. Why would anyone think that Mitchell Johnson coming up with ideas on anything is worth pursuing as a useful exercise? He did them a favour by not bothering.

    It’s worth reading some of the Aus cricket forums for a real laugh though. It’s got legs this one.

    1. Yet more nonsense from the Big Book of How To Do Talking Like Matthew Hayden by Matthew Hayden.

      “From a holistic perspective I’ve got to sit down with my family and decide which directions they are.”

      Pity the Aussie journos who have to transcribe this shite.

    2. Quit it, Sam. It’s bad enough you ruined the good name of the classic text MHSKWDSSGAWTLTDOSGT, but now you want to drag BBHTDTLMH to the mud too?

      You are clearly a man who doesn’t think holistically.

  6. This story is the gift that keeps on giving.

    Clarke: “We can’t accept mediocrity here. This is the Australian cricket team. Maybe I am biased [but] there is a big difference between this team and other cricket teams. If you play for Australia there is a lot that comes with that and standards, discipline, culture that is all a big part of what we are talking about here.”

    Apparently the players also failed to fill in regular “wellness” forms.

    What are we calling this scandal? It needs a suitable name. Feedback form-gate?

    1. Khawaja-gate has a certain ring to it. Like a one-hit wonder 80s pop-synth group.

      “Ladies and gentlemen, straight in at number 24 in this week’s hit parade, please welcome…Khawajagate!”

  7. Bert Jr has identified the flaws in his game as being 1) keeping his foppish hair out of his eyes, 2) not paying attention, and 3) too many fizzy drinks. Having thus complied entirely with the Australian team management directive, and there being literally no other batsmen in the whole of Australia capable of playing test cricket (see inclusion of Philip Hughes), he is now a shoe-in for the Aussie test team, despite not being Australian (see Fawad Ahmed). He is, however, still weighing up his future in test cricket, as he thinks they’re all way too childish.

    Why doesn’t someone just point out to Arthur, CA, Clarke et al that the reason they lost the first two tests was due to selecting a dreadful test team?

    1. I think you mean “shoo-in” Bert unless he’s already got his foot in the door.

    2. Good god, you’re right! We can’t accept mediocrity here. This is the King Cricket commenting team. Maybe I am biased [but] there is a big difference between this team and other cricket commenting teams. If you comment on King Cricket there is a lot that comes with that and standards, discipline, culture that is all a big part of what we are talking about here.

      Following modern precedents, here are the three ways I’m going to improve my performance:

      1. Always remember that cows don’t wear shoes.
      2. Never forget which type of shoe it isn’t that cows don’t wear.
      3. Run away back to Australia.

  8. There is already speculation brewing in Indian media that this is an elaborate ruse to save their key players for the Ashes. Obviously that is rubbish – they would have saved Hughes first in that case.

    1. Admittedly the term LMFAO was oblique back in the day when I invented the internet and all that.

      But I don’t think KC would consider the term oblique. It is one of the most common internet slang terms around and has even been hijacked a name for a best-selling electronic dance music combo.

      So forgive me if I LMFAO off again!!

  9. This brightened my evening after a long day of filling in pointless forms at the behest of my employer.

  10. Has anyone seen the side they’re going to have to field for the next test?

    They only have 12 players left. Who’s the lucky one who gets to carry the drinks?

    Warner, Cowan, Hughes, Clarke, Haddin, Henriques, Maxwell, Smith, Siddle, Starc, Doherty, Lyon

  11. Has anyone considered that this could be part of an elaborate plan to keep South africa at #1?

    It can’t be all that hard to convince Clarke that your opinion was his idea.

  12. 1)If Australia turn uo with only 10 fit players can they just pick anyone from the spectators who says the are Australian orare prepared to fast-track to Australian?

    2)Bert confused me about the type of shoes cattle wear at cows’ corner, I assumed it just followed on from horses wearing horses shoes

    3)Why did Sarah just says titters and run away?

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