The Gospel According to Haydos

During his appearances on Test Match Special, Matthew Hayden has rather surprisingly revealed a hitherto concealed ability to talk sense. More reassuringly, he’s also been showcasing his nonsense, which is what we’re more interested in.

No-one talks meaningless bollocks quite like Matthew Hayden. Consider the following examples – all from one commentary stint:

  • “It’s not a question of skills. It’s a question of execution.”
  • About post-2005: “We had to identify what was important to our core values.”
  • “The distinguishing features of my Baggy Green was the blood, sweat and tears.”

Please help us document  Hayden’s linguistic crimes in the comments below…

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41 Appeals

  1. On five live last week he said, talking about himself of course:

    ‘Before the world cup Ponting kept saying Hayden has to go to the world cup’.

    Then yesterday on TMS he was rather magmanimous when he ‘Didn’t have all the answers’ in regard to the structure of international cricket but then claimed that he could ‘Speak with inegrity’ on the issue of professionalism of cricket. Which was big of him.

  2. Print ’em on Tee shirts and sell em. You’ll make millions as long as Hayden is alive.

  3. I almost cried listening to him commentate. He was well informed and knowledgable. Surely this shouldn’t be allowed.
    I even started thinking to myself “I’d much rather listen to him than tubby Taylor any day”.

    What is happening?

  4. Hayden on Hayden: “one Matty Hayden is wearing a wry smile at the moment”

  5. “Hayden on Hayden” – is that a category of porn?

  6. He also doesn’t get CMJ’s humour – CMJ makes crap dad jokes and Hayden sounds lost, then mutters something about being a proud Australian.

  7. I’m sure I heard “Australia is a planet full of Australians” at some point.

    I’d have written more of these down, but they came every single minute he was on air.

  8. “That was a great little innings by Graham Broad.”

  9. How did you deal with an england crowd like edgbaston Matthew?

    Well I would figure out the emotion of the crowd and then extract that emotion.

    Hmmmm, OK

  10. I have to admit I wasn’t entirely paying attention (tackling a rather large rootball with a pitifully undersized trowel in the garden at the time) but I think I heard him gasp in wonder at the use of the word “languid”. He had never heard it before, and didn’t know what it meant. But he loiked it. Loiked it a lot.
    Oh, the eptymological education he must be having since leaving that planet full of Australians…

  11. SW – Yes. That was incredible.

    CMJ said “This game has got a rather languid air about it now.”

    Haydos then proceeded to ejaculate in his pants over the word languid.

    “Languid, that’s a beautiful word, it’s almost like a song, I could sing it two my two-year-old daughter. I’m not quite sure how I would sing a word…”

    Humouring him, CMJ muttered: “Are you musical?”

    Haydos’ inexplicable reply was: “My mother used to play the guitar.”

    The man is a legend.

  12. I heard the ‘planet full of Australians’. He did say that. But i spent so long trying to work out what he had said, I forgot – and then couldn’t believe it.

  13. How about this glorious piece of self-contradiction from Mr Hayden:

    “What is your definition of Australianism?”

    “Uncompromising, very hardworking, fantastic mateship, belief in one another, incredible pride for the country, and being very balanced.”

  14. first day of the test match on cricket on five
    Mark Nicholas: “What might Australia do to get better and beat England?”
    Hayden: “Well more than anything it just has to execute.”

    love it!

  15. Hayden revealed the “Mike Hussey likes to abuse himself internally, in the dressing room after a bad dismissal”.

    I think he means, that Hussey tells himself off!?!? ; )

  16. Hayden’s just gone on overdrive on TMS.

    I might not have got all the quotes, I was laughing too much.

    ‘The evolution of the cricketer. It’s a topsy turvey business’

    On his love Philip Hughes ‘Our relationship is starting to develop, which I’m very happy about as we didn’t really know each other before’

    ‘My message to him was very clear. Keep getting better’

    On his establishment as an opener for Australia.

    ‘ I just wanted to enjoy my cricket and play the game I knew Mathew Hayden could play’

  17. This on the BBC news this morning, about the impact of :

    “His skills are in the top five greatest players i’ve played against, which says it all really, unless he isnt able to exectute his skillset”

  18. I meant the impact of the return of fred

  19. “Ever since Kevin Pietersen has been running around on the plains of Africa, he would have been wearing out his Achilles tendon.”

    Apparently his muscles have been on the decline since before they fully developed.

  20. Do you recognise this kit Matthew?

    Is that blue or green?

    He also said he’s from a part of Australia where all the nuts come from and I think he said he tried to eat a cricket ball.

  21. From Conrad at work in Winchester, via text on 81111: “Have finally decided I like Matthew Hayden. I never used to when he played, for obvious reasons. But must say I like his astute commentary on TMS”

    Is this Conrad from wincheser being sarcastic???

  22. Hayden on oral sex:

    “If U-straya do go down, they won’t go down without asking”

  23. I liked Hayden’s discussion of his many, many bats. He put some of them away when they became cursed.

    But he’s not superstitious.

  24. He just called wands “wizardry sticks”. It will never stop.

  25. haydos has been one of the funniest things about this series.

    after england had won the series he went on one final rant about how australians are positive people who love their friends and family and are really outdoor types.

    it was completely inappropriate yet brilliant.

  26. Did anyone, by any chance, hear the classic Hayden comment on 5 live on Monday night: ‘this is a side in transition; of which its most important characteristic is continuity’.

  27. Just seen this on the BBC website. Discussing beards in the crowd on TMS:

    “That looks like Moses over there. Hey, Moses, where’s your ark?!”

    Quality.

  28. From the BBC website:

    Test Match Special commentator: “There’s some fantastic beards in the crowd.”

    Matthew Hayden: “That looks like Moses over there. Hey, Moses, where’s your ark?!”

    Hey Matthew, what do you mean?

  29. Just to know a bit about the psycology (or total lack of it) of the man, why does he talk about himself in third person? Any infatuation with Julius Caesar?
    On a second thought I’m open to bets on the issue. I offer 11 to 2 on anyone saying Matthew Hayden knows who Julius Caesar was.

  30. He probably thinks Julius Caesar is the owner of his local pizza restaurant.

  31. “psycology”?

    A total confidence in using a word which is obviously outside of one’s ken, is probably a symptom of a undiagnosed case of “Caesar complex” – a progressive disorder typified by blind-arrogant assumptions about other people’s inability to correctly match related paradigms.

    In other words, before sneering at others’ stupidity, check your own.

    It’s “psychology”, luv.

    Freudian slip?

  32. Anonymous – If you have to make disparaging remarks about someone’s language you would be wise to perfect yours first. Like many a batsman you have tried too hard to be clever and misfired.

    You have misunderstood this blog. We are not rude to each other. It seems to me that this blog is a safety valve or form of therapy; kindly teasing and laughing ‘with’ not ‘at’ is the aim.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I understand this now and withdraw a remark about drivel I made a few years ago and have been regretting since.

  33. Gideon Haigh has been getting in on the Hayden bashing in the Wisden Cricketer this month

    Tuesday August 11
    In other recall news Matthew Hayden joins the board of Cricket Australia, bringing the experience of 103 Tests and numberless unintelligible press conferences. “The game is definitely at the coalface of anticipated change,” he says, coalfaces being well known for their state of constant flux. “What I can bring to the table is a real currency and a slightly more contemporary style of looking at the way cricket and the business of cricket is managed and maintained.” Real currency? Is he talking about his IPL moolah? How big a table will be required?
    What Haydos certainly brings is a certain swagger, now corporate rather than cricket: “Strategically it’s really important to recognise that iconic series such as the Ashes can never be removed, and in fact need to be protected and maintained, throughout the cricketing landscape. At a time when the market is looking to find new ways to engage our sport I think it’s also really important to go on a journey and go on a debate and recognise that we have got something very special in the creation of franchise cricket and the globalisation of those brands.” Giles Clarke should look to his laurels: Haydos sounds as if he could corporate-talk anyone under the table.

  34. Now I don’t know where to post this, but I’ve just been listening to the seventeenth one-day international between eng and aus, on TMS, with Michael Vaughan doing commentary.
    MVP just said, of Peter Siddle-
    “Ilove his aggression. I love his lips.”
    Didn’t mention the teeth, mind.

  35. Sorry, MVP obviously.

  36. Who’s MVP?

  37. I kept getting it wrong. I meant Michael Vaughan (MPV). But I’ve already ruined what little humour was in the original post and so I shall get my coat and leave.

  38. I am so lost. MVP… MPV – lesser folks would discard you.

  39. I will gladly discard myself.

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