Laurence Elderbrook protects the tail

The team decide that they need a more experienced batsman to bat with the tail. The current number seven doesn’t protect the batsmen below him properly, so this is where I, Laurence Elderbrook, come in.

It’s an overcast day and our batsmen struggle. Before long the fifth wicket falls. The time has come for Laurence Elderbrook to take his stage.

Before I walk out, I take a moment to compose myself in the mirror. Resplendent in my cream flannels, I look immaculate. It is time.

As I turn away to pick up my bat, I catch a brief glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. I point my elbow towards the mirror. It sports a horrific, green grass stain. This will not do.

I reach into my kit bag and calmly select a second shirt. I examine it thoroughly. It looks immaculate. I discard its soiled predecessor and don shirt number two.

As I pull it over my head I realise that the top button is fastened. Alas, too late. I have rushed into my attire with undue haste and the button has come off. I survey the garment with a considered eye. It is far from immaculate. This will not do.

Suddenly I hear a noise from outside. Are my crowd growing rumbustious at my prolonged absence? Apparently not. A team mate pops his head round the door and delivers the fateful news: I have been timed out.

It is at this point that I take the only option available to me. I let fly a huge, bestial roar and decimate the mirror with a blow from my forehead. In order to more thoroughly underline my profound dissatisfaction I strike the mirror thrice, at which point I am overcome by an unusual light-headedness.

I walk outside, catch the umpire’s eye and flick the Vs with the serene dignity afforded to only the very few.

Everyone admires my restraint. They admire me.

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14 Appeals

  1. What a man!

  2. I am keenly anticipating the day when the new go-ahead chairman of Laurence’s cricket club does a deal with a local sports outfitter, and new synthetic apparel is forced upon the playing members…

    And Edladd – are you Ged Ladd’s half brother?

  3. Perhaps Ged’s lost his g….a disastrous loss of gravity in parts of Middlesex maybe.

    Clearly, gravity continues to exert its force on Elderbrook as he descends down the batting order. Where will it end?

  4. Handled ball? I think we’re heading for each kind of dismissal!

  5. Clearly Hair or one of his elk were umpiring in the last game, discraceful!

  6. I didn’t know Darrell Hair had any elk – is that his new career, elk-farming?

  7. Ged? I don’t know, I think I have a third cousin twice removed called Ged. Last I heard he was in jail in Bulgaria – do you know him?
    I’m looking foward to reading about Mr. Elderbrook scoring a run, he might explode from self-satisfaction.

  8. No Ed Ladd’s in my family. Besides which, Ged Ladd is my pseudonym and pseudonyms don’t have relatives – neither on King Cricket nor in Bulgarian prisons.

    But I am more concerned about this gross miscarriage of justice. Surely the grassy stain on the sleeve is a reasonable defence to an appeal for timed out? The opposition should not have appealed. The umpire should not have raised his finger in those circumstances.

    What has happened to the spirit of cricket? Is Laurence Elderbrook the last man standing who understands the spirit and dignity of the game?

  9. My better half Daisy is insensed that there is an interloper calling himself Ed Ladd. She suspects Ed Smith or perhaps even Ed Joyce.

  10. I did find an article where Cheryl Ladd was tenuously linked to Canadian success against a visting Australian team but Andrew Ladd could well be related.

    “Andrew Ladd was born in Canterbury, Kent, UK, on 4th April 1960, son of a Policeman. His family moved around Kent frequently during his youth, and his favourite past-time at this age was cricket, although he had a vested interest in music, mainly that of modern classical music. He had little interest in pop music.

    For over twenty years he worked as a Chef. He started his “cheffing” life as an apprentice Chef at Buckingham Palace, London, in 1977, where he had some very exiting times. He stayed in catering for about 20 years During this time he composed much music, mostly in a very avante-garde style, based on some basic serial techniques. Ladd started to learn the piano at 11, but didn’t start composing until he was 14.

    By the time he was 32 he had written 6 Symphonies, 6 String Quartets, 6 Piano Sonatas and many more works. However, he did not believe he had yet achieved maturity as a Composer, so he destroyed all of them in 1992.”

  11. Sounds like he hadn’t really reached maturity as a person either.

  12. “where he had some very exiting times” – ooer – quite a few of the Palace employees have been outed, mind

  13. I think its about time Laurence opened the bowling, surely nobody can think his skills are limited to just one facet of the game?

  14. Apologies Ged Ladd (and Daisy of course) – no interloping intended. Edladd’s been my nickname for about 4 or 5 years now – just a bit of a coincidink is all.

    Besides, Edladd is my first name. Surname cannot be released for security reasons, but I can confirm that it is not Ladd.

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