One of our worst nightmares

Our worst nightmare was probably the one where we had toothache and when the tooth came out, it turned out to be a kind of keystone for our entire skull. With a groaning, creaking sound akin to falling timber, our entire head split in two – ONLY WE DIDN’T WAKE UP.

Instead, we wandered around like that, noggin cleft in twain. We would occasionally reach up and run our finger across the shards of fractured skull, nervous that we might inadvertently gouge part of our own brain.

Today’s play has been worse than that.

It’s been worse than that because it’s been real. Ever-changing faces bowling the same fast-medium to partnerships that just go on and on and on. We’ve been here before – a long, long time ago – and we hoped never to return. Can you have endless permutations of the same thing? That’s what it’s been. This is why you should always play a spinner.

You could argue that England are playing a spinner, but unless the captain agrees with you, it’s a moot point. Alastair Cook was the very last person at Headingley to feel like maybe it was worth giving Moeen Ali a bowl. Apparently, he had a better plan, which was to just keep on persevering with the same old thing in the hope that finally, one day, something might change.

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17 Appeals

  1. You used to warn us about posting pictures of taxidermy. That dream description made me feel physically sick.

  2. It did work in the end, it just took a bit longer than we had hoped / imagined it might / thought was even conceivable in an infinite multiverse.

    So 350 to win, a nice round number. Cook will be encouraging the players now, probably with a rousing speech. Henry V or something. Maybe he is singing them a song in his angelic voice. [ ** Deleted joke about choirboys and backs-to-the-wall situations ** ]. I think we’ll win this by five wickets by tea tomorrow.

  3. Now I.Ron can score a winning century in his 100th test. The stage is set.

    The weirdest dream I can remember was one where I was a Russian officer and got shot in the back of the head by firing squad. I then fell into my own head.

    Well, that and the one where I was fighting giant flies with a sword.

  4. I think we can take lots of positives from this…

    …as a unit.

  5. Alistair. The middle urinal is free. Time to get the old chap out and use it bash out a double hundred.

  6. Welcome back, 90s cricket. Ah, how I’ve missed you.

  7. So, no wins in 8 matches (and 6 defeats).

    According to Zaltzmann, that’s England’s worst run since 1996-7 (and even then, most of those were draws).

    This is the worst England team of my adult life.

  8. Fuck them all, spineless fuckers.

  9. Oh how I envy you daneel.

    • The first test match I remember is India at Lords 1990. Started well, then fifteen years of shite, which we’ve well and truly regressed to.

      1993 was worse than this, but not by much.

    • 1999 the nadir for me.

    • Oh, 1999 was the low in terms of ranking, and that team was truly dire, but from the 5th Test against Pakistan in 1992 they lost nine tests out of ten, including that horror tour of India where Hick was the best batsman, bowler and fielder (the Blakey tour) and went 4-0 down in the Ashes.

      Then they won the dead rubber before going down 3-0 to the West Indies.

  10. The rubbish teams of my youth could be laughed at or with. No one seems that likeable in this team. Maybe iron bell.

  11. yes, and what was that famous definition of (colonial) madness, again – …?

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