It’s your birthday tomorrow and it’s Christmas tomorrow AND that girl off that television advert that you’ve got a thing for has got something planned for you too

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< 1 minute read

Maybe you’re feigning indifference. Maybe you think you’re above it all. Maybe you genuinely don’t care. It matters not a jot. We are going to RAIN CAPITAL LETTERS DOWN UPON YOU in the build-up to the greatest post of all time.

It is being published TOMORROW at midday to mark the occasion of Rob Key playing for England in the World Cup. Or at least to mark the occasion of England playing in the World Cup and having Rob Key in their squad, which is pretty much the way it’s looking at the moment.

It doesn’t matter that Rob’s been batting like a world-class tail-ender this season. We’ve been waiting for this for three bloody years and we’re not letting widespread public indifference, a small amount of hatred and Rob’s apparent nonselection put us off. Rob Key is having this special day marked by the greatest update in internet history and that’s that.

Tomorrow. Brace yourselves.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. This had better be as good as you say. You’ve almost turned me into a Rob Key fan.

    I’m off to read about the misadventures of Symonds to keep me entertained until the big day arrives.

  2. Howe can Samit Patel be too fat to play for England but Rob Key deemed skinny enough?

  3. It’s not fatness for purpose, it’s fitness for purpose. Bleep tests, in essence. Rob has his own internal bleep generator and personal wormhole, which allows him to pass such tests in style. Samit clearly has not yet developed such technology, requiring him to run between stations. QUED.

  4. I’ll be in a meeting at 12 noon tomorrow. Why does God hate me so much??

    The update, I predict it’ll be: a video of Rob Key acting out the Dramatic Hamster clip, then dressing up as a human transformer, then having a conversation with some talking cats, finishing with him singing to a webcam the “numa numa ye” song to the words “i’m rob KEEEY, i’m rob KEEEY, I’m rob KEEEY, I’m rob KEEY-HEEEEE”.

  5. Don’t worry Miriam, we’re almost certain the server will go down at 11.58am. We’ve used computers for years. We know they’re spiteful bastards.

  6. I have a man coming to install my new computer at 9:30 this morning.

    What are my chances of being up and running again by 12:00?

    Similar to Rob Key’s chances of getting a gig today, I suspect.

  7. Miriam, you need to find a way of firstly getting a laptop into your meeting that no-one else can see, and secondly of supressing your excitement at the key moment, as it were.

    Or resign. That would also work.

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