Extras

Laurence Elderbrook confronts a new challenge

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Previous instalment from Laurence Elderbrook

Life as a cricketer errant continues to be wearying, but it is the path I have chosen and a path I will continue to walk. This week my squire, Darron-with-an-O, must have asked at more than a dozen clubs whether any team required a dashing opening batsman to make up the numbers before he found a taker.

I exit my motorcar and stride into the clubhouse. Resplendent in my cream flannels, I look immaculate. Darron points me in the direction of the captain and I shake him firmly by the hand. He seems pleased to have been gifted an eleventh player and thanks me for offering to help out. Sadly, the pleasantries end there, for he also informs me that my new team will be fielding first.

I take the only option available to me. I let fly a huge bestial roar and march back to the motorcar. When Darron appears, I instruct him to return inside to claim some of the victuals prepared for the lunch break.

As I make the most of this sustenance, Darron asks me whether I will be returning to the ground when it is our turn to bat. I give him a withering look and start the motorcar.

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DON'T BE LIKE GATT!

Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.

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16 comments

  1. Frankly, this episode is quite ridiculous. Did that rotten tosser of a captain not know who Laurence Elderbrook is?

    I am aware that you, KC, don’t do requests and heaven knows Laurence doesn’t do requests either, but a little more information about the specific victuals involved would add so much colour to these pieces.

    A very teasing word, victuals, when left out there on its own.

    1. I second Ged’s request. I would like to know whether Laurence is Gedesque in the matter of victuals or if he eats like a commoner.

      1. Sounds like he’s a hostage to what’s already been prepared really. Not like he puts an order in.

  2. Why was Laurence stooping so low as to drive the car himself? In my mind Darron with an “o” would take care of such a menial task.

  3. Laurence’s ‘Bestial roar’ is an an anagram of ‘arborist lea’ which suggests he might only be capable of wooden strokes on an agricultural field.

    1. And Bristol Area. Maybe the next club to be graced with his talent will be Gloucestershire.

      2. I know he doesn’t do requests, but I’d expect Laurence to fit in well if he ever plied his trade in Scotland. One of the more established clubs here in Glasgow that once boasted a golf-club-wielding, Zimbabwe-born Kiwi folk legend of tremendous stature would gladly accept his talents at the top of the order, and wouldn’t let them go to waste idling in the field.

      3. Rats. Just tried to source some Big Man statistics but Cricket Archive now appears to be subscription-only. Five-jeffing-quid a month? FIFTY-JEFFING-QUID A YEAR?!!! Shove your stats up your arse!

      4. Statsguru remains free.

        Fiver a month or fiver a year? You seem… uncertain.

      5. You appear to have taken a Diane-Abbott-esque slant on my post, King. I’m pretty sure I’m 1047% unconfused on this matter.

      6. Just too tired to see the difference between FIVE and FIFTY in upper case.

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