Kent v Surrey match report

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JRod writes:

The day started well. I caught the bus to Victoria Station, sat up top and wasn’t stabbed. At Victoria station things started to go bad. I had to wait 15 minutes to find out which platform my train was on, only to find out it was to be delayed for about another 15 minutes.

Then when I got on the train, I didn’t sit in the right area and the train conductor treated me like some Rosa Parks type character. He suggested I take my earphones out and listen to the announcements. I asked if he could tell me where to sit, but he had already walked away.

I think I know why he was angry – his pants were very high. Jimmy Smits high.

I took one earphone out and heard that the train was due to split. This seemed rather violent to me dear reader. It said that en route to Favishemshiresex the train would split and those ahead would go to somewhere no one had heard of and those behind to somewhere better.

I made my way back down the train and found a new seat that would split in my specified direction. What I didn’t notice was the orange sticky substance I put my hand in. It didn’t smell bad, but it felt like it should.

The further out of London I got, the more it rained. You could sense the air getting damper outside the carriage and my gammy leg started playing up. I tried to un-gammy it, but the moistness of the air had set in.

Once I arrived in Canterbury East I bumped into a young girl, apologising immediately. She was fine, but her boyfriend and her dog seemed quite angry. You should have seen the teeth dear reader. The dog looked quite aggressive as well.

Finally I made my way to the ground. In the rain, it was a struggle with the gammy leg, but I soldiered on and eventually, two to three hours later, I arrived at the St Laurence ground, just as play was called off for the day.

It was really teeming down at that stage, my gammy leg was really playing up and I saw a seagull drown. Buoyed by the spirit of adventure, I made my way towards a local bed and breakfast where a large, bare-footed Eastern European man showed me to my room.

A great day was had by all.


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  1. I do hope the gammy leg is the result of an old cricket injury (but you don’t like to talk about it)

  2. Good work Jrod. Perfect British summer’s day. Sorry to hear about the leg. It gets worse the deeper you go into Autumn.

  3. Very good attempt at British “mustn’t grumble” behaviour, but in order to truly fit in you should apologise next time someone bumps into you, even if it’s their fault. That’s when you know you’re one of us.

  4. Ceci, sort of, twas an over aggressive partner.

    Dc, it already is.

    Mims, i would have, but i think the dig was about to get released.

  5. Have you learned nothing from my match reports? Always, ALWAYS plan a back up zoo to visit when you’re going to Canterbury.

  6. Was the fluffy tailed rodent responsible for your knee injury Nutz the Squirrel, the seven foot Notts mascot?
    I wouldn’t want to mess with him.
    In fact (here’s a secret) he’s not a real squirrel at all – it’s how Will Jefferson goes around the ground incognito.

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