England held up by brave tigers

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< 1 minute read

So very braveSo says the headline at the BBC. We’re so angry about the inaccuracy, we haven’t even read the article.

Put yourself into the story. You’re in the England stagecoach, pootling along the highway, when suddenly you come to a halt. What’s happening? You’re not at the MA Aziz Stadium yet.

You push the curtain aside and look out of the window. Alarmingly, you see dozens of striped, snarling cads, circling the stagecoach and preventing further progress.

How would you describe these tigers? They’ve got incisors as big as your hand and blades in their paws. About 10 per cent of them is sharp edges and the rest of them is just a mechanism with which to drive the sharp edges into your soft blancmange-like flesh.

Would you describe these tigers as ‘brave’?


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  1. How would you describe a slavering maneater, deranged with blood lust?

    We’d describe him as ‘a cad’.

  2. Now if it were the other way around: Lions held up by brave Bangladesh, I would certainly read beyond the first paragraph.

  3. As an afficionado of blood-and-feathers action, I can’t wait for the video that hopefully goes with “Swan Cuts Through Tigers Tail”.

  4. Since every team has to find an animal mascot, Indian team should be called Indian Peacocks based on India’s national bird (National animal, tiger, is already taken). Or, in case of IPL, just cocks.

  5. I am a tiger myself, having been born in the year of the tiger.

    I resent the tigerism inferred by this item.

  6. Inaccuracy – too damn right – Tigers work alone!

    Lions held up by brave Bangladesh might have been more actuate, as Lions do indeed use team work.

  7. Not England Lions. England Lions is an uneasy co-operation where all parties are competing against each other in reality.

    Do ocelots use team work?

  8. Not a lot, KC, but they see pretty well in the dark, which might =have come in handy for the climax of the Karachi test in 2002/3 (or was it 2003/4?):

    “England Ocelots bravely fight on for win in the dark”.

  9. Nah ocelots conform to the feline way of walking on their own. Same for the clouded leopard which would have been my cat of choice, followed closely by the asian [Temminick’s] golden cat [they would also have been more handy for Chittagong being found up in the nearby hill country].

    What you want is some canids – so England held up by brave dholes [asiatic wild dogs or red dogs] would fit the bill. They are almost as rare as tigers too.

    Or alternatively Bangladesh could have called for their mongooses – small but well drilled.

  10. Lions don’t live in England, so I reckon that gives us carte blanche to pick from the entire animal kingdom.

    How about The England Kangaroos, just for the laughs.

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