Jesse Ryder adds weight to New Zealand’s middle order

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The score was 23-3. Jesse Ryder knew what he had to do.

He started the gentle rocking motion that would propel him out of his chair and when he had enough momentum, he went for the stand. A shower of crisp crumbs indicated success. He stretched his arms up and half a crumpet that had been caught in a fold dropped to the floor. Jesse ignored it.

“Roll me to the crease, boys,” he instructed and his team mates did as he bid. Martin Guptill had been dismissed and he confided in Ryder: “They’re the ones who hid your Yorkies,” pointing at the Indians.

Sweating ever-so-slightly, Jesse took guard. He was less unnerved by the 20 over wait until lunch than he normally would be, because the Indians’ sweet-treat-hiding behaviour had woken something in him; a blazing rage that could not be extinguished.

They had hidden his Yorkie bars. They would pay.

Ross Taylor hit a hundred too, but he’s thin, so he doesn’t get his own post.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. How on earth are you going to end these posts if nobody else makes a hundred at the same time as Jesse? Or, if another fat person makes a hundred?

  2. Anyone whose name conjures the expression “you big Jesse” and looks like Mr Ryder is simply asking for this treatment.

    But my goodness he looks solid at the crease.

    I’ve done my bit now.

  3. Sorry KC but we don’t get Yorkies here….. We’re big on pies if that helps.

  4. Very true.
    Ryder scored a magnificient double hundred and adds a lot to New Zealand’s middle order.
    He is so comfortable at the crease and so easy to the eye.
    He is going to serve New Zealand well for years to come.

  5. I think he’s a Mallow Puff man.

    Another fat person will never make a hundred at the same time. There’s an unwritten international rule one fat person per team except, ironically, for the quota orientated South African side, who seem to have a target of no less than 3 fatties in the team.

  6. Any details on when the invisible hover racers are being properly released? Danny does look like he’s having so much fun in his loaner.

    Also don’t forget that lovely cuddly Matt Walker got all the credit for Essex’s Desert Cup win. Pielicious.

  7. As we’re on a Lords of Lard theme – should the Windies find themselves bereft of players on the IPL goldrush – can they bring over Dwayne Leverock for the with the touring party?

  8. They really have struggled to fill the large void left by Ridley Jacobs in the fatty quota.

  9. @ Bert: Cool photo-find. Dan Vettori might not do hakas, but clearly has other tricks up his sleeve.

  10. Give me a Keira Knightley and I’ll give you a double hundred from anyone, let alone a SOLID batsman like Jesse. What’s news really, and Jrod is on it as we speak, is that he was furious for getting out after just a double ton.

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