Matt Renshaw had to retire hurt because he had the wild shits once. You may remember it because it was an instance of an international cricketer retiring hurt because he had the wild shits.
Renshaw spoke about the experience on The Final Word podcast this week. (The Final Word is run by Adam Collins and Geoff Lemon and, as they do it independently, it would be good if you could support them in some way. They have a Patreon thing where you can chip in a couple of quid. Doing that will allow them to (a) cover quirkier topics that would never be covered elsewhere, and (b) carry on doing it. Failing that, just have a listen every now and again because it’s always nice to have an audience.)
Reflecting on his experience, Renshaw said: “I let one rip out there in the middle and we were about 15 minutes away from lunch, or 20 minutes away from lunch. And then about five minutes later I’m standing there a bit more uncomfortable, sort of, ‘Is this another fart or is this something a bit more serious?’”
The following comment is the one that made us break out into an involuntary cold sweat. It’s a hard sensation to describe, but if you’ve ever suffered the wild shits (not the mild kind – the full-on shits; the kind that culminates in delirium and froth) then you know exactly what he means when he says, “And then it just started coming on very quickly.”
He doesn’t mean leakage. It’s just a sensation. You just… know.
What’s truly horrendous about Renshaw’s tale is the protracted nature of what followed – in particular the bit where he was about to run off to attend to matters when Steve Smith made him come back and speak to the umpires.
“He’s like, ‘what are you doing?’ I’m like, ‘mate, I need to go to the toilet’, and he’s like, ‘no, no, no, come back with me.'”
We know plenty’s been written about whether or not Smith is a wrong ‘un in recent times, but this, to us, is incontrovertible proof that he is.
Kudos to Renshaw though, who says he slightly regrets going off because shitting himself on the field would have been a better story, “and like there could have been a lot more sponsorship opportunities as well.”
A word too for Lemon’s timeless observation that with all the white kit, “it’s the worst possible sport to shit yourself in.”