What’s Damien Martyn up to these days?

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< 1 minute read

Yeah, we know Matthew Hayden’s retired again and that there’s a batch of nonsense to savour as a consequence. You can enjoy that without our having to contribute these days. Instead, we’ve got something new.

It’s Damien Martyn’s confusingly named ‘Marton Distribution’. Read their ‘about us‘ page before you go any further. Read all of it. You’ll be left with pretty much no idea what they actually do, but you’ll have a vague sense that it’s something worthy.

If the tension has been built, let us now dissipate it by telling you that Marton Distribution make mosquito repellent. Not just any mosquito repellent, however. This one is “literally light years ahead of its competition.”

In order to achieve this, “Marton Distribution has purposely formed strategic alliances with specific manufacturing organisations throughout the World.”

In other words, someone else is making it.

Mosquito repellent is worthwhile and as the bumpf repeatedly states, it does have the potential to save lives. We’ve no issue with the release of an innovative mosquito candle which produces a terrifying-sounding five metre plume that sends nearby mosquitos into a coma. What does strike us, however, is that it sounds like Marton Distribution is scrabbling round for an identity.

The ‘opportunities’ page is still under construction. We’ll keep you posted.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. That is amazing. Where do you begin? The cynical money-making out of sick Indians? The ‘months of research’ Marto has put in developing his mosquito candle? The ‘hand on chin’ picture? Or the map of the world which seems to show – erm – Souh America and nowhere else? India or Australia, Marto? Nah, go with South America lads…

  2. As an Indian myself I have often felt the need for mosquito repellent, particularly one light years ahead of the competition. Our land is plagued by masses of mosquitoes, distracting us from our usual job of admiring L. Balaji’s pace bowling.

    As a comfortable Westerner, (a king, no less!) you should be ashamed of mocking Mr. Martyn. He is clearly investing his heart, soul, money, and months of his time into helping us, out of his incredible love for India and his people.

    I would like to scold you more, but I have to go kill mosquitoes now.

  3. It’s a scam! You pay your money, and when you ask for your goods he points out that all you have to do is collect them from Barnard’s Star, as the website clearly states. The despicable recently retired Australian cricketer (and father and husband, don’t forget)!

  4. What should one do with comatose mosquitoes? Should one humanely return them to their natural habitat? Or should one take pleasure in splatting defenceless, indeed unconscious, mosquitoes?

    Further, surely it is possible for a pesky skeeter cunningly to avoid the five metre plume and bite someone? It sounds scary, the five metre plume, but I doubt if it is comprehensive in all circumstances.

    In what way is this candle different from any other candle anywhere in the world? Literally light years ahead is, by definition, not in this world – I see a conflict between those two statements and cannot reconcile them.

    So many questions. So little time. And such an important topic – these are peoples lives we’re talking about here.

  5. The thing that bothers me most about this whole thing is the use of “light years”. I wish Damien Martyn would understand it is a measure of distance, not time. So when you say you are “light years ahead of your competition”, all you mean is you are spatially separated from them by a few trillion kilometers, so you are clearly not located on earth. And if you don’t provide free shipping, your business is bound to be dead very soon.

    1. Oh yeh – Ged said that, didn’t he. Yes, isn’t Ged great for saying that, that thing about light years that he, Ged, said. You can see it right there, right in the middle of what Ged so superbly said, and all you have to do is read what Ged said to find it. Well done Ged, for making a comment that people read at least.

      I’m not bitter.

    2. Now now Bert, it’s not me you should be upset with, really. Given I was strictly following the internet rule of “glance at article, express sarcasm/outrage, read comments above/below yours”, I clearly cannot be blamed. Your citation complaints should be directed at Ged.

      I suggest the three of us forget these issues, hold hands, and call KC a whore.

  6. According to the PowerPoint presentation, SureDuz is 85% effective. There is no indication of what that means, but it sounds impressive.

    Mr Martyn does appear to be a busy man, what with his Australian Real Estate Investment Opportunites [sic] and iMarto (The Official App for Damien Martin (Australia)). I almost wish I owned an iThingy so I could download it.

  7. Don’t know if anyone else saw the iMarto app…the official app of damien martyn?! What could that possibly do?

  8. Was Marton Distribution a preexisting company that decided it needed a “celebrity” to endorse their product? Did they then decide on Damien Martyn because he sort of had a similar name? Or did they decide they wanted a cricketer because all Indians like cricket and Martyn was the only one who returned their calls?

    Or if I was less cynical perhaps Martyn actually does want to help people.

    1. We presumed Martyn was illiterate and couldn’t spell his own name, but your explanation seems more likely.

    2. We like that it’s the official app. They thought they’d make that clear, but wouldn’t go to the trouble of checking how to spell the name.

      Marton, Martin. He doesn’t even spell it wrong consistently. He’s like Shakespeare.

    3. It is important that it makes it clear that it is the official app, so that we don’t confuse it with the plague of unofficial apps being knocked off by sad Australian golden age groupies. John Howard knocks them out by the dozen from his back bedroom.

  9. “Approximately 15 minutes after it has been lit, a 5-metre plume will surround the candle and will immediately incapacitate by way of coma any unwanted mosquitoes entering the plume”

    This blows me away! All you commentators are being cynical… tell me ANY other candle that has the awesomeness to differentiate between “wanted” & “unwanted” mosquitos.

    It’s like the caste system… but for mozzies :p

    I can see Marto/iMarto getting the Nobel prize for this!

    p.s. assuming that Marton = Marto + Ton?

  10. or is Marto what happens when a martian has marital affairs with Martyn?

    I’m so confused?!?!?

    this must be how those poor mosquitos must be feeling when they get smacked by Marto’s effluence.

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