Jesse Ryder’s first Test hundred

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Jesse Ryder bravely fights stomach cramps, having been at the crease for eight minutes straight

New Zealand’s third wicket fell. Jesse Ryder picked up his bat, lay down on the outfield and commanded his team mates: “Roll me out there. I’ve got a job to do.”

Without having had inadequate preparation for once, Ryder was primed for action. He brushed the chocolate digestive crumbs off his whites with a doughy paw, slowly levered himself to his feet and took guard, panting and groaning slightly.

The thousands of cruel comments throughout his childhood rendered Jesse impervious to the Indians’ sledging. The thousands of custard creams he’d had in the preceding months rendered him impervious to their well directed bouncers.

Today, Jesse Ryder scored a Test match hundred. So did Daniel Vettori, but he’s thin, so he doesn’t get his own post.


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  1. There was a nice bit on the commentary as Ryder neared his hundred – Ian Smith who has clearly been at the pies himself praised him for being “solid ” and adjured us to “watch how he moves his weight”.

    And shouldn’t it be Timtams he’d been scoffing?

  2. i like it when they use the phrase ‘a big unit’
    it reminds me of kitchen fittings and fixtures, which i guess is appropriate and not exactly an environment that would be unfamiliar to him. Especially the biscuit cupboard.
    Good on him though.
    Fat people need more role models.
    Nearly put ‘roll’ models, and an inappropriate sausage roll pun, but i felt it would be childish.

  3. I adore him and his lovely on-field temperament.

    I also like the phrase “a big unit” and was going to mention it! except without holding back on the sausage roll joke.

  4. Jesse Ryder drunkenly injures himself, abuses people, and lives on a diet of Tim Tams, Toffee Pops, and Mallow Puffs, then goes out and scores a ton.

    Samit Patel warms up with a hundred on the Lions tour, then is called a porker and is “deselected”, following which England make less runs than the number of pies Patel has consumed on tour.

    I know which selection policy seems to be paying off.

  5. Not sure Samit Patel situation is comparable with the beer monster, Ryder.

    Firstly, Jesse is arguably a more talented player than Samit and secondly, whilst not exactly blessed with rich pickings, England do not have such a dearth of talent to select from. Just look at some of the guys who make up the numbers in their batting line-up outside of Taylor, McCullum & Ryder. James Franklin batting at 6 for goodness sake.

    I’m sure if the Kiwis had a few more alternatives they’d have left Ryder out for longer periods of time, but they realise they cannot afford to turn their back on him.

    Nice to see the hawk-eyed rolly-polly batsman still has a role to play in the modern athletic era.

  6. Franklin scored his second double century this season…

    And I suspect Ryder would be in the England team if he was English, regardless of the availability of Bell, Bopara, Shah, Collingwood or Mascharenas (from today’s team alone…)

    The point is that he’s outstanding and while you can drop him for bad behaviour you’re going to pick him again as soon as you think you can get away with, not when you think he’s learned his lesson.

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