James Bruce retires from cricket

Posted by

At the age of 28. Uninjured. We’ve been here before, haven’t we?

James Bruce is going one better than Alex frigging Loudon though. He’s moving into a career ‘in the city’. He’s got a job with ABN Amro Bank, who we’ve never heard of but instantly hate anyway.

Where we live, working ‘in the city’ merely means that you have to get the bus to your wage-slavery in the mornings, but we’re led to believe it means something entirely different in Old Etonian circles – something dull and smug.

Why can’t these people wait five seconds before leaping into the tiresome, predictable careers they were always destined for. Bruce and Loudon had jobs where they gambolled about outdoors in a perpetual summer. They’ve traded that for uncomfortable shoes and handshaking.

If that’s how smart you are, you’re not destined for much success in any career in our book – and as has been previously established, our book is The Book Of Indisputable Facts.

Hampshire’s coach, Paul Terry, didn’t go overboard when asked about Bruce either: “It’s not an exaggeration to say, in the right conditions, he has become one of the better English-born bowlers.” Steady on there, Paul. Let’s not get too carried away.

On the other hand, do we even want these half-arsed cricketers clogging up the game? As Agent Dwight Harris says in The Sopranos: “Maybe Darwin was right – nature really does weed out all the nimrods.”

19 comments

  1. As I work in ‘finance’ myself, I feel obliged to mention that cricket bloggers can indeed ‘jump in the world of investment banking’ – although I’d probably get sacked for jumping, given my lowly position (and, I hasten to add, meagre wage – just to keep those begging letters at bay).

    Anyhow, how do we know he’s not going to be a cleaner at ABN Amro – maybe, in the right conditions, he could become one of the better English-born cleaners?

  2. A.P. Webster, I would be interested to hear how a life of standing around wid-wicket all day, or sitting about a nice pavillion equips a person for life in the City.

    Perhaps scoring helps you understand corporate finance?

  3. “Sitting about in a nice pavillion” has probably provided ample opportunity for James to learn all about Credit Default Swaps, Collateralised Mortgage Obligations, and wearing bright red braces.

    With this vital knowledge, he is probably incredibly well qualified to make cups of Earl Grey (or whatever the Dutch equivalent is, seeing as ABN Amro are based in the Netherlands) in “The City”.

    Alternatively, maybe our boy has got work in a different City entirely – York? Chicester? Preston?

    By the way, Michael Vaughan has always struck me as a frustrated Investment Banker (and no, that’s not rhyming slang).

  4. I would like to get paid millions for making cups of tea in the City. In any case, I’m sure City boys wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between Earl Grey and Yorkshire Tea, so I skim the difference myself and make loads.

    Although, I imagine this is probably how almost all money is made in the financial world.

    Good luck Brucie, I hope that working 18 hour days and being shouted at by some Essex lad is better than messing about on a field in the summer sunshine.

  5. How can being called a Mesopotamian king, known as a ‘mighty hunter’, be construed as an insult? Kids these days.

  6. matt b, I swear I was just about to say that! Nimrod the mighty hunter. You took the words right out of my mouth / under my fingertips.

  7. Uncle J Rod, they’ve worn us down.

    D Charlton, that is a solid gold fact and no mistake.

    Matt B and Miriam, you’re both nimrods.

Comments are closed.