Australia

What did Matthew Hayden call Damien Martyn?

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< 1 minute read

Apparently Jimmy Anderson once hit Michael Clarke in the head with a pad because Clarke was being a knobhead. It’s a slightly disappointing story overall, but made faintly interesting by the subplots revolving around Damien Martyn.

Apparently, Jimmy was sitting in the changing rooms and Michael Clarke was giving off some sort of ill-defined arrogant vibe. Anderson told Martyn that he wanted to wrap a pad round the back of his head. Martyn told him to do it.

“I looked at him again as if to ask: ‘Are you sure?’

“‘Do it!’ he repeated.

“As I’d had a couple of beers, I didn’t need a second invitation.”

That sounds rather like he did need a second invitation to us, but whatever. Jimmy applied pad to head; people swore; nothing much happened.

However, clearly feeling like he was playing a blinder, it seems Damien Martyn later managed to get himself in some sort of argument with Matthew Hayden.

This seems fair enough to us, except for the fact that Hayden delivered the most outlandish insult we’ve ever heard – he called Martyn “the biggest wanker on the planet”.

Now, we could sort of forgive the error if someone else had said the same thing. But if you yourself are the biggest wanker on the planet, you KNOW the inaccuracy of what you are saying.

The gall of the man.

DON'T BE LIKE GATT!

Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.

Coincidence?

Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?

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17 comments

  1. You had an article here a few weeks ago where we all laughed at the bizarrely-faced Martyn for being some sort of business type. I’d like to be the first to retract all comments I might have made at the time, comments that might have not been clear enough in expressing my view that Damien Martyn is the greatest Australian alive.

    He said something to Hayden that made Hayden get angry. I don’t know what it was, but for the sake of argument let’s assume that he called him a barrel-chested oaf who was incapable of batting against anything other than powder-puff bowling on flat tracks. If you think about it, it must have been something like that. So well done Damien for your brilliant work. And I hope that you kill lots of mosquitoes as well.

    1. We would also like to take this opportunity to apologise for earlier mickey-taking and go on record affirming our belief that Damien Martyn is the greatest living Australian for the reasons given above.

    2. After reading that article, I can’t help but read Damien Martyn’s lines in the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

      Which also, come to think of it, makes me like Martyn more. I think I might go and search for the transcripts of some interviews with him so I can explore this idea further.

    4. ” we all laughed at the bizarrely-faced Martyn for being some sort of business type. I’d like to be the first to retract all comments I might have made at the time, comments that might have not been clear enough in expressing my view that Damien Martyn is the greatest Australian alive”

      I too would like to prostrate myself and apologise profusely for laughing Martons plume of mozzie destroying smoke. I feel so ashamed of myself.

      Marton for prime minister. Even King of the universe, when that position comes up for voting. He can whack as many

      I reckon he might have whistled the song Jesus Christ Superstar around Hayden’s way. Or made a bible basher comment. That wouldve been grounds for Hayden to call him a wanker. pot – kettle – black

  2. The article calls Martyn a “lone wolf”. This makes him a wolf who hunts down mosquitoes.

    This business is getting dirtier and dirtier.

    4. maybe Martyn had the same upbringing as Remus & Romulus (a wolf as a step-parent)?

      or perhaps it’s an aphorism by the author of the article; homo homini lupus est
      (man preys upon man)

  3. Were Anderson and Clarke on separate teams but in the same dressing room when this incident happened? Was it during a post-ashes dressing room booze up?

  4. This seems like most uncharacteristic behaviour from Jimmy, but such alterations in personality are presumably a side-effect of standing within range of Martyn’s five-metre plume.

  5. As if hitting somebody on the head for whistling to himself wasn’t silly enough, doing so at Martyn’s behest makes Jimmy seem like a colossal ass.

    What I don’t get is why Jimmy is so proud of it. Especially when he could have instead hit Hayden on the head with a pad and immortalized himself as a true hero.

  6. After being the biggest wanker on the planet for a number of years, Matty Hayden abdicated the throne to give a chance to lesser wankers. He chose Martyn as his successor.

    1. you get my nomination for biggest wanker to steal oxegyn off people much more deserving then you. Hayden is a legend. you are a pounce. trying to be funny but failing dismally. stick to doing something more fitting to the abilities of a person of your intellect like using your face to test the ph levels of battery acid.

  8. *Haydos is the King*

    Only an English batsmen would sport a ‘skunk’ faux mohawk and bear a name like ‘Kevin’

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