Symonds: Pick me – I’m not a knob now

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Lairy marlin just out of shotEver since he was sent home from Australia’s one-day series against Bangladesh, speculation has been rife about Andrew Symonds. Specifically, that speculation has centred on exactly what kind of aquatic creature molested him as a child.

Some say it was a turbot, some say a merman. Taken as a whole, the evidence seems to point towards it being an in-season dugong or manatee.

In the past week, Symonds has shrugged off this lifelong scar and has now declared himself ready for Test cricket again.

We’ve written something for The Wisden Cricketer where we actually end by saying that we hope Symonds DOES return to the Test side. Honestly.


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  1. I saw that and sniggered at the “villain” bit at the end – but did not dare comment in such an august organ

  2. You can just see him calling a press conference to apologise for his ridiculous behaviour and blame it all on being raped by a sea cow at a young and tender age!

    There would be some brilliant headlines the day after that confession though!

  3. It brings a tear to my eye KC, to see the truth finally published.

    I just hope we don’t all end up in court, being charged with slander and cross examined by an angry cod.

    I hope he does play in the ashes, the chance of him doing something mental will greatly improve the atmosphere.

  4. I wrote ‘with’ instead of ‘will’ in the last sentence. I feel foolish as there is no edit feature.

  5. We quite often correct errors like that when they’re pointed out.

    Fiendishly, we always leave the subsequent comment intact though, thus rendering the correction pointless.

  6. Rubbish!!! It was a platypus, of course. Being in Australia, what else could it be? I’m ruling out those insanely big crocodiles they have down there, because they wouldn’t leave anything left. It was a platypus. Clearly, Symonds has no friends in the order monotremata. Actually, this is also clear for any other order, now that I think of it. How convinient!

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