Andrew Symonds: he’s just a hard-drinkin’, fishin’, pig-wrestlin’ Aussie who’s only happy doin’ outdoors things in the bush. He loved cricket, but life in the public eye was too much for him. The intense glare of the media made him crack.
Thankfully, all that’s behind him now and he can concentrate on his first love, which is appearing in reality TV programmes where the premise is that contestants are subjected to complete 24-hour scrutiny. Symonds is to be one of the contestants on Bigg Boss, the Indian version of Big Brother.
And how’s this for a quote?
“I am hoping to have a lot of fun inside the house and learn more about the Indian culture that I find very fascinating. I am also looking at this as an opportunity to showcase the Australian culture, which involves fun-filled activities like barbecues, throwing people into the pool and being completely at peace.”
Do any Australians out there have anything to add to that summary of the nation’s culture, or has Symonds pretty much summed it up?
Watson thought the changing room stank and lit a scented candle. Andrew Symonds gave him shit for it.
Andrew Symonds comes out of this well; Shane Watson less so.
This tale comes from Matthew Hayden’s autobiography.
We hope we get a review copy. Buying Matthew Hayden’s autobiography would effectively mean giving him money and that would amount to tacit approval of the man.
We have a bit.
It’s not so much that we don’t really care about any of the teams – you can get over that. It’s more the feeling that none of the matches actually matters yet.
They’re still going to be playing in a few weeks’ time and maybe then the table might have started to take shape and there’ll be some context, but at the minute it feels like we can just ignore the IPL for a while and then return for the important bit.
Even Andrew Symonds thinks there might be a bit too much cricket when the two new teams have joined as well – and he doesn’t even do anything else with his life other than mooch about in flip-flops and sit on his fat, saggy arse watching Aussie Rules in the pub:
“Lalit needs a band of merry men who are going to put their heads together and ensure they get it right. He obviously wants the IPL to be the best and the most special thing in cricket. But to get that you have to look after your cattle, you can’t just keep driving and whipping them.”
We like that he calls himself a cow. He is kind of bovine-looking. Think it’s the neck.
If you don’t know who Andrew McDonald is, imagine a side’s seventh batsman and their fifth bowler. Now imagine he bowls medium-pace. Now wake up again.
If it weren’t for having hair that’s such a bright shade of red that it clashes with life itself, Andrew ‘Ronald’ McDonald wouldn’t be eyecatching in the slightest.
We’d have thought that natural selection would have taken care of Australians with gingeriness of this magnitude. That hole in the ozone layer can’t be kind to a strikingly red man who works outdoors for a living.
Australia have selected McDonald for the Ashes instead of Andrew Symonds. Symonds always comes across as something of a turd, but there have been many Australian cricketers whose turdiness hasn’t affected the quality of their cricket.
It’s difficult to escape the feeling that Andrew Symonds is being punished by Cricket Australia for just generally being a bit of a pillock. Symonds isn’t being selected for Australia’s upcoming tour of South Africa.
It’s partly because he went on radio half-cut and called New Zealand’s Brendon McCullum ‘a piece of shit’, but mostly it’s just because – you know – he’s a prize tool.
There are two parts of Symonds’ brain that are quite well developed. The first part is known as Kelley’s Cornet and it’s responsible for coming up with stupid things to say and do.
The second part is called Doohan’s Tuba and this is the part of the brain that says: ‘What I just thought of is a good idea – in fact, a very good idea. There is, quite simply, NO WAY that this is a bad idea. I will literally not even acknowledge the mere possibility that what I just thought could ever be anything other than the best idea ever.’
At which point he hauls an old woman off a seat on the bus and calls her a hooker.
He was in ‘an altercation’ with some guy in a pub. Apparently the other guy, an official in the Aussie armed forces, asked for a picture with Symonds and when the hulking all-rounder said no, threw a couple of punches at him.
That’s not the shocking part though. If truth be told, it sounds like Symonds is a target for bell-ends and didn’t really do too much wrong by his standards. The shocking part comes in a quote from a manager of the pub where he was drinking. Note ‘a manager’, not ‘the manager’. How many Australians does it take to manage a pub?
Anyway, this manager said: “I had a beer with Andrew. He was on the light beers.”
From what we’ve learnt, Australian light beers can be as little as 2.7%. You know what that is?
Andrew Symonds said:
“I did something silly with him one night and I suppose I was a bit disrespectful to him.”
What does that sound like to you? It sounds like it could only be one thing to us. What act is both silly and disrespectful? Ask yourself that.
It is abundantly clear to us that Andrew Symonds gave Michael Clarke a wedgie.
Ever since he was sent home from Australia’s one-day series against Bangladesh, speculation has been rife about Andrew Symonds. Specifically, that speculation has centred on exactly what kind of aquatic creature molested him as a child.
Some say it was a turbot, some say a merman. Taken as a whole, the evidence seems to point towards it being an in-season dugong or manatee.
In the past week, Symonds has shrugged off this lifelong scar and has now declared himself ready for Test cricket again.
We’ve written something for The Wisden Cricketer where we actually end by saying that we hope Symonds DOES return to the Test side. Honestly.
We’ve long suspected Andrew Symonds of being a five-year-old trapped in the body of a hirsute cow. That opinion is being reinforced of late.
From The Australian:
“Stung $3000 for missing the team bus, he became what one person described as “the rule Nazi” and would ensure he was on the team bus five minutes before it was due to leave.
“At the exact time of departure, Symonds’ watch would beep and he would announce that the doors had to close and the bus had to leave and anybody left behind could walk or be fined because that was the way he was treated.”
We also learnt from that article that Symonds has an irritating habit when in bars. He regularly squares up to people for one, but it’s not that. He’s known to announce that certain areas are for ‘Test players only’.
Andrew Symonds has been sent home from Australia’s one-day series against Bangladesh IN DISGRACE after missing a team meeting because he was out fishing.
It’s a fairly minor misdemeanor in itself, but it seems there were other incidents which led the Australian hierarchy to question Symonds’ attitude.
Unconfirmed rumours emanating from the Australian camp indicate that Symonds had stopped brewing up. One senior Australian cricketer quite possibly said:
“Ever since he got that huge IPL contract, he’s been a complete bell-end. He thinks he’s too good to brew up – like putting the kettle on’s beneath him. He says: ‘No, I’m not making the tea, I did it last week – but tea two sugars if you’re offering’. He’s just got a bad attitude.”
Another team mate described Symonds as ‘a total rod’.