Michael Clarke ain’t all that

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Michael Clarke thinks he's Rear Admiral Marvellous

A lot of people are backtracking on Michael Clarke’s captaincy. He was astonishingly unpopular when he got the job – largely on the grounds that he looks like he drinks Smirnoff Ice – but many Australians seem to have warmed to him, what with all the wins and all.

On top of that, we’ve noticed that Clarke has moved up to number three in the rankings for Test batsmen. It’s all going well for him, of late. But is he all that?

He ain’t all that.

Okay, so maybe he’s won a few Test matches as captain. But how well would he captain if his players were all made out of dough and egg white? Hmm? How well would he captain then? Bet he wouldn’t win many matches with that side, would he? Captain your way out of that one Captain Fantastic.

And yeah, he’s hit a few hundreds in recent times. But how many runs would he score if he was encased in a giant fat suit and had to use a spatula instead of a bat? Not many, we’d wager. Bat your way out of that one Commander Sensational.

In conclusion: what a giant bell end.


Mike Gatting wasn't receiving the King Cricket email when he dropped that ludicrously easy chance against India in 1993.


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  1. Steady on. We’ve only got two choices here. We either accept that he is doing a decent job with a pile of rubbish cricketers, or we say that Australian cricket has come out of its self-imposed and hugely entertaining slump and is back to being good again. This latter position is very dangerous. You know the trouble with Australians – once they believe that they are the world’s best, they have an irritating tendency to become the world’s best. Far better to heap praise upon Clarke as the world’s greatest silk purse maker, and let the players work out what that implies about his raw material.

  2. What happened to the moustachioed, chest-haired cricketers of the eighties? Now we have the Clarkes and the Broads. I am willing to bet these gentlemen have never grown hair down there.

    1. As I write this we are an hour away from the angry hobbit holding a press conference about his future.
      My guess is the little grub will ‘retire’ from other forms of the game to concentrate on tests. Then he’ll get shirty with a journo who asks when he’s going to retire from tests too.
      There was a pretty big hint from the chairman of selectors yesterday about it being difficult to maintain ‘momentum’ when you only play one form of the game. Between the lines he’s saying the moment the runs dry up in tests punter is gone. It will be interesting to see how that pressure affects his game and if he will go gracefully or get sacked prior to the ashes next year.

  3. i think KC had his mind on his holiday when he wrote this horseshit.
    No offence KC, but I know you can do better.

  4. On a positive note, i do like the term ‘bell end’. It sums things up rather nicely.

    The decision to use proper photos is also swell. They look nice.

  5. This is a momentous day in the history of cricket. All of my loathing of Ponting is ebbing away, leaving only the damp and slightly rippled beach of respect. The same wrinkles that once suggested a face and a psyche screwed up in bilious rage are now merely lines of weariness after a job extraordinarily well done.

    Meanwhile, following the Law of Conservation of Loathing, my lost loathing is ebbing towards Michael Clarke. And in accord with the Inverse Swear Law, it has reversed in polarity on the way. His face is too smooth by far. He doesn’t argue with umpires anything like often enough. And as far as I am aware, he has never (that’s never) tried to claim that The Spirit of Cricket allows him claim obviously grassed catches. All in all, a complete and utter arse.

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