England unclear on whether or not Ben Stokes has been suffering ‘the wild shits’

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You’d think with all their well-paid medical staff they’d be able to distinguish between the wild shits and the common-or-garden variety, but it doesn’t seem to be the case.

Alastair Cook said:

“He’s had a 24-hour bug, he didn’t look very well yesterday apparently but he’s here now and we’ll see. He should be fine, but we have to be careful – it depends how badly he has been knocked about.”

Even from this distance, the evidence is pretty clear. There is no way in a million years that a case of the wild shits could ever be overcome in just 24 hours.

How badly has Stokes been knocked about? Not very badly at all. He’ll almost certainly be able to play the second Test.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Genuine question.

    Human waste has diagnostic value – presumably especially so in such cases.

    Is there someone in the England support staff who inspected Ben Stokes’s deposits to estimate a time until he’d be fit to play? Or did they just take his word on how queasy he was feeling?

    It’s a big support staff. So nothing would surprise me.

      1. This is one job for which ‘taking shit from nobody’ would not be a desired character trait.

  2. Not so wild, it transpires.

    Are you trying for a hat trick of fecal matters, KC, or do you intend to switch away from involuntary bowel evacuations for your next posting.

    It’s breakfast here on King Cricket – don’t touch that dial.

  3. KC, are you in Dubai? I’m at the cricket and there is a big st.georges cross up which says ‘the bob key fan club on tour’ on it.

    I can also confirm Ben stokes has just made a Pakistani defensive shot ‘happen’

    1. We are about as far from Dubai as it is culturally possible to be. Although a friend here is moving there in a month or so “for seven years”.

      Match report?

  4. “Hello there Mrs Warrican, is your Jomel playing today?”

    “Well yes, he’s going to take four wickets bowling slow left-arm on the first day of his Test debut against Sri Lanka. Why do you ask?”

  5. Another guest appearance for the Golden Robot as Misbah accelerates to his ton in the final over of the day…

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