Andrew Symonds – reality TV star

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Andrew Symonds: he’s just a hard-drinkin’, fishin’, pig-wrestlin’ Aussie who’s only happy doin’ outdoors things in the bush. He loved cricket, but life in the public eye was too much for him. The intense glare of the media made him crack.

Thankfully, all that’s behind him now and he can concentrate on his first love, which is appearing in reality TV programmes where the premise is that contestants are subjected to complete 24-hour scrutiny. Symonds is to be one of the contestants on Bigg Boss, the Indian version of Big Brother.

And how’s this for a quote?

“I am hoping to have a lot of fun inside the house and learn more about the Indian culture that I find very fascinating. I am also looking at this as an opportunity to showcase the Australian culture, which involves fun-filled activities like barbecues, throwing people into the pool and being completely at peace.”

Do any Australians out there have anything to add to that summary of the nation’s culture, or has Symonds pretty much summed it up?


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  1. “Being completely at peace” is of course, the aspiration of every young Aussie, which is why two-thirds of the population under 25 spend so much time meditatively smoking dope in ashrams during Schoolies Week, and going on pilgrimages to famous Bali nightspots, such as Kerobokan Prison, where they get about 20 years in order to fully showcase Australian culture to the violently needy Indonesians.

    I’d like you to reference that quote, KC, just to prove you didn’t make it up.

  2. “… barbecues, throwing people into the pool and being completely at peace.”

    Simultaneously or sequentially ?

  3. The worst bit is “fun-filled”. The only people who ever use this phrase are youth club organisers trying to get a group of teenagers to believe that table tennis and macrame are more interesting than robbery. It is as good an indicator as you can have that the thing being described is dull as dishwater, and distinctly not filled with fun.

    1. Do I detect a hint of bitterness there, Bert? Do you wish you’d opted for robbery and not been let down by the empty promise of “fun-filled” macramé evenings?

    2. I’d love to take credit for the accent but my computer appended it automatically, Jimmy. A disappointing admission, I surmise, but rather appropriate in the circumstances.

    3. Sometimes I wish that I had chosen the macramé, Sarah. But no, not the quiet life of bourgeois youth for me. I walked a different path; I sought the fire in my veins, the burning, the fear, the exhilaration, the release… and yet, always the understanding that once it was over it could only begin again. And now, looking back, it is easy to ask the questions, the same questions they asked of me back then. Why, why choose this path? Why go through it all, the pain, the anguish? For what? And truthfully – I don’t know. Despite it all, I was happy. I cannot explain this, but I know it to be true.

      Except when Ian Salisbury was picked for the twelfth time, I wasn’t happy then, as I think I made clear in my letter to the selectors at the time.

  4. Australians love getting drunk and telling everyone outside of Australia how much everyone outside of Australia loves them, even with compelling evidence that this is not the case.

  5. There’s this random blog that’s gone all cricket today. Worth a look. No idea who puts it together.

    Shit. I sound like Hayley from the Barmy Army. I do still miss her. I know we’ve been over this but I can’t let it go.

  6. Does anyone else suspect that Australia derives its culture from Monty Python’s Bavarian restaurant sketch?

  7. At least he was not referred to as a character, as in “you’ll love him – he’s a real character.” That pretty much guarantees I don’t want to be in the same room. Probably plays practical jokes, too.

  8. I tried to Venn the three characteristics, but found that “Australians” landed at the intersection of barbecues and pool-throwing, not the intersection of all three.

    At the intersection of all three characteristics came “Australian Buddhists”, a very much smaller set.

    For the completists amongst you (you all know who you are), the intersection of barbecues and being completely at piece comprises “Sedated Australians”, while the intersection of pool-throwing and being completely at piece contains “Australian Jains”, a very small set indeed.

    As always, delighted to help.

    1. Surely that makes Australian Buddhists a subset of Australian Jains. I’m not trying to be picky, or suggest that you don’t understand your own diagrams, or that you are deeply confused about Eastern religions, or that “pool-throwing” implies the throwing OF pools, not the throwing of things INTO pools, or that you don’t know how to spell “peace”, but WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.


      Otherwise, excellent work, full marks. Nice euphamistic use of “sedated” to describe an Australian at a barbecue.

  9. Bert, Jains don’t eat meat, so the subsets “barbecues” and “Australian Jains” are non-intersecting. Unless there is another set of “sacrilegious Australian Jains”.

    On the spelling issue, let he who can spell “euphemistic” cast the first stone.

  10. Australian Jains may barbeque cottage cheese or they may throw it into a pool, making them the center of everything.

  11. What a strange set of topics to get both vexed and mistaken about, Bert.

    In other respects, are you feeling all right in yourself?

    Many of us feel a bit strange at this crazy time of year. I had a lie down for a few minutes this afternoon.

    1. this is a horrid time of year. the lights. the music. the forced bonhomie. I’ve got a headache already and it’s only December 8.

    2. Christmas is a grumpy time of year, Ged. As is Easter. The period between the two isn’t good either. Neither is the other period between the two. Apart from that it’s fine.


  12. String – I had a pint of ‘Santa’s Wobble’ the other day. It made me vomit. Merry Christmas.

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