England v Pakistan at the Rose Bowl – match report

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We told Sam that we would ‘get this one up before the Ashes at the very latest’.

Sam writes:

I finish work early on Wednesdays, so I dashed home in order to catch the remainder of the final one-day international between England and Pakistan.

Being far too brassic to afford proper, actual Sky Sports, a friend had directed me towards an internet link to stream the match.

This may or may not be legal, but I figured cricket is above the law.

After about an hour of playing around trying to get the streaming to work, I settled down with a cup of tea and three chocolate digestive biscuits.

The sound on the screen was out of synch with the picture, so as Shahid Afridi bowled, I heard the crunch of leather on willow that told me Collingwood had punched it away for one.

Then the picture rolled on and I felt a huge sense of prescience as the ginger ninja did indeed nudge the ball to leg for a long single.

This imbalance seemed to eradicate itself during the second innings, but my girlfriend insisted on listening to the radio commentary through headphones because she couldn’t follow the sky commentary.

I didn’t blame her. Ian Botham went a whole over of being silent before simply mumbling ‘Morgan’, ‘245-5’ and then ‘we’ll take a break’.

Meanwhile, my better half was laughing along to Aggers and Vic Marks discussing the finer points of Luke Wright’s impending wedding.

The radio commentary was ahead of the streaming this time, so every time there was a wicket, I heard a cheer from beside me on the couch, followed 10 seconds later by Graeme Swann fizzing another one through the Pakistan defences.

She began to feel smug, like she was some sort of cricketing soothsayer.

It was weird.

I’m thinking about investing in Sky Sports in time for the Ashes.

Donations kindly accepted.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


Why risk it when it's so easy to sign up?


  1. “…as Shahid Afridi bowled” – Cricket
    “…Collingwood had punched it away for one” – Cricket
    “…nudge the ball to leg for a long single” – Cricket
    “…Morgan, 245-5’” – Cricket
    “…Swann fizzing another one through the Pakistan defences” – Cricket

    You’d better get this taken down, Sam, before Charlton comes along with his Bumper Bag of Discards. Honestly, I’ve been flayed for much less.

  2. in my defence it was an edict from the king himself that said there should be more cricket in the match reports.

    so there.

  3. Let’s not go mental. ‘More cricket’ is a bit strong. ‘Some tangential link’ is probably closer.

    No reports about going shopping while there’s a match on unless you were in some way interested in the match. That’s the gist.

  4. They’re just bitter cause their match reports are still stuck in the queue.

    Who’s the real criminal here, eh? Eh? Eh?


  5. I discard you all.

    And i wrote a much better comment than this before my computer bust and I had to mend it.

    Not sure about KC’s ‘more cricket’ policy. I smell revolution. He so doesn’t get his own joke.

  6. See Sam, I told you. And by your selfish actions you’ve brought down a full discardation on all of us. Well done, I hope you’re proud of yourself.

    With regard to KC’s contradictory instructions, I think you need to mention “cricket” without mentioning “actual cricket”. So for example, when you discussed the sound being out of synch on your telly, rather than illustrating this point with Afridi and Collingwood, you could have said that you heard the pointless and inane drivel before you saw Charles Colvile.

    Good report, though, cricket aside.

  7. Bert’s got it.

    Going to the cinema while there’s as a match on – WRONG

    Going to the cinema cause a match you were attending was rained off – RIGHT

    Being at Newlands and telling us how Dale Steyn bowled – WRONG

    Being at Newlands and telling us the best brand of biltong – RIGHT

  8. The question that no-one has asked – Did you get Sky for the Ashes, or are you still using the dodgy internet site?

  9. Apropos of your bitterness, Dan, don’t you think it would have helped more if you’d done this joke on your own match report rather than Sam’s?

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