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A Rob Key themed cryptic crossword

Almost certainly the finest Rob Key themed cryptic crossword you will encounter today.

Compiled by Bert.

As ever, there are no fantastic prizes.

You can also download a PDF version here.

Click here for the answers.

Rob Key Crossword

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This is how you share a Rob Key picture with the world, you bloody idiots

Photo by Sarah Ansell

Photo by Sarah Ansell

Rob Key has retired. It is a sad day. We’re going to don a black cardigan instead of a beige one by way of mourning. We will wear it for 221 minutes in tribute to the number of runs Rob once made in a single Test innings.

Adam Gilchrist’s highest Test score was 204.

You lose again, Adam Gilchrist.

But the truth is, today we all lose. Adam Gilchrist loses the most, but we all lose a little bit. The sky is greyer; the sun is colder; our wrinkles are deeper; and luxury goods are slightly more expensive. Everything is worse. Even this cup of tea is worse. It has slightly too much milk in it. That never would have happened yesterday.

Yesterday Rob Key was still plying his trade as the greatest cricketer in the history of the planet. Today he is playing golf. That isn’t even a joke. We saw it on Twitter. This might just be the most depressing paragraph ever written.

Speaking of Twitter, every now and again we happen across SimonC’s marvellous Rob Key creation which first appeared on this website back in 2009. People often republish it. Quite often they send it to Rob Key himself. If we were on Facebook, we daresay we’d see it there too.

As magnficient as the work is, it makes us sad that no-one ever gives it a proper build-up any more.

For the full effect, this is how it works…

You read this.

Then this.

Then this.

Then this.

Now you’ve earned it.

That’s how you publish a funny picture.

Even worse, the people thoughtlessly bandying the image about on social media don’t even know that Rob’s astride a capybara because he’s part of the Hindu pantheon and the capybara is his vehicle.

WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT DOESN’T KNOW THAT?

We’re putting this post in the ‘England’ category because Rob did play for England and would have done so again if he could have been bothered. Which he couldn’t.

You may well be tempted to wade into the Rob Key archives of this website in a forlorn bid to soften the pain of this dank event. If you do, this is the hub. Don’t neglect the posts on the old site. We used to write songs about him back then. If you can hold back the tears, we could all have a singalong (separately, without making any actual contact with one another).

Rob Key.

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England v Australia at Lord’s, day three – match report

Ged writes:

I prepared a splendid picnic, though I say so myself, for me and Daisy to enjoy on the Saturday of the Lord’s Ashes Test. Breakfast muffins stuffed with juicy coriander prawns was the centrepiece of the midday feast. The main event, though, was focaccia-wiches, containing Big Al deLarge’s latest discovery of amazing Parma ham. Following a successful use of the latter fare the previous week, when Dave The DJ came round to my place for a guitar/ukulele jam, Daisy was envious as crazy and expected nothing less.

These days, Daisy and I choose to hide from the sun in the “unfashionable but good for priority bookers” front reaches of the Lower Edrich. This time we were surrounded by delightful Middlesex CCC people, many of whom we knew at least by name from the internet radio and website chats in years gone by. It was like an impromptu gathering of the e-clan.

Mid-afternoon, I ventured alone round to the posh side for a pee. As I have reported many times before, you get a better class of floor piss round there. But as I approached the Tavern Stand loo, I saw that Mr Johnny Friendly, who had sent me and Daisy the MCC Rules of Real Tennis only a few weeks previously, was standing in the doorway, engrossed in reading his electronic tablet. It seemed to me, momentarily, that I was always running into Mr Friendly in or near those toilets and that he might mistake my repeated presence as sinister, or perhaps a quest for additional gifts. As he was deeply engrossed and I was sure he hadn’t seen me, I decided to save embarrassment by walking a little further round to the Allen Stand loo instead.

When I got back to our stand and reported my sighting to Daisy, she was most put out. “But supposing Mr Friendly did see you? He would surely see your lack of acknowledgement as a snub – and after he has shown us such kindness in the matter of Real Tennis. Surely the correct etiquette now would be for you to write and apologise profusely to Mr Friendly for your rudeness.”

I said that I thought the correct etiquette in the circumstances would be to forget the whole thing. But, you see, I come from the wrong kind of family and only went a few modest steps up the lower rungs of the social ladder by winning a scholarship to almost the right kind of school. Do not scorn or reproach me, dear reader – pity me.

Daisy was both unsure and upset. “Oh drains to oiky pater and that common, lawn tennis court he built for us. Why couldn’t we have had the real thing, then none of this Mr Friendly dilemma would have happened?”

There was no point consulting the good folk of Middlesex CCC around us. Good, honest, stout yeo-folk to be sure, but not the sort of people equipped to advise us on etiquette paradoxes. Where are the MCC posh boys when you need them?

“I know how we can resolve this dispute,” I said. “Let’s consult Jane Austen…”

… by which I meant the Complete Works of Jane Austen, which we always have to hand on our e-book readers. Unfortunately, Daisy misunderstood me and got straight on the mobile to Jane Austin, sister of the mighty Ian Austin, the greatest all-round cricketer that Baxenden CC, nay, perhaps even the whole of the Ribblesdale League, has ever produced. Daisy asked Jane Austin her etiquette question, listened politely to the answer, said: “Thank you very much indeed,” then put the phone down.

“What did she say?” I asked.

“Art tawkin’ ter me or chewin’ a brick?” said Daisy.

“I think that means she agrees with me,” I concluded.

Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk. If it’s a professional match, on no account mention the cricket itself. If it’s an amateur match, feel free to go into excruciating detail.

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Points mean prizes

Photo by Sarah Ansell

Photo by Sarah Ansell

Or, more accurately, points “may” mean a presentation ceremony (at which something would presumably be presented).

This is the barely-reported story that England are looking to implement a points system for the two tours this summer, meaning an all-formats winner could be crowned for each.

The Times ran something behind its paywall a few days ago and The Guardian’s mentioned it via a short Press Association piece, but all in all, no-one really seems to a toss.

Well we do. We quite genuinely believe that this development has the potential to save cricket.

Save it from what, you ask? Save it from itself. The general trend within the sport over the last however-many-years is for self-cannibalisation. Rather than supporting each other, the various different formats have instead been eating each other. You don’t have to have followed cricket too closely to have spotted a tour where one team prioritised one format while the other favoured a different one. Priorities have diverged so much that the sport can at times look farcical.

T20s, ODIs and Tests – it’s all cricket, so why not treat them as one? To us, the whole essence of cricket is variety. As well as different opposition, cricketers face different pitches, different weather and different durations of match. They are all aspects of the same whole, so it makes sense to us for them to be treated as one.

Have you ever had to explain to someone how England can play Australia and it’s not the Ashes? Have you ever talked someone through your team winning a series in one format before losing in another to the same opposition a week or so later? Cricket is confusing. A points system, though seemingly trivial, brings a degree of coherence. Suddenly everything contributes towards identifying the best cricket team – which is surely what the sport’s all about.

Having all-format winners of tours would bring the game and the cricket world together. If it can gain traction (this is, admittedly, a big ask) then it would positively force countries to take all of the formats seriously. Where previously a nation might have written off the Tests or the one-dayers because they weren’t really that bothered about them, perhaps they would now take them a little more seriously, knowing that they would contribute to the overall win.

How could that be a bad thing?

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Is Gary Ballance back?

Photo by Sarah Ansell

Photo by Sarah Ansell

It’s a reference to a headline pun that’s overused on this website but which isn’t itself a pun. Jokes don’t come much weaker than that. Except for all our other ones.

Is Gary Ballance back? Sport is brutally cold and England won’t go into the first Test of the summer with an empty batting slot where James Taylor would have been. They’ll pick someone in his place. Possibly Gary Ballance.

For a time, two of our most common thoughts while watching a Test match were, “At least Ballance is still in,” when England were batting and, “Get Ballance on!” when they were bowling. We like Gary Ballance. We like his doughy tenacity. We like the chaos of his part-time right-arm semi-filth.

Last year’s imballance was a strange one with our man seemingly decked by the coaching team’s faith in him. Returning from injury, he was thrust into England’s World Cup team at number three and short of practice, he floundered. England’s World Cup campaign was a catastrophe and he carried his newfound runlessness through to the summer, at which point he was dropped.

Experts love a technical weakness and declared this to be the cause of his ills. Gary is of a different mind. He reckons that far from being the problem, his technique is what got him to where he is.

The line between delusional stubborness and justifiably single-minded conviction is a narrow one and it is defined by how many runs you score. ‘Gary Ballance’s back’ hinges on what happens next.

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Let’s keep tabs on Jake Ball

There was a phenomenon in Premier Manager 2 where all of your team’s young players would improve by about 20 per cent over the summer break. If you stacked your side with teenagers and managed to avoid the sack, you were all but guaranteed promotion the following season.

Has something similar happened with Nottinghamshire’s Jake Ball? Has he gone from being Very Good ***** to Outstanding? Those five asterisks denote the highest level of Very Good, by the way. Don’t count them wondering whether we’re being filthy.

Ball’s said to have added the clichéd yard of pace over the winter (when will cricket go metric?) and has duly taken a five-for in the first match of the season. April is just about the worst time to judge a seamer though. It’s a little like judging an Olympic rifle competitor by how many barrel-fish they can shoot. Still, it’s all we’ve got to go off at the minute, so we might as well count the carcasses.

Five. Plus one in the first innings.

Fortunately, the modern world being what it is, we’ve more to go off than in days gone by. Nowadays we can get wrong-end footage of events in the County Championship.

Here’s some wrong end footage of Jake Ball’s five-for.

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Test Cricket by Jarrod Kimber – book review

Full disclosure: We went to Jarrod’s wedding and were also sent a free book to review. However, we did also have to pay £3 in bail money to release said free book from a Royal Mail prison after it had been charged with insufficient postage, so we pretty much balance out as impartial.

There is a need for this book, you will learn from it and you will enjoy it. We can pretty much guarantee all of those things, so in many respects the review ends here. That is all you need to know. Buy it now before you forget and then read it whenever. If you for some reason need a bit more convincing, read on.

Warts and all, but with more focus on the warts

You will not struggle to find books about the history of cricket. Where this one stands out is that most of those books sand away rough edges whereas Jarrod’s inclination is to seek them out and preserve them. It makes for a truer account of the sport and one which is way more readable. At times, it has an unsettlingly authoritative air about it. To offset this, we pretended that Jarrod had stuck a line break in after every frigging sentence like he always used to, and then we felt okay again.

What’s it about? It’s about the history of Test cricket; all the most significant characters and events that have brought it from where it started to where it is now. It’s the kind of subject matter that in other hands might lead you to glaze over, but this book is light on stats and heavy on hyperbole, which keeps you interested and sneaks the facts into your brain as a result.

Asking Don Bradman to understand why people rated Victor Trumper above him is “like asking a calculator to understand a painting.” In the early days of cricket, a sticky dog was “a wet pitch that got a bit dry and behaved like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.”

Those two lines are on consecutive pages. the book maintains roughly that tone from WG Grace to the three Ws to Imran Khan to Brendon McCullum.

In summary

Test Cricket: The Unauthorised Biography is a serious book. It’s an earnest story told colourfully, rather than a funny book that makes serious points. It’s not that Jarrod’s lost his sense of humour so much as that he’s looking to inform more than he was before; a shift in emphasis rather than an outright change in approach. Whether that’s an improvement or not is probably a matter of opinion, but if the alternative is knocking out the same sort of writing as he did way back when, it would be subject to the law of diminishing returns. This feels new and fresh and is as page-turny as anything else he’s written.

History books can be staid and tiresome and hard to engage with. This is anything but. If we had to pick someone to do the research and tell the story of Test cricket, we’d pick Jarrod. Fortunately, we don’t have to because he’s already done it.

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James Taylor has a literal heart problem

If James Taylor’s public pronouncements betray an admirable desire to retain a sense of humour about things, his retirement from cricket at the age of just 26 due to arrhythmogenic right ventricular arrhythmia is anything but funny.

It’s easy to point to his having had a job as a professional cricketer as a means of highlighting how others may have it tougher, but at heart we’re all selfish bastards. We only truly know the life we lead and Taylor’s life has just turned down a very unexpected dead end.

You make plans, you work towards things and that’s what keeps you sane. It’s not the goals themselves that matter, but finding purpose in striving for them. With his destination obliterated, a man could quite easily find himself derailed. Throw in a serious heart condition and pessimism could become a default emotion.

A high-achieving cricketer’s sense of self is greatly bound up with the game. You are a cricketer. You are a batsman. You score runs. It’s not just what you do, it’s who you are. James Taylor is no longer that and when your occupation has been so all-consuming, how much room was there for anything else? It may be just a game, but a game can be everything and people feel the impact when everything is snatched from them in an instant.

Taylor will eventually be able to redirect his energy and pursue different things, coaxing his mind back to normal in the process – we’re sure of that. As for the heart condition, he is set to undergo an operation. His retirement from the game makes it clear that this will not be a cure in the fullest sense, but it will, presumably, improve his physical health.

James Taylor retires from cricket with the fourth-highest one-day batting average of all time. Decent player and, by all accounts, a decent bloke. The latter is something he can continue to be, no matter what he does next.

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Cricinfo still lumps first and second division matches in together in their live scores box

Drives us mental.

Why do people most often visit Cricinfo? To check the scores. Yet if we look at the current live matches, there is no way of telling which match is in which division, unless you happen to have memorised the teams in each league.

At the time of writing, the list of England domestic matches reads:

  • Durham v Somerset
  • Gloucestershire v Essex
  • Hampshire v Warwickshire
  • Northamptonshire v Sussex
  • Nottinghamshire v Surrey

So that’s first division, then second division, then first division, then second division, then first division. Yet there is no obvious distinction between them unless you click through to the scorecard.

Smooth, Cricinfo. Smooth.

This is one small element which has contributed to this website’s official position of ignoring the second division.

One of the joys of county cricket is that the season is so long and sprawling and varied. There are countless stories to be told, concerning different players and their triumphs and despairs in the various formats. However, the canvas is so damn massive, the job of the media is surely to provide focus and help us make sense of things.

Cricket coverage is built on scorecards. You can easily follow the entire season without watching a ball being bowled; listening to a minute of commentary; or reading a single match report or interview. A very simple step towards providing greater clarity for county cricket followers would be for the world’s top scorecard repository to make it clear which division each frigging match belongs to.

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Monty Panesar’s back!

As in ‘returned’. He hasn’t got anklosing spondylitis or anything.

Like many people, we have a soft spot for Monty Panesar.

Firstly, he lent his name to our assistant.

Monty

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, he was for a time exceptionally good at bowling spin for England.

Now he’s back. Back at Northamptonshire at any rate. He also hopes that he’s pretty much back to himself after being blighted by paranoia and other mental health problems in recent years. There was that bladder control thing as well.

His low-key county return is therefore what we like to call ‘a good thing’.

Barney Ronay has written a nice piece for The Guardian about Panesar. We agree with much of what he says – not least because he agrees with much of what we’ve said.

He takes issue with the ‘Monty Panesar hasn’t played X Tests, he’s played one Test X times‘ line for similar reasons to us – namely, that if that one Test is a perfectly good one, it’s really not that big a problem. Also, since when has one-dimensionality been such a flaw for a bowler?

They say the animals are always the first to know, so we’ll ask Monty’s namesake how this latest comeback is going to pan out. We’ll get back to you once we have the details.

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