Another reason why Australia lost the Ashes

You can't get pie and a pint in Sydney

Beer sales are down. Moisturiser sales are through the roof.

The metrosexualisation of Australian society has damaged the cricket team immeasurably.

No-one eats steak any more; they all eat scallops in an Indonesian-style jus. When Simon Katich isn’t in Sydney, male body hair in the city is down by a quarter.

In a recent survey, Australia was voted the ponciest country in the entire wo-

[Hubris overload. Hubris overload. Abort post. Abort post.]

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39 Appeals

  1. King Cricket

    January 7, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    One of the great things about publishing all your thoughts and emotions online is that people find it a lot easier to make you eat your words at a later date.

    Definitely something we’re looking forward to with posts like this one.

  2. Thanks for the English lesson. I did’nt know what Hubris was so I googled it.
    Narcism overload?

  3. Mmmmm. Words.

  4. Good observation.

    I noticed the same thing watching Master Chef Australia. Everyone keeps crying about how beautiful food is. And going on about how wonderful nice and great their competition is.

    Gone soft.

  5. King Cricket

    January 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    It truly is and we’re only down to number five:

    “Doug Bollinger, Ben Hilfenhaus and Johnson can smell blood”

  6. If they’re Australian, KC, they’ll make you eat them with a pear reduction on a bed of rocket.

    And I think you should get one thing straight. Hubris was designed for times like this. If you can’t be hubrisish when your team has just won an away Ashes series 3-1, when can you be hubrisish? So desist with that hubris switch, ignore complaints from Australians and neutrals, and get on with hubristing.

    Next Post – Why Australia’s Men Are Terrible in Bed

  7. King Cricket

    January 7, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Australia have eight Test-standard speedsters in the queue.

    It’s the gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving.

    Two points to go, but this might just be the most wrong article anyone has ever written.

  8. Yes, #7 is the best. Eight test-standard speedsters in the queue. None in the team, though.

  9. Number 7 made me LAUGH OUT LOUD.

  10. Yikes!

    I’ve just read The Dawg’s link and I realise that England don’t stand a cat in hell’s.

    These last seven weeks must have been a dream. Or some sort of trick played upon me by an evil demon.

  11. Even the chap that wrote that article couldn’t bring himself to write anything positive about their spin options, despite hoping Monty would be forced to play.

    Will Swanton, I salute you – he stuck to his guns – this was posted on 22nd December. Its not nearly as funny, but welcome nonetheless.

  12. Oh, and well done to Daniel W of Oxford, England in the comments section.

    I’m going to read everything this man has written.

    I like the first line of his little bio.

    ‘Senior News Limited cricket writer’

  13. If he wrote the bio himself it shows surprising self awareness from the great man.

  14. He is my new favourite Australian. I liked especially that at stumps on Day 3 of the last test (Aus 280 ao; Eng 488 for 7), all he could think to write about was them going off too early for bad light.

  15. Also, he has covered “countless” series since 1999, which doesn’t say much for the standard of maths in Australian schools.

  16. The best bit of that article has him pointing out Anderson’s average from 06/07, but getting it wrong. He mocks Jimmy for averaging 40+ when he actually averaged 80+. He actually nearly had a point at one stage and ballsed it up by making up the figures.

    No, wait – #9. Apparantly Aus A “ran through the top order” when Cook made 60, Collingwood 80 and Bell 190. That is the best.

  17. Swanton “wrote” 14 articles there between the Perth and Melbourne Tests, and four since Boxing Day. He’s one to stick around for the tough times.

  18. King Cricket

    January 7, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    If we ever have to work with you, Will Swanton, please note that we didn’t say any of this.

    Except for the bit about “the most wrong article anyone has ever written” – which, to be fair, is true.

  19. “Hard surfaces jarring bones and muscles, oppressive heat – they won’t know what or who has hit them!”

    I like this guy! :)

  20. re the hard surfaces, how is Ryan Harris getting on?

  21. King Cricket

    January 7, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    They won’t know whether someone has hit them, more like.

    No-one has.

  22. I like how Bert has used this Ashes defeat to criticize everything Australian, from performance in bed to primary education.

  23. Enjoy the win and don’t worry about the hubris, it’ll wears off after about the fifth series win on the trot.

    Swanton deserves to be ridiculed. What a tosser but then he does work for News.

    It’s true that Australia has more names for lettuce than Ali Cook’s series average too. Their try hard sophistication is a source of much humour in Tasmania too.

  24. Sorry, Deep Cower. I will feel embarrassed about my boorishness and xenophobia soon, I promise.

    In the meantime, though, what about Australia’s lack of impact in international haute couture, eh? Rubbish, they are.

  25. Is this the Through The Night Thread?

  26. Hubris’ is over-weening pride or self-confidence as when a man or state shows itself to be God. We will be looking at some well-known examples from the Old Testament which foreshadow a soon-coming event. And I think it is appropriate that we acquaint ourselves with the historic figures of these prophecies we so often study with the future in mind.

    i have to adnit i skimmed thro’ the Old Test in about 3 mins 40 secs but i never found hubris.

  27. and home brew tequila affects spelling!

  28. Reading this at 1.30am 24 hours after the fifth test finished and lauging through my nose

    24 years.

    24 years, Australia.

    This is our time.

    It will live long in the memory.

    Barmy Army.

    Barmy Army.

  29. I had the pleasure of being in the company of an Australian this evening.

    He was gracious in defeat, although he did say at one point he’d prefer to talk about the weakness’ in their bowling attack when I ‘didn’t have yourcock in your hand’.

    I thought the toilet was an appropriate place to discuss this.

  30. On the IPL note, do you think the aussies will go back to Symmonds ?

  31. Dandy Dan – I got a bit confused about who had whose cock in whose hand the first time I read that.

  32. Yeah, I think the timing of my posting indicates I may not have had the clearest mind when I typed that.

  33. I’m glad I wasn’t the only person to be discombobulated by Dandy Dan’s cock in hand anecdote.

  34. I think a Venn would clarify.

  35. Marvellous Venn to clear up all confusion Ged.

    More from Swanton and quite simply who wasn’t struck with the “imagination” and “enthusiasm” of Pup’s captaincy in the last Test?

    To be fair he did bring on Hussey… but surely that was out of desperation rather than imagination?

  36. From the comments section.

    Jaxx of Northern Beaches
    Posted at 9:20 AM January 03, 2011
    The whole nation is NOT behind Clarke. It is a disgrace that he is playing for Australia when he should have been dropped – Captain incompetnet!!!!!

  37. Jeeeeezus… is that a SCARF that Clarke is wearing under his suit jacket?

    Sorry, pantsuit jacket I suppose.

    I am starting to wonder if Mike Hussey has to get changed in the stalls. Australians sure have changed.

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