Mahela Jayawardene v England

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As abysmal as England’s batsmen have been, the team would stand a pretty decent chance of beating Sri Lanka if they didn’t spend most of their time in the field attempting to dismiss just one of the two batsmen at the crease.

If they’re in Sri Lanka, England are probably bowling to Mahela Jayawardene. In 11 Tests against them, he’s made six hundreds (one a double) and five fifties. He averages 90, but more importantly, he gives off an unmistakeable air of knowing precisely what the hell he is doing.

It’s impossible to ask questions of someone who knows what they’re doing. Peering into your car engine alongside a mechanic, you can’t say: “What’s that wiggly thing?” or “Which bit makes it go?”

Asking questions exposes your own limitations. It’s better keep a low profile and hope no-one exposes you for the worthless human being you know yourself to be.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. And there I was, worrying you had lost all of your self loathing and discovered happiness.

    Welcome back.

    1. It was Vignesh. Vignesh’s naive optimism made everyone feel happy. And now he’s gone, and the darkness has returned. Sniff.

  2. But while the mechanic is working on the car, you can lie down (preferably on a hammock), and pretend to read Nietzsche or Descartes. Once in a while, you look up, set down the scotch, and give the mechanic a disparaging smile. The mechanic, having no clue that you don’t understand said philosophers, feels acute humiliation realizing your mighty intellect and in a rush of abject worthlessness, electrocutes himself while jump-starting your vehicle.

    This might work on Mahela. England just have to find their Nietzsche.

  3. England need to find their knickers? Ooohhh matron.

    He’s got a larvely little half dab, half late cut that he seems to sneak off middle stump as the ball is about to hit said stump and the bloody ball invariably runs for four. Brilliantly balanced while playing that impossible shot too.

  4. Delhi Dare Devils will miss Jayawardene for first few matches.IPL fever has begun in India among the fans and it was raina and jadeja who seems to shop @ Express Avenue Mall, Chennai

  5. Perhaps “seems to shop” in the same sense that certain England players have spent much of this winter “seeming to bat”.

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